Grow up or Grow down

Introduction

I have had the privilege recently of seeing a number of “senior” people. Specifically, these folks are all above 70 and the oldest one is 86. All of them have come to me for help with their relationships. Most of these couples have been married for decades and most of them married only once. Why, would people who are in the latter years of their lives and having had reasonably good lives and good relationships seek my assistance? They don’t know it, but they need to grow up. Growing up starts with self-understanding

Self-understanding

I have written extensively on the whole business of “growing up.” If you are familiar with my previous blogs or the books that Deb and I have written, you will be aware of how our orientation to psychology, and particularly to psychotherapy, is based on what we call a “friendly diagnosis.” This means that we don’t focus on people’s so-called problems, issues, or diagnoses but rather seek to understand people, help them understand themselves and improve their lives through this self-understanding, which by the way, always leads to understanding of other people. In other words, we believe that if I understand myself, I will find ways to enjoy life, and perhaps enhance life, which will ultimately lead me understanding other people. This understanding, however, is based on seeing myself and other people from a lens of what I am and what other people are, not what is wrong with us. We do not suggest that we are perfect in life, nor that other people are perfect. We know that we have personal limitations and flaws, but our focus is not on the flaws, much less some kind of diagnosis.

So, if we don’t look for what is wrong with us or with other people, and if we don’t rely on some kind of pathology-based diagnosis, how do we look at people and the problems that we have, where some of these problems are huge and cause great harm? How do we deal with the suicides and the undue verbal violence that some people perpetuate, much less the physical violence that people perpetrate upon themselves and on others? We look for personal growth.

Personal growth

We owe so much to Sigmund Freud, perhaps more than to any other person in the business of psychology, but like many people who are leaders and founders, he was wrong about many things and simply had an orientation that was more psychiatric than psychological. I tell people that a psychiatric evaluation if what is wrong with you, like depression or bipolar disorder, while a psychological evaluation is what is right about you, or simply put, who you are, not what is wrong with you. Followers of Freud challenged his orientation and established different ways of understanding people although many of his followers and students retained an orientation that was primarily about psychopathology. We have found great value in the works of Carl Jung, Alfred Adler, Erik Erickson, Abraham Maslow, Wilhelm Reich, and many others in our years of study and practice of psychology. We have also profited from many female leaders in the field of psychology including Karen Horney, Anna Freud, June Loevinger and others. Many of these brilliant people focus on what we might call maturing or personal growth. Maslow, together with Larry Kohlberg, Jean Piaget, and James Fowler focused even more so on this whole business of what we call growing up, while each of them has some penchant of what growing up, or maturing looked like. For instance, Jung talked about understanding one’s “shadow”, while Maslow, Piaget, and Fowler talked about stages of growth over a lifespan.

In our studies, in our practice, and in our personal lives we have found great value in looking at what is wrong in life by looking at what is right first and then seeing how something is amiss between oneself and some part of the world. I sometimes say to patients, “There is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with the world, but there is something wrong between the world and you, maybe seriously wrong.” The only way to find ways to improve my relationship with some aspect of life that mighty be challenging is to understand myself first understand others second. Many people seem unable to do this kind of self-examination and fall into some kind of undue self-criticism, self-inflation, or criticism of others. Instead of falling into these traps, we suggest that people continue to mature: simply put, grow up…and continue to grow up because if you don’t grow up, you will most certainly grow down.

Growing up

Let me go back to the several senior couples that I have been seeing. Note that I don’t identify any of them with some psychiatric diagnosis even though I could easily do so. I don’t diagnose them with some mental health disorder because there is no real value in such a diagnosis. Instead, I look at their personalities, their histories, their family and cultural background, and their current functioning. (Note that I have changed situations a bit and used artificial names for these folks to protect their privacy.) Note that in many of these cases the man has suffered some kind of physical or medical abnormality that has limited life so some degree.

• Couple one: the man has some significant physical limitations, largely in the realm of orthopedics, or movement. This puts stress both on him and on his wife even though they have had a long, successful, and happy life for decades. They have fallen into a good bit of undue harshness with each other.
• Couple two: again, the man has a medical condition, namely having been diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer. This has limited his functioning, but there are other matters that I am attempting to address with his wife and him.
• Couple three: here I see the man more often than the wife and the man together. Indeed, he has had a couple of strokes from which he seemingly has entirely recovered, but this medical condition has surfaced many other difficulties that this couple has had in their 40-odd years together
• Couple four: again, married for many decades, but in this case without the medical/physical difficulties that so often affect seniors. Rather, the wife is offended by her husband’s behavior that seems flirtatious with other women. Again, this current situation has surfaced decades of other difficulties that they have had together

Growing up or growing down doesn’t isn’t limited to seniors:

• Man, 35, has not worked for 5 years and hasn’t worked successfully ever in his life. He wants to be “great” and do “great things” but he can’t seem to find a way to do small things first. Hasn’t grown up.
• Man, 20, who has not worked ever, but I his case, has not gone to school or otherwise improved his lot in life. He is being taken care of by his father who can’t seem to find a way to help him “launch” into real life. Hasn’t grown up.
• Man, 40, who has just lost a seemingly good relationship for reasons that are not clear to him, much less the causes of his divorce some years ago. Hasn’t grown up.
• Man, 65, who has been unsuccessfully married twice and has not found a way to find genuine friends, much less an intimate partner. Hasn’t grown up.
• Man, 40, who has been successfully married but has fallen into undue pornography-like behavior, much to the dismay of his wife and older son. Good job, but trusts “no one” for reasons that are only now becoming clear. Hasn’t grown up.
• Woman (related to me) who made an allegation of sexual offense by one of her relatives, later retracted. Insisted that her very athletically active husband give up all sports and attend to her instead. Hasn’t grown up.
• Many children and adolescents who can’t seem to find a way to enter the real world of work, play, school, and relationships. They haven’t grown up.

And many others, old or young. In a way, everyone I have every seen in my practice. My belief is that however young or old, however physically fit or infirmed in some way, people need to grow up and face their lives. Many do not. In fact, it seems most people at some time or another in their lives stop growing, stop maturing, and start “growing down.”

Growing down

Simply put, you either grow up or you grow down. You either learn about yourself, and hence about other people, or you fail to learn these things. Since they haven’t grown up, they are “growing down,” i.e. deteriorating in some way. Among the people I have noted (all males of some age), I see:

• A man wanting to be President of the United States but feels stuck in how to get there. He may well lose his girlfriend of 8 years. He is growing down.
• A man who fiddled away his finances and got himself into so much debt that there seems no way out of this debt. He hasn’t done his taxes in three years. He has an increasingly diverse array of medical issues. He is growing down.
• A man who can’t seem to find a way to resolve the traumas of his early life that led to his being unduly independent but not relationally mature. He is growing down.
• A man, 75, who works 12-15 hours six days a week because he really doesn’t know how to feel, express his feelings, and understand other people’s feelings. He is growing down.
• A man who is brilliant, namely someone who had a very responsible and respected position at a university before he retired, but has not come to grips of how to live a successful retired life. His irritability is increasing. He is growing down.
• A man who “will deal with that when it happens” under the threat of his father insisting that he leave the house and get a job or go to college. He has no genuine, practical interest in the future. His father may soon kick him out of the house. n He is growing down.
• A man who been “sober” with A.A. for many years but has become increasingly dissatisfied with his AA “friends”, much less his “friends” on various internet chatrooms. The more time he spends on so-called friends, the more he deteriorates psychologically. He is growing down.
• A man who has been unhappy in his marriage forever but can’t seem to find a way out of the marriage or a realistic way into the marriage. He feels increasingly worse about himself, his wife, and life. He is growing down.
• Another brilliant guy who has not really found his place in the world of work despite his advanced degree but has found alcohol to be his best friend, perhaps his only friend. He has lost many friends, many jobs, and many lovers. He is growing down.

So, what is this “growing down” business? It is a way a person has found to stop growing, learning, and otherwise maturing in life. We might ask of these men?

• Why don’t you just get a job at the local Kwik Trip?
• Why don’t you just get your taxes done, or perhaps get a job that will make you a few dollars?
• Why don’t you find, face, and finish the traumas of your life that have led you to being so independent?
• Why don’t you just retire and enjoy the fruits of your labor?
• Why don’t you find something to do that is meaningful, perhaps related, perhaps unrelated to your previous teaching at the university?
• Why don’t you leave home, get a job, find friends, or go to college?
• Why don’t you broaden your horizons beyond AA and chatrooms?
• Why don’t you just leave your wife or find a way to make the marriage work?
• Why don’t you just go out and find something to do, someone to be with, some activity to enjoy, some way of giving something to life?

Why don’t these people just do what seems obvious to us who look at their lives as so unhappy but at the same time see that everyone of these men is actually quite bright? The answer to this question, rather to these questions, is different for each of these men because each of them is different in many ways. But the answer is the same for all of them in some way: they don’t want to grow up, whether the 86-year-old brilliant guy or the 20-year-old brilliant guy: they don’t want to grow up.

Really? They don’t want to grow up? Yes. They don’t see it that way, but that is actually the case because growing up is painful. And nobody in his right mind wants to do something that is painful.

Growing is painful

Of the men I have noted it would be painful to

• Give up my best friend, alcohol, to face the real world of people, places, and activities
• Give up my internet connection that is always there for my pleasure
• Give up my undue work schedule because I don’t really know how to do anything else
• Give up the 30 years of marriage that have probably been wasted.
• Find real people in real life situations that are doing something interesting
• Face the fact that I have never disciplined myself to do what I didn’t want to do
• Find, face, and finish the trauma of my early life because, frankly, there are too traumatic
• Take a job that is “beneath me” because I would have to be a normal person

Growing up is painful. Not always, but often. It would be painful for these men to do what seems obvious to us because they would be less than good at it. Rather, in all cases, these men have found a silo to live in, an addiction to indulge in, or a depression to wallow in rather than take the jump into the business of growing. Growing is painful for everyone including me. I don’t really want to grow up.

I don’t like growing up

I don’t want to grow up because I will have to change, adjust, learn, or adapt. I would much rather stay in my silo or my addition than grow up. I don’t think growing up ever stops. I am quite taken with the seniors I have mentioned that they have at least taken the step of seeing if psychotherapy might help, but in all cases, they want the world to change, which means their friends, spouses, work, or otherwise. They don’t want to make the change or choice necessary to adapt to life. This is just as true for the 20-year-old as it is for the 86-year-old.

Let me give you a couple of examples of how I don’t want to grow up and how I am facing the need to grow up anyway.

• I recently acquired a large property and all of its contents because my sister and her husband recently died. I have been overwhelmed with the responsibility of disposing of this property, which means saving, selling, giving away, or destroying hundreds of items as well as restoring their deteriorated house to a sellable place. This task is something that I am good at but don’t want to do. It has taxed my ability beyond my limits. I have come to see that I am good at care of property but in so doing I have become too attached to property. I am growing up by seeing life beyond valuing property
• When Deb and I were recently working on this property, I realized that a particular task was taxing me physically, so much so that my heart seemed to be working overtime. I didn’t stop when this happened but barreled through it. I had a heart attack three years ago, which makes me a greater candidate for having another one. I should have stopped, and realized that I need to “grow up” by working more appropriately to my overall physical health. I don’t particularly want to work less, but have found myself facing the necessity of doing so. I am growing up.
• Deb asked me to take a nightly walk. She stepped outside and I took what seemed to be a moment to check my emails. When we were walking Deb courageously said that she was “disappointed” in my checking my email when she had invited me for a walk, and added that I apparently had done similar things on my phone in the past. I was challenged and faced the fact that I simply need to be less frequently on my cell phone. I am growing up.

The most important element in any kind of psychological change, which usually means maturing or “growing up” is the fact that “I don’t want to change.” Fritz Perls, great therapist, once said, “Awareness is curative,” which means that if you can be aware of your feelings, your thoughts, and your actions, you can find ways to improve yourselves, face your challenges in life, and become a better person in the world. In the three examples noted above, I became aware of the facts that didn’t want to change, didn’t want to grow up, and faced honestly my need to grow up or grow down. I am not always aware of my lack of maturity, and when I become aware of it, I don’t always decide to adjust and grow up. Many people fail in the first aspect, namely awareness, and then fall into ways of staying put, which actually means “growing down.” Growing down usually leads to some kind of addiction.

Growing down and addictions

Addictions can be described as any behavior that intrudes on the rest of life to a significant amount. We have chemical addictions such as alcohol, street drugs, and nicotine but there are also chemical addictions to prescribed medications, food, and even water, however odd that might sound. There are also behavioral addictions that include some kind of excessive sexual practices, gambling, buying, hoarding, working, playing, screen time, or doing nothing. The people described above have fallen into the following:

• Alcohol. One many gets drunk every day
• Sexual. One man spends 8 hours a day working, 8 sleeping, and 8 masturbating
• Food: One man weighs 350 pounds
• Screen time. One man has almost no activity apart from the internet engagement
• Play: One man spends upwards of 30 hours a week in various athletic engagement
• Work: One man spends 90 hours a week working
• Nothing. One man sits in his easy chair, usually in front of the TV but rarely watching it.

The “cure” for these addictions is not to “just stop…(drinking, eating, working, etc.) but to see that these activities have kept the individual from growing up. As a result, these men have grown down into some kind of addictions.

Growing up means

• Admitting that you are growing down
• Facing the fact that you don’t want to grow up
• Seeing the negative effects on yourself, i.e. physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral
• Seeing the negative effects on other people in your life
• Feling sad
• Disciplining yourself to reduce your avoidances of life
• Cope with the disappointment and difficulty of making a slow change toward maturity from some kind of immaturity
• Seeking counsel from a mentor (priest, pastor, teacher, therapist, or wise uncle)

Read

Alfred Adler

Carl Jung

Karen Horney

The apostle Paul

Buddha