It’s a package. You have to take the whole package. Not just part of it. You have to take the whole thing. I know: you’re like me: you want part of the package, not the whole thing because you like some of it…maybe a lot of it…but there is some of it that you really don’t like. In fact, some of the package really rankles you. You would like to take the package and then just change parts of it. Maybe you could talk the package into changing or work your magic on the package so that it would see the benefit of changing a bit. But no going. The package doesn’t want to change. It just seems to think that everything is good as it stands despite the fact that the package knows that there are some problems. It seems silly to you that the package staunchly resists any kind of change that would obviously make the package really nice. Maybe perfect. It’s such a challenge for you to deal with the package. What’s more, it seems that there are “packages” all over the place.
Packages are people. Like, people in your lives. Like, people you know and love…but don’t always like. Or, more accurately, people that have certain characteristics that you don’t like. You often think, “Jack would be so much better, he would be so much better with his wife and his children, and yes, he would be so much better for you if he didn’t act a certain way, talk a certain way, believe in a certain way. You just can’t understand why he seems to need to be so…what’s the word…maybe, “difficult.” It even seems that he knows that he’s difficult but seemingly resolutely sticks with certain patterns of behaving, thought, and speaking regardless of the obvious negative reaction he gets from people. At least it seems obvious to you.
Deb and I have been discussing the “packages” in our life recently. We think that looking at the “package” is a good way to look at people, accept them, perhaps without approving of them in all ways. Loving without always liking is certainly a package deal. Finding a way, or ways, to deal with the whole person rather than thinking that it is necessary, or even possible, or even at the best interest of the package/person to change or adapt is essential. Let’s look at some examples in our lives and the lives of people we know, all persons and names changed. Then we will look at ways of dealing with the whole package, possible ways of making adjustments, and keeping true to yourself in the process.
Packages
Shirley is a package. Shirley came into our life some years ago, originally as a client and then slowly but surely became a friend, a process, by the way, that professional psychology-related organizations recommends against. We know that now, but we didn’t know it decades ago. The package with Shirley is that she is primarily a very loving person, kind to a fault, giving and generous. Who can ask for anything more. But as a book was once entitled, Love is Not Enough, we found that her loving ways were…not enough, however odd that sounds. It is a hard swallow to say that sometimes “love is not be enough!” Is love wrong? Can you love too much? Can love somehow be harmful? No to the first question and yes to the next two questions. Love is never wrong, and it is never bad, but love can be spoken or expressed in ways that are actually hurtful, or even harmful, however odd that seems. There are many people whom we define, roughly define, mind you, that are “lovers” by temperament. These are people who look for connections in the world, attach easily to people, give easily, and generally tend to be more than friendly. They are always looking for some kind of connection and harmony. You would think that there is nothing wrong with connection and harmony. Indeed, there is nothing wrong with these godly things. However, in their desire for connection and harmony, they engage people with the belief that all people seek connections and harmony. Such is not the case as you might know if you’ve read our What’s Your Temperament or I Want to Tell You How I Feel. The challenge we have with Shirley and people with the desire for connections and harmony is that they seek to connect when you might not want to connect, and they seek harmony when you might want debate. The package with Shirley is this lovely and love-based person who is generous and kind but not someone with whom you can have a bit of emotional distance, much less a person with whom you can have a discussion of ideas and differences. We accept the package and love Shirley. Which is not necessarily easy.
Francis is a person we roughly define as an “analyst” described in our temperament book. Analysts are people who look to make the world a better place. They do this by identifying existing or potential problems to solve and prevent. They are, in fact, some of my favorite people including my wife, Deb. Francis is a part of our extended family and is a very independent person. As her name might suggest, she could be male or female in the way she talks and behaves, perhaps even more “male” in the social and cultural understanding of maleness. She speaks her mind, and when she speaks, she tends to have thought through things pretty well looking at problems to solve and prevent. I have known Francis for many years and have enjoyed her company immensely, which is often on intellectual matters, political orientation, theological orientation, and philosophical/psychological understanding. Just my kind of person. The challenge I have with the Francis package is that she is inclined to tell people what to do because she thinks that they should behave in such a way. As a result, whether with her directly when she expresses her opinion about something philosophical or when she talks about the people in her life, she tends to express her opinion of what they should do or what is wrong with them. It gets a bit burdensome, so much so, that a few months ago, I had to carefully leave a conversation with Francis and Deb because I heard nothing but what was wrong with this person or that person. Much of what Francis sees and understands is correct, but her demeanor when she speaks could be seen as a kind of know-it-all even though she would be the first to admit that she doesn’t actually know it all. Many people are offended by her demeanor, and it eludes her that she offends people not ever wanting to do so. She just wants to help the world be better, which often means that she wants people to be better, unfortunately by telling them what they should do or complaining about what they do.
Sam was my best friend for a few years during my seminary years. We shared many things beginning with our spiritual/religious orientation. We lost touch for nearly 30 years, but found each other on social media. We began to renew a friendly relationship, and had an occasional social engagement given that we lived 200 miles apart. Over the years of our natural separation we had grown in different ways. Initially, these differences were not an important part of our relationship because we had been such compatriots in seminary. But as our contacts continued, I discovered that these differences were becoming a deeper part of our relationship evident by Sam trying to convince me in theological, psychological, and political matters. He is a very outspoken person as well as one who seeks harmony. His understanding of harmony was that I agree with him on all things. He regularly sent me emails regarding what he believed with the obvious belief that he could change my mind about some things that were very dear to me but not necessarily dear to him. The package with Sam included his being a very good man with very strong opinions but not much room for real discussion.
There are many other people in my life who present complicated “packages.” In fact, everyone in my life, if I am honest. Even people who are similar to me are complicated. I love to be with extravertive people, but sometimes their package includes a staunch belief that we have to agree on what we talk about. Think of people that you love but don’t necessarily like, or people you love a lot and like most of the time but there is this thing that just irritates you about their demeanor, behavior, or speech. How can you deal with the package?
Be aware
Be aware that you are dealing with a human being who is a package deal. He or she is several things:
- Different from you
- A creature God created
- Someone you love
- A person of strengths and weaknesses, some known by you, some not known by you
- A person who struggled with something as all people do
- A person who is doing their best in life despite what you might think
- A person who intends to do the right thing despite how it might look or sound
These things are not my ideas. They come from Thomas Acquinas, Dick Olney, Vernon Grounds, Carl Jung, Soren Kierkegaard, and many others.
With yourself. Being honest doesn’t always equate with expressing yourself. Being honest with yourself is to admit to how you feel mostly, what you think secondarily, and what you believe thirdly. In our book, Balls: Men Finding Courage with Words, Work, Wine, and Women we talk, especially to men, to know how you feel (and think) first and then you might mature to a place where you don’t find it necessary to say what you think or feel. But this takes practice, and it takes many trials and errors, namely of speaking too much and not speaking enough.
Being honest with a “package” means you seeing as much as you can, you feeling as much as you can, you thinking as much as you can, and you exploring what you believe as much as you can…long before you ever speak it. You might find it helpful to find words that describe the person/package. Start with things you like about the person/package, especially if this is an important person in your life, like a relative or a good friend. You have probably found yourself not liking something about her, but you wouldn’t be worrying about it if you didn’t like or love the person first. Finding words is a challenge, especially when you find yourself thinking or saying something that you don’t like. Give yourself a lot of liberty here. We say firmly, whether in therapy or in our books, words are always an imperfect statement of what we think, and even more imperfect when we say how we feel. It might be valuable for you to write your thoughts and feelings down, whether on a scratch pad or on your computer. Writing out something often gives clarity to your thoughts, and many time you will find that you didn’t actually know what you thought and felt about your friend or what you felt in their presence. In most cases you will find it unwise, or unkind at the least, to say the thing you don’t like about the person, much less criticize him or her. In the rare case where you deem it wise and necessary to tell the person something. Being honest does not mean being open about your feelings. If you feel compelled to speak, be kind.
Be careful
People are dangerous. This does not mean that people are mean, evil, or sinful. Rather, “dangerous” means that they can hurt you, or even harm you. Even the best of people. So when looking at the person/package, you need to keep in mind that people can hurt you, almost always unintentionally. However, almost all hurt that is inflicted on you or anyone else comes unintentionally from the other person, sometimes with the best of intention. The lover may always want to hug you, which could be offensive to you, but he hugs you because this is an expression of love. You don’t have to like it, but he doesn’t mean any hurt and it will come as a surprise for him to learn that hugging is not in your nature. An analyst friend might want to help you be telling you what you are doing wrong. She doesn’t know that such statements are almost always heard as some kind of assault. There are many other examples where people are “dangerous”…but not bad, not wrong, and meaning no harm. If you see something in the package/person that you don’t like, do be careful in approaching this person. This thing that you don’t like may be endemic to their character and not subject to change. Being careful does not mean being paranoid. Nor does it mean that you can’t say anything. Nor does it mean that you have to like something that you don’t like. Being careful means just that: careful with what you say or do, and to the degree possible, careful with what you think and evaluate. You can’t be careful with what you feel, by the way, because feelings are never wrong. It is the words and actions that erupt from these feelings that may be wrong.
Be prudent
Be prudent with what you say or do. Thomas Acquinas makes a point of this saying that prudence is perhaps the most important “virtue” of his four foundational virtues in life. Being prudent means being aware, honest, and careful. You can be prudent with your thoughts and your judgments even if you never say them out loud to someone. You can be prudent with what you do. You can be prudent with what you say. But as noted above, you can’t be prudent with what you feel. It is this realm that many people have trouble with their friends. They fail to be honest with themselves first, and carefully, honest with the people around themselves. Prudence is not repression, which means it is not trying to feel something that you don’t feel or think something that you don’t think. It means knowing your feelings and then being prudent with if, how, and when you express these feelings.
Be accepting
The great therapist, Dick Olney, made a point to distinguish acceptance from approval. He was not the first to say such things. Accepting the package/person means understanding that the person is, indeed, a package. The person is most certainly doing their best in life despite what you might think. S/he has come into life with the best of intention, done their best, made mistakes, some known and some unknown to you, and has arrived at a place that is, indeed, a package. Shirley, Francis, and all the others in our life collectively and our lives individually, are people we love, but do not always like. Better said, they are people we always love but don’t always like.
Acceptance…without approval…comes at an important cost: sadness. We have made a point of the centrality and importance of the emotion of sadness in all of our books, beginning with The Positive Power of Sadness, where we talk of “love problems.” Love problems are those that make us sad, angry, or afraid. We encourage people to prevent both anger and fear by allowing the emotion of sadness to run its course. In the case of the “package” this means that we need to be sad when we see something in friend that we just don’t like, or even something that we deem as dangerous. We find that the more we admit to being sad…just sad…the less we are inclined to be angry and afraid. Anger is about what we loved and lost while fear is about something that we love that we might lose.
Accepting the package of someone you love but don’t always like is a challenge. You may never be able to like a particular part of the package/person. Maintaining a relationship with a person whom you don’t always like is finding a place, hopefully a small place, for the dislike so you can continue to love the person and most likely like most of the person. There are occasions, however, when acceptance is not possible.
Ending the relationship
I have sadly ended relationships with several men over the years, many of whom have been my best friends. These endings all had the same format: liked the person, loved the person, enjoyed the person, and slowly began to tolerate, dislike, and resent the person. The mistake I made with these people, all fine men, was to ignore the significant differences I had with them. I painfully ended my relationship with Sam, noted above, but carefully identified this ending as my decision, my feelings, and my responsibility for not being entirely forthcoming over the recent years, and hence my sadness at ending what had been a very good relationship.
If you come to the decision, or should I say “discovery”, that you need to actually end a relationship, don’t threaten the end, think about it carefully, take full responsibility for the end, and don’t make any demands on your friends, much less any parting attacks on his beliefs, nature, or character. This step should not be taken easily, but if you find yourself resenting, tolerating, and complaining, it is time to realize that, however much you love your friend, it may not be possible to continue in a loving relationship.
In General You will find that when you are prudent and accepting, you will be able to take the package/person as they are. Then, and only then, will you be able to continue to love the person, engage the person, distance yourself from the person on occasion, possibly depart from this person, and perhaps rarely and prudently tell the person how you feel. But do be careful, if you “tell the person how you feel,” use the first-person pronoun, “I”. Then you can say that you are hurt, disappointed, or awkward, which are statements about you, not statements about the other person.