We have been hearing about narcissism from many sources lately. We hear of politicians who allegedly suffer from “narcissistic personality disorder” as well as family members who might also fit the category of narcissism. What is narcissism, what does it come from, and how do we deal with it? Most importantly, how do you deal with your own narcissistic traits and how deal with those traits in someone you love? In this blog we would like to discuss the real nature of narcissism, see its natural origins, see its dangers, and see its value.

We have discussed some of this information in other blogs, but bear with us so you have a fresh review. Then we will present and discuss what we think is a better way of identifying narcissism, what we visible narcissism and invisible narcissism.

What is narcissism

Simply put, narcissism is selfishness. But we must understand the essence of this “selfishness” because it has many forms. When we think of selfishness, we think of arrogant people, people who have to have their own way, and people who just think of themselves all the time, thus neglecting the other people in their lives. Indeed, these phenomena are sometimes the surface of narcissism, but the issue is much more complex.

The essence of narcissism is not the surface selfishness or self-centeredness. Rather, the real center of narcissism is quite the opposite: a lack of self. What does a “lack of self” mean? It means that the individual does not have a good sense of him/herself. We could use terms like a lack of “grounding,” “foundation,” or “core” but these terms are all approximate ways of describing what we feel and think about ourselves. If my core, foundation, or grounding is not secure, I will try to act in such a way that I look like I have a good sense of myself. The key phrase here is act like I act like I have a good sense of myself; or we might say that “I know who I am.” The fact is quite the opposite: I don’t know who I am. We could use terms like lack of self-esteem or the presence of self-criticism, but low self-esteem and high self-criticism are the symptoms not having a basic sense of self. We admit that all of these terms are subjective, but much of genuine psychology, philosophy, and spirituality is subjective.

What does narcissism come from?

We prefer to  avoid using the word, narcissism, entirely and replace it with “emotionally immature” or “an undeveloped sense of self.” But for our purposes in this blog, we will stick with the “N” word. Narcissism is actually not a mental health disorder at all. Rather, it is a failure to grow up. It is a failure to grow out of narcissism, or what we call natural child narcissism. We have written more extensively regarding the essence and development of narcissism (Johnson and brock (2011). “Narcissism and Evil.” In Explaining Evil, Vol 1, J.H. Ellens, Ed.) You might also find it helpful to review our book, I Want to Tell You How I Feel where we have a more elaborate study of emotions that develop and occur in early childhood, namely during the years of birth to age six. We summarize the development of emotions thusly:

• Year 1: fear. This is the only emotion we are born with. It serves as the most primary emotion we have. Fear keeps us alive as an infant and is shown by crying when the infant needs some external attention, namely nurturance, comfort, and safety. The infant does not know that she has a dirty diaper, which is uncomfortable, nor does she know why her stomach is hungry. But these feelings bring on the emotion of fear, actually a fear of dying. In fact, if the infant were not properly cared for, s/he would die. The infant does not have much of a sense of “self” yet because she is so externally focused, i.e. someone taking care of her. By the way, some people never get the nurturance, comfort and safety that they needed and can remain dependent on external sources for her sense of self
• Year 2: joy. The second year of life is the beginning of a sense of self largely because the two-year-old (which we think of as 1.5-2.5 yrs) now develops affection. He will “love” his security blanket, ice cream, a person, and many other things. Some people don’t successfully get out of this stage, which can lead to an undue attachment to things or people. Many good psychologists have written about attachment or the lack thereof
• Years 3-6: anger. Think of it this way: in the first year of life the infant got most of what he wanted because his wants were the same as his needs. The two-year old got most of what he wanted because he just wanted fun, engagement, and attachment, all of which are a part of loving. Now the child between the ages of about three and six meets life’s problem: he no longer gets most of what he wants. Why is this? Because his wants now have exploded because he can walk, run, talk, scream, and throw things. It is a truly terrible time for kids of this age because they don’t know that their wants now far exceed their needs. It is in this stage of life where we have what we call “natural child narcissism,” which means the child is developing a sense of self. He likes this; he doesn’t like that; he likes to move when and where he wants to move. He challenges, yells, fights, and screams. Note the pronoun here: he (or it could, of course be she, but more accurately “I” because he is developing a sense of “ I”
• Years 6 and older: sadness. If a child successfully gets through stage 3 where anger is the predominant emotion, he comes to realize that he doesn’t get most of what he wants. He is disappointed, hurt, and sad. Very few people get to this stage unscathed, but the few who do have an intrinsic understanding that wanting is good, having is good, and not having is also good. Narcissistic adults are people who carry with them the 4-year-old idea that they should have everything they want. Facing this fact leads people to different directions and different faces of narcissism, but whatever the form, the essence remains: I should have everything I want

What goes wrong with some people in the “natural narcissistic” stage of 3-6? Two things: (1) they get too much of what they want or (2) they don’t get enough of what they want. Both of these ways of coping with wants lead to a narcissistic way of life in adulthood. We call these two kinds of narcissism visible and invisible.

Visible narcissism

This is the narcissism that we see with people who are labeled as narcissistic. This variety of narcissism is visible, namely you can see it, hear it, judge it, and react to it. Folks with this form of not growing up through the third stage of childhood retain the visible phenomenon of thinking that they should have everything they want, make no mistakes, and suffer no disapproval. As a consequence, these people display the thirdly developed emotion: anger. They get angry, or at least irritable when they don’t get what they want, make a mistake, and/or receive some kind of disapproval. It doesn’t matter whether the disapproval was accurate or inaccurate. Adults with this form of narcissism can’t tolerate being challenged, criticized, or judged. Often, they denigrate the people who disagree with them or make some kind of dismissing remark about their accuser. Often, these folks are quite successful in some forms of work, especially business where the environment can foster a kind of adult narcissism. The same is true for actors and professional athletes who, if they become famous, often are unable to adjust to a world that includes mistakes and disapproval. They do not have a sense of self, so their visible selfishness is a cover for this lack as if money, property, fame, and approval would create a sense of self, which never happens. They just go on in life, often from person to person, marriage to marriage, job to job, place to place, and friend to friend looking for that perfect parent who will approve of everything they want or do.

We rarely see people with this form of narcissism in our offices these days because successfully treating this form of narcissism takes years and is often unsuccessful. While we all have some narcissistic characteristics, and all of my patients suffer some indulgence or deprivation in their lives, the truly visible narcissistic person rarely darkens the door of a therapist, perhaps knowing that the therapist just might not be the perfect parental figure. Underneath the presentation of arrogance in the individual with visible narcissism is a person with a deep sense of shame. They feel potential shame because they have not weathered the storm of failure, disapproval, and restitution. More common in therapists’ offices and in everyday life is invisible narcissism.

Invisible narcissism

This is what we therapists see much more often. In fact, I don’t think there is much actually written on this form of narcissism because its appearance is substantially different from the more visible selfishness we see in the visible form of narcissism. The truth is that there is just as much “selfishness” in the invisible variety of narcissism but it is often covered by a veneer of various social forms. The selfishness in invisible narcissism is much more subtle. People who suffer invisible narcissism tend to be passive, compliant, and generally nice…most of the time…and then tend to explode when their passiveness doesn’t get them what they want.

The essence of invisible narcissism is the same as the visible form:

• Lack of a good sense of self
• Fear of disapproval
• Fear of mistakes
• Lacking in a distinction between wants and needs

The typical person with invisible narcissism has actually had the opposite of what visible narcissists have had. Instead of indulgence and protection against failure and disapproval, invisible narcissists have had neglect, possibly associated with shame. They actually display this shame inclination in their fear of disapproval and mistakes and are especially careful to avoid either of these natural and necessary ingredients of developing a good sense of self. Like their visible cousins, these invisibly narcissistic folks have not replaced shame with guilt. Shame is fear that there is something wrong with me, whereas guilt is sadness for having done something hurtful, harmful, or simply wrong. The natural sadness of (real) guilt leads to some self-examination and improvement, whereas shame, which is the unnatural fear of disapproval, leads to hiding. Guilt builds character and a sense of self, while shame leads to hiding and a lack of character. Here again, our book, I Want to Tell You How I Feel, goes into depth on the distinction of guilt and shame. For a more brief review, check out blog Guilt and Shame.

The trouble with both forms of narcissism is that they tend to draw friends and family into a feeling of obligation to the person. With the visible form, you feel obligated to approve of the narcissistic person, while with the invisible form, you feel obligated to make the person feel better. Actually, you can’t help these folks with either of these approaches. So what can you do to help?

Dealing with narcissism

• Both visible and invisible forms of narcissism
  • Listen, but not to a fault. Listen only when you actually enjoy listening because these folks tend to talk on and on about their accomplishments. Express your feelings of disinterest as kindly as possible, perhaps by excusing yourself when you have had enough. Avoid confrontation. This will backfire on you, and you will be now an enemy, which could be psychologically dangerous. Know that narcissistic (undeveloped, emotionally immature) people are dangerous. They aren’t bad, evil, or sinful (any more than the rest of us), but they can subtly or directly draw you into being just as immature as they are. You can get tangled up in their web of wanting and complaining and end up giving more than you want to give. If you can see your “narcissistic “ friend as “emotionally undeveloped,” you might be able to be kind and limiting. Narcissistic people did not have kind limitation when they were kids.
  • If you find yourself angry, afraid, or at your wits end, they have caught you in this web, which is dangerous for you.
• If you find yourself being narcissistic:
  • Realize that all of us humans suffer from narcissism to some degree. Think of yourself positively. Avoid even using the term narcissism because of its highly negative implications. Here is where our preferred terms, undeveloped or immature can be very helpful. A healthy person can recognize and deal with being undeveloped in areas of emotional maturity. Think of yourself as having missed an important ingredient during your early childhood years, namely having good opportunity for trial-and-error learning. Determine which form of natural childhood narcissism you might have. Realize that your parents did their best, loving you as they deemed valuable. This is not a time to focus on what they did or didn’t do. Move forward in some way. This might mean taking a chance on doing or saying something without undue fear of the consequences. You will fail and you will be criticized. You need these things to grow as a person. If you have a close friend or therapist, tell that person your desire to challenge your early life fear of failure and disapproval. See if you can share your feelings of fear
  • Find the important emotion of sadness that comes from mistakes and disapproval. Sadness sis a “love problem,” i.e. I feel sad because I lost something. You lost an important part of your early childhood. You can finish growing up as we all need to do as we progress in life.

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