emotional maturity

The more I do this work of psychotherapy, augmented by daily life experience, I see that safety is central to life, and any abridgement of safety causes alarm in a person’s psychological state, which then causes alarm in one physical state and one social system. In other words, I need to be safe first and foremost. Allow me to discuss this matter of safety, and of course, the lack of safety. When I do not feel safe, I feel the emotion of fear. In a nutshell, when I feel safe, my body, mind, emotions, and social life can work at their best, but when I don’t feel safe, all four of these basic elements of life are harmed in some way.

Where does this matter of safety originate?

Safety originates (ideally) in utero, i.e. in mother’s uterus (womb). Then, when born, safety remains the main ingredient (ideally) for the infant’s first year of life. Infants need three elements to survive infancy: safety, nurturance, and comfort…in that order. If an infant is not safe, that infant will most likely die, perhaps physically as her brain will begin to withdraw from life, or at the very least she will become so impaired in life so as to have a life that is something other than living. I will get back to this “something other than living” in a moment. If an infant feels safe, all else can begin to work and prepare that infant for the rest of life, which means feeling, thinking, relating, working, and playing. The infant doesn’t recognize any of these things, of course, but rather simply notices when she is safe and when she is not safe. Enter the central emotion of fear in human development. The other necessary ingredients of an infant’s life, namely nurturance (food) and (physical) comfort, should naturally follow in infancy because if either of these elements is missing, the infant will also be impaired. We might call these three elements, safety, nurturance, and comfort, elements and expressions of love. No parents are perfect in caring for their infants, so no infant comes out having had the perfect supply of these ingredients of love, no matter how hard parents try to love their children.

We will not fully discuss the matters of nurturance and comfort leaving that discussion for another time as we focus on the lack of safety being so central in a person’s life beginning in infancy. Parents who have watched their infants approach toddlerhood beginning in the second year of life, have observed how the infant can cry out of genuine fear and then later learn to cry when the infant just wants attention. The careful parent learns to distinguish between these cries, while some parents come running every time the infant cries. When this happens, the infant retains the unfortunate “feeling,” if we call it that, that she can get attention by crying. Do you know people, children, adolescents, or adults, who comes to tears every time they don’t get what they want? Furthermore, the child who has received too much attention, does not adequately develop ways to feel safe without the necessity of external safety. The larger problem that occurs with the matter of safety in infancy is the lack of adequate parents providing external safety.

What happens when an infant does not receive the basic ingredients of a successful infancy?

• If the infant does not feel safe in infancy, she will likely have a dominant emotion of fear, perhaps for the rest of her life. We will discuss what might happens when an individual begins post-infancy without having felt safe in infancy.
• If the infant not properly nourished, the infant will remain “hungry” the rest of her life, a hunger that then gravitates towards things, people, or ideas.
• If the infant is not properly comforted, that infant will then be impaired in the matter of comfort. Some people who come into adult life with the condition of not having been comforted become unduly dependent on other people, while others become unable to be comforted.
• We can conjecture that the origin of addictions, both chemical and behavioral, result from the lack of one of these three necessary ingredients of infancy. Thus, people seek some way of assuaging their lack of safety, nurturance, and/or comfort by finding counterfeits of these elements in addictions.

Addictions as ways of compensating for the lack of proper infantile care

I am using the term “addictions” rather broadly, not specifically as defined by addictionologists. I see anything that takes me away from the good life of feeling, thinking, doing, and relating as a kind of addiction. The addiction serves as a replacement for the missing ingredients of early life, often the life of an infant. Before we examine addictions resulting from this lack, we need to examine some other possibilities that cause a person to feel unsafe in life.

It is possible that undue fear displayed in adult life actually originates before birth, i.e. in utero. Many things can complicate pregnancy and possibly cause an undue amount of fear. These include mother’s mood, which most certainly causes hormonal changes in the fetus, but of course, these moods could be joyful, sad, angry, or fearful. There could be some kind of illness that mother has during pregnancy, or the infant might suffer some kind of medical abnormality, maybe just turning around in the womb temporarily limiting the flow of nutrients from the umbilical cord. I have met people who seem to display a kind of fear that seems to predate infancy and might be in utero in origin.

Addictions can be chemical (alcohol, street drugs, and food predominantly) or behavior (sexual, gambling, working, or playing predominantly. Let me provide some examples of how people have compensated for the lack of safety in infancy by finding some sort of addictive substance or behavior. We will not discuss addictions that might result from a lack of nurturance or comfort at this time.

• Jim had two predominant addictions: alcohol and sex. Sex was demonstrated in promiscuity. As I looked deep into Jim’s background I could not see how these addictions might have come from a lack of safety, but I did see that he seemed “to be at his best” when he was promiscuous or under the undue influence of alcohol.
• Sally seemingly came from a “good and loving family” but she was “addicted” to fixing her husband, from what he did, to what he wore, to what he said. When she did not get what she thought was “good for him and us”, she fell into tears. I suspect that she was deprived of safety in some way
• Ben admits to “being addicted to sex (pornography and masturbation mostly), marijuana, food, and attention. His background clearly reveals a lack of safety in his early life.
• Peter is addicted to having enough money in his life. I was amazed to hear from him that he “could not survive” with less than $200K annual income claiming openly that he “was raised in poverty, came close to being homeless twice, and would never be in poverty again). His wife, children, friendships, and personal satisfaction suffered greatly because of his desire for money.
• Sam is also addicted to money, but more than money, he is addicted to work and to the approval that he seems to need. He readily admits that he is still striving for his father’s approval even though his father died years ago.
• Mike is addicted to alcohol, marijuana, approval, and sex. He has been in a female relationship largely because he “doesn’t want to be alone,” and smokes pot or drinks alcohol as a way of assuaging his insecurities. He also has a kind of addiction to play, which means that he would rather do play than work, perhaps because he doesn’t know what he will do when he grows up. He is 35.

These are but a few examples of the adults I see with what seems to be an underlying fear component, possibly coming from infancy but perhaps just as possibly from later years of toddlerhood, childhood, or adolescence. One of the predominant elements of fear coming to dominate an individual is the lack of appropriate freedom and limitation in early childhood. While infancy is a time when fear is the dominant emotion, the four years of years when joy, anger, and sadness need to develop.

Fear that can originate in post-infant years of 2-6

We have four basic emotions. These emotions develop in four stages:

• Fear: primarily in the first year of life. This feeling keeps an infant alive because when he feels something that is life-threatening, like being hunger, he will cry. Crying keeps him alive. If he didn’t have the ability to cry, he would not survive infancy. Thus, fear is the most central emotion that we have. The rest of life ideally mitigates the centrality of fear, but fear is not something that is wrong with us. It is something that is right with us, at least in its origin, namely in infancy.
• Joy: primarily in the second year of life. About the time a child turns one, he begins to actually love, something he has not really done during his first year of life. He loves his kitten, his blanket, his parents, or a toy. He loves certain kinds of food, and he loves some kind of physical touch. All of these things, whether alive or not, spur the one-year old and two-year old to love and to enjoy what he loves.
• Anger: primarily in the years 2-5. These are difficult years for everyone, both for the child and for his parents. Now he can walk, run, talk, sing, yell and scream. The fact that he has a lot more mobility gives him more things to love, and hence a lot more joy, but his mobility and verbal ability also gives him a lot of losses, a lot of limitations, and a lot of boundaries. Where during the first year of life where he got almost everything he wanted, and the second year of life when he got most of what he wanted, now he doesn’t get much of what he wants. Why? Because he wants more. He doesn’t know that he wants more. All he feels is something is terribly wrong with the world because he used to get almost everything he wanted and now he doesn’t get most of what he wants. So, he gets angry. Anger is the real starting point of what we call self. Anger distinguishes us from our surroundings and is very important. “Self” started a bit in infancy and then a lot more in the second year of life, but solid self has to do with me being different from the world, separated from the world, and somewhat on my own. It is not the “terrible twos” of life but rather the terrible threes, fours, and fives.
• Sadness: starting about age 6. While fear is the most central emotion we have, sadness is the most important one. It is important because absolutely everything that I love in life, be it people, place, thing, or idea, I will lose…eventually. Sadness is central to cope with the losses I have every day, whether the simple loss of coffee spilled on my shirt or the loss of my dear friend in a car accident. I need to learn to be sad, cherish the love that is always underneath sadness, and find ways to “finish” being sad. That often doesn’t happen.

Emotion in the rest of life.

If I get through these stages adequately, I have all these emotions in place in my soul, feel them naturally, value them explicitly, express them appropriately, and govern them carefully. Our present concern is for the basic feeling of safety that is so important in life, which would ideally lead to a life where I feel a minimum about of fear, a minimum amount of anger, and a great deal of joy and sadness. Most people have not properly migrated through these stages of emotional growth so that they can get to a place where they feel joy and sorrow. Rather, they are riddled with fear or they are too often angered. Anger is hard to manage, reduce, and ultimately conquer, but fear is by far the most difficult emotion to govern and also to manage and reduce in life. A daily life should ideally be something like this:

• I get up in the morning:
  • I didn’t sleep well, so I am disappointed (sad) that I must proceed with the day not having had a good night sleep
  • I slept well and feel joyful, ready to approach the day.
• I eat breakfast:
  • I spill coffee on my pants and have to change quickly (sad)
  • I am hungry and breakfast is truly satisfying (joy)
• I drive to work:
  • I get stuck in traffic and am late for my first obligation (sad)
  • I listen to an interesting NPR broadcast and feel enlivened (joy)
• I work:
  • I have to do several cold calls and receive 90% rejections (sad)
  • I make more sales that I have made in a year (joy)
• I come home:
  • I hear on the radio that Russia has invaded the Ukraine (sad)
  • I somehow just feel good about the day and decide stop for a quick end-of-the-day espresso (joy)
• I watch a bit of TV:
  • I realize that I forgot to record a program that is important to me (sad)
  • I watch a really fun comedy that makes me feel wonderful (joy)
• I get a call from a friend:
  • He tells me that his son has been in a serious accident (sad)
  • He tells me that his wife and he have just won the lottery (joy)

This is the ideal way to face these joys and sorrow in life, but what can happen instead?

I get afraid or I get angry. By the way, all anger is precipitated by fear in some way: I hear, see, or think about something untoward, get afraid of what might happen, and then get angry…in about a half second. So, in the above circumstances where I should have ideally simply been sad, I got afraid or angry. Angry at myself because I spilled coffee on my pants, angry at Russia, angry, etc. Then, I get scared. Scared that I have ruined my pants, scared that Russia invade Minnesota, scared that I will lose this or that. Whether scared or angry, I have avoided the feeling of sadness.

How these emotions work together

Sometimes we have a predominant emotion that works alone, but that is not usually the case:

• We may feel overjoyed at winning a game, being at a human birth, or seeing a wonderful rainbow
• We may feel profoundly sad at a loss of a good friend
• We may feel genuine fear when we hear a loud noise while walking in a dark alley
• We may feel genuine anger when we are accosted by someone in that alley

More often, however, these emotions come in pairs:

• Fear and anger are always a pair and are often felt simultaneously. The guy who accosts me in the alley scares me but my anger takes hold at the same time and I fight back
• When I experience an important loss, say, a person, I feel both joy at having loved the person and sadness at having lost her.
• Importantly, I cannot feel both sadness and fear at the same time
• Neither can I feel sadness and anger at the same time

I have learned many times that a patient of mine feels anxiety (fear) when they come into my office, and then after a few minutes of good therapy, they feel sadness, they no longer feel any anxiety. This is quite a remarkable phenomenon, and they are often surprised at feeling no anxiety. Thus, I can honestly say, sadness cures anxiety. Anxiety is always about the potential of losing something, so if I can feel that potential loss, I will feel anticipatory sadness. This is an odd experience feeling sad now for something that I might lose in the future. It works.

Likewise, sadness cures anger. Anger is about something that I have lost in the past, the past being a few minutes ago or years ago. If I can feel the sadness of having lost what I loved (person, place, or thing), I will feel nostalgia, which is the two components of love: joy and sadness. I will not feel anger, but this, of course, is hard to do because a part of me wants to stay angry.

We say that anxiety are “delusional.” If I get angry, I will delusionally change the past. If I worry, I will delusionally change the future. Both are delusions. Unfortunately, they are delusions that are quite common with our culture and with most people.

What can I do to effectively use these four emotions?

This is a process that takes a good deal of time, effort, and generally good therapy. The process is quite simple but very hard to do because there are forces within you and outside of you that work against this process:

• Notice what you feel, whether fear, anger, joy or sadness. Remember that all of these emotions have to do with what you love.
  • If you are afraid, note that you are afraid of losing something that you love.
  • If you are angry, you have lost something that you love
  • If you are joyful, you have something that you love
  • If you are sad, you are experiencing the loss of something that you leave
• When you have these emotions:
  • Allow joy to last as long as your soul wants to last
  • Allow sadness to last as long as your soul wants it to last
  • If you are angry, realize that you have lost something that you have loved. The more you do this, the less you will feel angry.
  • If you are afraid, realize that you might lose something that you love. Allow yourself to think of that possible loss and allow yourself to feel anticipatory sadness.
• If it is the right time and the right place and you are with the right person, tell that person that you are experiencing a “love problem” in the form of joy, sadness, anger, or fear

The ideal life is one with about equal amounts of joy and sadness. The more you get under fear and anger, the more you will feel both joy and anger, whether about the past (instead of anger) or the future (instead of anxiety). Joy and sadness always end. Fear and anger can go on forever.

The more you practice seeing the love under all these emotions, the happier you will be. And the sadder you will be.