marital

Looking to the Man

Ron Johnson communication, emotional maturity, family, Feelings, love, marital, men's issues, mindfulness, Positive psychology, relationships, Self-Awareness, social esteem

Readers of my blogs hopefully understand that my prime interest in psychotherapy is with men. I just see men in my practice with just a couple of women whom I have known for years or decades who saw me a long time ago and consult with me on occasion. Importantly, I have had an interest in understanding men, and to some degree helping men, for at least 50 years of my 55 years of practice. I have written blogs and statements about men and Deb and I are now in the final process of publishing a book with the outlandish title of Balls although the subtitle Men Finding Courage with Words, Women, Work, and Wine (“Wine” meaning addictions). I think I can speak with some clarity about men and perhaps with a bit of authority. I can speak with no clarity or authority, however, about women. That having been said, I thought it would be valuable for me to share some thoughts, experiences, and feelings that I have had recently, but more accurately, for years, about women. What does “look to the man” mean, what does it come from, and what is the value of this clause?

Looking to the man: what does this come from?

It comes from the Bible, namely the third chapter of the first book of the Bible, Genesis. You might remember Adam and Eve were created in Genesis 1 and 2 and lived in the “Garden” on earth where, it seems, everything was perfect. They were just asked to take care of the garden, and eat anything available to them except from two trees: one was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and the other tree was the tree of life. Then in Chapter 3, Eve was tempted by “the serpent,” understood to be Satan in snake form. He convinced Eve that she should eat of the first tree, which she did, and then gave some of the fruit to Adam. Then we see God appearing in some way and being disappointed in the couple, he told Adam that he would “work by the sweat of his brow.” To Eve, he said that she “would look to the man,”…whatever that means. I don’t really know why God said that Eve was to “look to the man,” but it has stirred many thoughts about how women see us men, understand us and perhaps fail to understand us. I think there is likely something very beautiful about this command and perhaps something of a conundrum for women and for men. I’d like to think that we could all do well to understand this “looking to the man” and see what we can make of it. You don’t have to believe in the Genesis account, and you don’t have to believe in God in order to profit from what sacred texts, like the Bible might have to say.

So, this is the origin of the “look to the man” clause, but what does it have to do with real life? Here is where I am treading on unfamiliar ground, or at least ground that makes sense to me. I can say this, however, that I have seen many women “look to the man” to such a degree that it is bad for the man, bad for the woman, and probably bad for any family members. Let me explain.

Examples of women who “look to the man.”

At this point I want to give some examples of how this “looking to the man” does not work and the problems it generates:

  • I recently had an encounter with the wife of a patient I saw many years ago, who unbeknownst to me, had had had several affairs over their marital years. I did my best to patch things up, but I failed in that endeavor, and they had quite a nasty divorce, almost entirely about money and property because the kids were adults. Now, years later, this woman, bright, attractive, and a person of good character, to say nothing about her evangelical Christian faith. However, in this spontaneous encounter, she told us an elaborate story of how she was taking her ex-husband to court to seek several hundred dollars in alleged back alimony. We listened patiently, but some time afterward, we mused about why this woman would want to tell us this story, especially to such extent, to some degree making comments on one or more of their children who were allegedly estranged from their dad.
  • I no longer see a couple whom I saw for two or three years, seemingly with great success because I said that I could no longer see them given the circumstances. The “circumstances were that the woman was “looking to the man” 95% of the time. Interestingly, she is the only person, and certainly the only woman, I allowed to have an extra hour of an Intake assessment because she so desperately felt the need to tell me about what “was wrong with” her husband. Over the many sessions we had, I never succeeded in helping Val find a way to talk about herself because she always had so much baggage of what Mal had done to her over the previous week. Val, too, was very bright and attractive and a successful professional woman.
  • I had a brief encounter with a woman I saw at an auction many years ago. I had briefly, but again unsuccessfully, treated her husband for his alcoholism and the underlying factors, from which he had found sobriety in AA. At this brief encounter, Sally insisted on telling me about her ex-husband, what he had done, what he hadn’t done, and what I could possibly do for him. I never saw this woman in my office and we had never done any kind of couple’s therapy, but she felt it necessary to tell me “about the man.”
  • I continue to see another couple whom I have seen for many years, more than 25 years from the start with years’ of hiatus in between. He is a very successful professional whom has made some significant errors financially in his life together with some other irresponsible behavior, like failing to adequate execute his profession leaving him a lot of free hours to do what he wanted rather than what he needed. In these 25 years, off and on, I have never heard anything from the woman about herself but rather have heard countless statements about what is wrong with her husband of more than 50 years.
  • One of the two woman I see on occasion in my office has a similar focus on her husband, now separated but not divorced. This may be about his physical health, his mental health, his work, or his (former?) girlfriend. It seems almost impossible for Janet to talk about herself.
  • I see and have seen many men whom have or have had serious medical conditions. This phenomenon seems ripe for women focusing entirely on the medical/physical conditions of their spouses, usually with almost total disregard for their own psychological conditions. While not inclined to complain, as such, their focus is, indeed, “how can I deal with this man?”
  • One couple if have been seeing for a few months seems to be improving, but recently, the man asked rhetorically, “Why is it when I talk about my feelings, I talk about myself, but when she talks about her feelings, she talks about me?”

There are many more women I have seen over the years, and many more such stories, some simpler, some more complex. I will not indulge myself with these stories, but I suggest that you examine yourself, if you are a woman in a male relationship, or look at yourself, if you are a man, in a situation when the woman in your life seems to be “looking to” you more than herself. Is there some positive aspect in this “looking to the man” that we have all missed? Do women know something important about us that we need to hear? And, importantly, do they actually profit in some way with this “looking to the man” if they don’t simultaneously look at themselves?

Possible positive aspects of “looking to the man”

Again, I’m out of my league, and out of my comfort zone with trying to understand this phenomenon. I’m much better at seeing the silver lining under men’s problems, which are many, namely anger, avoidance, addictions, and a deep anxiety under those first three. I’m sure it is much more difficult for women to see beyond a man’s anger and such and see the anxiety, and ultimately the love that always underlies such things. But that is another study, another blog (that I have already written) or a book (that I have already written). I will trudge forward with trepidation. I expect female psychologists could do much better, and probably many nonprofessional women could do well at this discussion.

What, might we conjecture, be the positive aspect of “looking to the man”? I think the “work by the sweat of your brow” command that God gave Adam is very important. At least, I think it is very important, namely that a man find meaning and value in his work. I don’t take this as a negative thing that God is saying to Adam. He is just saying, “You will have to work, work will be hard,” and possibly, “You won’t like everything you do for work.” I work diligently with man to find value and meaning in their work, not just work. Again, I’m not suggesting you have to trust the Bible, believe in God, or anything of the like, but rather consider that these statements might have some philosophical and ultimately psychological value in them

Let us muse about what might be the positive aspect of “looking to the woman.” I can say this at a very personal level: Deb has been of immense help in my understanding myself and become a better man over our nearly 50 years. I didn’t listen as much to her observations and suggestions when I was younger, but now that we have both matured, I find it rare that she is actually wrong in what she sees, says, or suggests. Could it be that women are particularly gifted in seeing things about us that we can’t see, or perhaps won’t see for some reason? I think so. So, let’s consider that there is something very positive about a woman “looking to the man.” Maybe we could even consider this a gender-based gift (apologies to the LGBTQ gang). Could it be that, truly, women see things about us that we don’t see, perhaps cannot see? If that is the case, we just might have a real pearl of wisdom that men and women could use in their relationships. Simply put (possibly), the woman sees what the man can’t see. She has a special gift in this “seeing” that he does not have. (We won’t consider the opposite, that the man sees something in the woman.) How might she use this gift? For people interested, there are several passages in the Bible, both in the Christian Scriptures and in the Hebrew Scriptures that suggest such a thing. The Syro-Phoenician woman in the New Testament, and Ruth and several others in the Old Testament. But this is for another study because there are many rich things in sacred Scriptures and a bit of garbage.

How to “look to the man” for women and how “to be seen” for men

For the woman:

  1. Look first at his strengths, his abilities, and his successes. It is too easy for all of us, men and women, to fall into seeing what is wrong rather than what is right.
  2. Dare to comment on these things, even the simple things, like if he washes the dishes, cares for the lawn, plays with the kids, or goes to work.
  3. Carefully listen to what he says about work, friends, work, recreation, relationships, and moist of his felt responsibilities. Do you your best to not offer suggestions or interpretations.
  4. Wisely, examine what ails him, from your perspective, from his, and very carefully from other people.
  5. Avoid the danger of complaining about him to any other person, especially women.
  6. Ask him if you can say something about what you feel. If he declines, let it be for another day and hope that he might bring it up. Never say anything twice.
  7. Tell him how you feel seeing strengths and such. Tell him how you feel seeing limitations and difficulties. When you “tell him how you feel,” speak about yourself, your love, your joy, your disappointment, and your hope

For the man:

  1. Carefully listen to what she says about you. She’s probably right. She may not be graceful in her presentation and she may sound critical, but she is doing her best. No one taught her how to talk to a man, especially about feelings and thoughts.
  2. When you are hurt by what she says, note it, speak it if you can, or perhaps speak about it at another time.
  3. Avoid at all costs anger. This sounds impossible but it is possible…and necessary. Women don’t understand that we have been hurt when we express anger.
  4. Begin to tell her how you feel. You won’t be good at this.
  5. Ask of her some restraint in interpreting, challenging, and disagreeing with your feelings. Know that your feelings are never wrong. The words are often so.
  6. Sometimes, just listen, and say nothing. Then, maybe, say something later.
  7. You can both get better at this.

I Don’t Like My Kid

Ron Johnson Children, emotional maturity, family, Feelings, marital, relationships, Self-Awareness, social esteem

“I don’t like my kid.” This statement must sound outrageous. It certainly isn’t something that should be said frivolously or even teasingly. It most certainly shouldn’t be said to any child. It might, however, be a statement that could be said to a confidant who could be of some help understanding and dealing with not liking a child. We hear these statements rather frequently from people who come to us seeking some guidance with dealing with their children. More regularly, however, we hear statements of dislike for some member of one’s family, be it child, spouse, or extended family member. Let me give you some examples of the reasons people feel these things and feel safety saying them to us in confidence. Secondly, I would like to provide some reasons for why people don’t actually like people in their families, how liking and loving are often quite disparate, and thirdly, how people might handle such feelings.

Before we get to examples, causes, and cures, I should mention that people don’t readily make such statements about their family members. Rather, they tend to simply complain about them. With a few exceptions most people come to therapists with complaints about people in their lives, very often their spouses, parents, or children, and sometimes their bosses or colleagues at work. It is always a challenge to help people understand their feelings of dislike, which is usually based on some kind of loss and concomitant hurt, but it can take months or years, if ever, for people to see their own feelings. It is hardest for people to admit that they don’t like their children, which is where we will start.

Disliking children

Consider the following stories of children that we have heard (all identifying information adjusted retaining the essence of the complaint:

  • Child has molested several other children. The church the family used to attend has not allowed them to return to church, at least with this child. School has been on the alert because of the possibility of his molesting other children. He has been tested as intellectually functioning several years below his physical age
  • Child of nine tends to throw a fit when he doesn’t get his way, yelling and screaming, often breaking things, and rolling on the floor. He is actually quite bright and has been tested as being intellectually far ahead of his physical years
  • Child is almost completely nonverbal with anything he thinks and feels. He can be satisfactorily in his room playing on his computer for hours. He does not respond to questions or statements.
  • Child steals food, so much so that her parents have had to put a lock on the fridge door and pantry to keep her from stealing food.
  • Child frequently stops up the toilet with his feces and refused to deal with it. Often, he has left the toilet bowl full without telling anyone. Once, he tried to plunge the toilet without success and then used several towels to clean up the mess before hiding the dirty towels in a closet only to be found several days later by a parent.
  • Child is routinely dishonest, even about very small things, so much so that she can be trusted in any way. She might lie about what she did in school, what she likes, where she went, or what she feels.

None of these children is intrinsically likable although understandably, it is hard for a parent to admit they don’t like these children despite their tendency to yell at them, demean them, punish them, and complain to us about them. We have found it helpful to help parents of difficult children to admit that they “don’t like them.” Then, this disliking tends to decrease in intensity and duration and be replaced with not liking something about the kid, perhaps most things. This can lead to appropriate encouraging and challenging children who need both. Importantly, we do not suggest saying, “I love you but I don’t like what you do” because a child cannot really distinguish between what s/he does and what s/he is.

Dislike other family members

  • Man and wife couple. I regularly do an intake assessment on a couple in which I initially meet with the couple to hear what their concern is, then meet with each partner separately to gather a social history and make clinical observations, this followed by extensive psychological testing and then an interpretative session with both of them present. The couple in my mind is one where during my session with the wife, she demanded that she spend an hour talking singularly about what she determined was wrong about her husband, and wanted to continue for a second hour.
  • Other couples. With few exceptions all couples complain about one another taking the forms of feeling neglected or registering complaints about the spouse
  • Extended family members. This is very common, like the mother-in-law who isn’t liked, the father-in-law who intrudes on the family all time, the alcoholic family member, or perhaps just the family member who has a substantially different political or religious persuasion. These days, many people separate from extended family because one member loves Trump or hates Trump together with all that goes with these loves and hates.
  • A sister who alleged that her brother molested her when she was a child. This woman later admitted that it was their father who molested her, not the brother, but she hasn’t had the wisdom and courage to apologize for her allegation
  • A woman who has totally separated herself from her biological family bringing a good deal of hurt and misunderstanding to her family members. Many people have been in the same situation where one child is molested and damaged while another child is favored in the family making two people being raised in “completely different families.”

You didn’t have any choice to what family you were born. You do have a choice with whom you make friends., Certain family members may not be ones you choose as friends. Then you might find a way to keep a safe distance from family member you don’t particularly like. It is never helpful to tell family members that you don’t them, and even worse to act out your dislike of them by choosing to be with them more than you want to.

So, what are the things that have caused a person to dislike a family member, and what can be done about it? Let’s first look at the causes of disliking a family member.

Causes of disliking a family member

  • Simple, if also profound differences in persuasion, values, and beliefs
  • Projection of other people you dislike who are of a similar persuasion
  • Long-term dislike that has not been seen and expressed, much less resolved
  • Outrageous behavior that you have tolerated but not effectively tolerated
  • A genuine impediment in the other person, such as intellectual, physical, or emotional that has implications for how the person engages the social world
  • Envy of the other person, perhaps that s/he has something or has had opportunities that you haven’t had
  • You love the person, perhaps deeply, even though you don’t like him/her. This is something that Deb and I deal with all the time. Love is blind, so the saying goes, but liking or disliking is not blind. So, we end up with blind spots that are related to the people we love.

Dealing with not liking someone in your family

  • Admit to it: first to yourself and find a way to accept the fact that you may, indeed, love someone, perhaps very deeply, whom you don’t like.
  • Differentiate what you like from what you don’t like. You may discover that there is a lot more that you like than what you dislike but you have fallen prey to thinking that you have to like everything about someone.
  • Admit to at least one other person that you don’t like, not the person him/herself; perhaps a close confident or a therapist
  • Find a way to carefully distance yourself from this person. You may never need to deal with the disliking, but you can keep a safe distance so the dislike doesn’t turn into hate or disgust, much less your saying something untoward
  • Keep a safe distance, which may in terms of geography, frequency of contacts, and intensity of contacts. You may never really be able to particularly like certain family members but you can love them…at a safe distance.
  • Not liking spouse is a case in its own because ideally one’s spouse or life’s partner should be a friend first, a lover second, and a partner third. Many romantic relationships begin with love and sex first and then partnership but never friendship. Making friends with a spouse is a real challenge, especially if you have been unhappy with him/her for a long time and have been tolerating them.

The more you admit to not liking someone, the less the not liking will dominate your feeling and the more you might just be able to love the person more as the not liking shrinks.

 

 

 

The Independent Personality and Relationships

Ron Johnson communication, Connection, happiness, love, marital, men's issues, Personality, Positive psychology, relationships, Self-Awareness, social esteem

I see a lot of men in my office who are independent by nature, and I know a few more in my acquaintances and friendships. Independence is a truly remarkable personality trait that I admire and respect. Usually, independent men (and women, of course) cut their own lines in the earth, live by their own drummers, so to say, and are responsible. More often than not, these men work for themselves often creating some business from nothing and find success in the world of work if not without challenges, setbacks, and mistakes. In fact, one of the distinct characteristics of independent people is that they are not heartbroken by such twists in the road and find ways to pick up the pieces and start again. In this blog I want to unpack these characteristics and other traits that independent people have, compare independence to dependence that is a hallmark of many other people, examine some of the challenges that they face I life, and then focus on the particular challenges that they have in maintaining relationships.

Characteristics of independent people

  • Hard-working. These folks often work way beyond the standard 40-hour week. Companies love these them because they work late, take work home, and work efficiently. I know of few who work anything less than 60 hours a week and I know of one CPA who worked 80 to 90 hours during tax season.
  • Driven. Since most of them have their own businesses, they work even harder than other folks do. They don’t need someone pushing them; they push themselves.
  • Successful. While success may come late to some of these men, usually they find it early in life and continue finding new challenges, new failures, and new successes
  • Self–critical. They tend to be hard on themselves for not doing the right thing all the time, having wasted time on a failed project, or just not meeting their own expectations.
  • Quality or quantity. Most independent people are quality-based while some are quantity-based. These are different ways some men go about life. Usually, they work to perfect their product, whatever that might be. The quantity-based guys are better at accepting less-than-perfect for their value of getting lots of things done, perhaps not all with quality.
  • Outspoken. They speak their minds and are not deterred by rejection, or so it seems. They have opinions and are not afraid to share them. Indeed, there are introverted independent guys but even these guys tend to speak their minds more than the introverted who is caught by fear of disapproval.
  • Work alone. They prefer to go about their lives, work, play, and relationships on their own for the most part. Indeed, some independent fellows have one or two people working for them, or even a score or more, but even in these situations, they prefer to work alone, whether on the jobsite or in their office
  • Interested. These guys are usually looking ahead at something that they can do. They can get bored easily and avoid boredom by thinking of new and different things that they can do. Again, this could be with work, play, or relationships.

Examples of independent men

  • N.B.: identifying characteristics of these guys have been altered while trying to stay true to the essence of what they do in their lives.
  • Sam. Sam is now retired after a very successful position in the field of recreation training. Previously, he had been in a helping profession, and now he has a developing profession that is only marginally related to what he did before. He has never been married but has had several unsuccessful relationships including one early in his life that may have been the love of his life.
  • Ben. Ben is an independent businessman in the trades although he is also a general contractor, buys and sells property, and is always on the lookout for a new deal. I see him with his wife of some years with all the challenges of relational life (see below).
  • Peter. Like Ben, Peter has been unsuccessful in his relationships but is still working on it. He worked hard to get through college and immediately started his own business, which now is quite successful, something few men achieve by age 35.
  • Bill. Bill was actually brilliant but brilliance didn’t lend itself to doing the necessary in school because he was interested in learning, not producing. He tried sales, working for his father, and drove a cab until he found a way to develop a counseling business despite that fact that he only had a B.A. and certainly not licensed. Bill also had several failed relationships and finally ended up married to a pretty psychologically impaired woman.
  • Butler. Early in life Butler decided that he wasn’t going to take any crap from anyone having taken a lot of it from his alcoholic father. He never worked for himself but found a way into a profession for the paycheck. He came into my office with the proverbial female hand in his back and seemed to profit from coming here, but eventually his wife could no longer tolerate his tendency to get angry so easily.
  • Pat. You wouldn’t know that Pat is independent because he has learned to accommodate to everyone around him. Yet at his deepest heart Pat is a person who would really want to do what he does without any interference. Now a doctoral student in a challenging field and at a challenging university, he is finding his way to be truer to himself, which means learning and ultimately writing in his profession.
  • Craig. Craig is a Buddhist chaplain after having been a successful musician and previously an enlisted man in the military. He came to me because of some questions in his marriage, which ultimately blew up in his face a few months later. While brilliant and certainly independent, he is finding his way in a new relationship but with trepidation because of previous failures.
  • Perry. Perry is an engineer whom I first met when he lost his best friend, mentor, and boss at the company he worked for. This led to a couple of other failed work relationships, not because of his lack of skill and work but he couldn’t seem to fit in. He has been unsuccessfully married for many years, a marriage that was not well-conceived and hence not well-developed.
  • Kelsy. He is a young man who just barely passed high school despite his evident brilliance. He just stopped doing what everyone wanted him to do, mostly in school, but found that he didn’t know what he wanted to do because he was so good at pleasing. He will be taking a year off to find himself.
  • Jacob. Jacob in a physician now but started out as an engineer. His private practice is barely making it despite his intelligence, drive, integrity, and general capability in his profession. He is in the process of getting divorced, perhaps largely because his investments were made without consent of his wife, and often without her knowledge.
  • Paul. Paul has actually never worked for himself but he might have done better had he do so because he has worked in many settings, all in his profession, and none of them has ever worked out for him. He is perhaps one of the most intelligent people I have ever met and is also very likable because of his connection-based nature. Yet, he has also failed to develop and sustain a female relationship

Challenges for independent men

  • Going it alone to a fault. While it is in the nature of independent people to do their own thing, work alone, and work hard, it is not in their nature to cooperative, compromise, and collaborate. Usually, they have been so successful in their work lives (although not all as noted above), they do not have the ability to truly listen to others and find a path forward that is good for all.
  • Failed relationships. This is almost a given with every independent man I have ever known. The love, often deeply, but their love is quite personal, not so much interpersonal. They can give but usually find themselves giving in because the wheels of giving and taking are not well oiled. Some get angry, some become addicted, some just avoid, but few of these men really know how to do the stuff that it takes to live with someone who doesn’t have the same perspective that they do.
  • Anger and its cognates. This could be “frustration,” irritability, complaining about people, or just plain unhappiness.
  • Lost opportunities. Several of the men I identified above have failed to go with the right job, the right school, or the right woman, and paid a dear price for that failure. Often, they were looking for the perfect school, job, or woman; otherwise, they just couldn’t pull the lever because they weren’t sure of the choice. They were looking for perfection
  • Not trusting their intuition. The jobs, school, and relationships that men got into that weren’t good for them is because they didn’t trust that this thing was not good for them even though I hear years later that they “really knew” that this job, woman, or school was wrong.

Not everyone is independent

While not the purpose of this blog, there are people who are very good at depending on others, cooperating, compromising, and giving in. As you might expect, however, these people tend to give in more than they give and up in some kind of job, relationship, or elsewhere not wanting to be there but not knowing how to get out. A lot has been written about the so-called “codependent” person, a term that is not in my vocabulary, because the individual who is allegedly codependent is usually dependent on a person who is addicted to something, and so the both of them are dependent on different things.

Suggestions for independent people

  • Affirm your independence, realizing that this is a wholly good thing, a godly thing, and a gift that you have been given and/or developed on your own. Most people don’t have what you have. You are not afraid of disapproval, at least on the surface, which gives you a leg up on most people.
  • Look to develop appropriate dependence. This means finding what I call the “N word”, not the one you’re thinking of, but “need.” You don’t “need” people, which is good, but you really do need people, just not the way you think of it. You need people to add to your nature, with whom to cooperate and compromise. This is not easy for you to do, and it does not mean giving in.
  • Avoid the tendency to give in. Because you can do almost anything, you can too easily do what you shouldn’t dl: give in. Give all you want, all you have, your left arm, or your life. But don’t give in. Giving is godly; giving in is not. You will pay a heavy price.
  • You will not find an independent person just like you. You will find independent people who are like you in wanting to do their own thing, but you won’t find someone, whether lover, friend, or coworker, who sees the world the way you see it. Give up on finding this perfect person. You might be lucky enough to find a woman who is independent, but likely she is just as stubborn as you are in the way she sees things.
  • Ultimately, you have to add to your independent nature, but you aren’t good at this. You might just muse about how you are lonely, unhappy, or looking for the perfect person (job, play), and give up on that idea and look for a good person, a good job, or a good place to live. Then you can make it better…and great