mindfulness

Looking to the Man

Ron Johnson communication, emotional maturity, family, Feelings, love, marital, men's issues, mindfulness, Positive psychology, relationships, Self-Awareness, social esteem

Readers of my blogs hopefully understand that my prime interest in psychotherapy is with men. I just see men in my practice with just a couple of women whom I have known for years or decades who saw me a long time ago and consult with me on occasion. Importantly, I have had an interest in understanding men, and to some degree helping men, for at least 50 years of my 55 years of practice. I have written blogs and statements about men and Deb and I are now in the final process of publishing a book with the outlandish title of Balls although the subtitle Men Finding Courage with Words, Women, Work, and Wine (“Wine” meaning addictions). I think I can speak with some clarity about men and perhaps with a bit of authority. I can speak with no clarity or authority, however, about women. That having been said, I thought it would be valuable for me to share some thoughts, experiences, and feelings that I have had recently, but more accurately, for years, about women. What does “look to the man” mean, what does it come from, and what is the value of this clause?

Looking to the man: what does this come from?

It comes from the Bible, namely the third chapter of the first book of the Bible, Genesis. You might remember Adam and Eve were created in Genesis 1 and 2 and lived in the “Garden” on earth where, it seems, everything was perfect. They were just asked to take care of the garden, and eat anything available to them except from two trees: one was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and the other tree was the tree of life. Then in Chapter 3, Eve was tempted by “the serpent,” understood to be Satan in snake form. He convinced Eve that she should eat of the first tree, which she did, and then gave some of the fruit to Adam. Then we see God appearing in some way and being disappointed in the couple, he told Adam that he would “work by the sweat of his brow.” To Eve, he said that she “would look to the man,”…whatever that means. I don’t really know why God said that Eve was to “look to the man,” but it has stirred many thoughts about how women see us men, understand us and perhaps fail to understand us. I think there is likely something very beautiful about this command and perhaps something of a conundrum for women and for men. I’d like to think that we could all do well to understand this “looking to the man” and see what we can make of it. You don’t have to believe in the Genesis account, and you don’t have to believe in God in order to profit from what sacred texts, like the Bible might have to say.

So, this is the origin of the “look to the man” clause, but what does it have to do with real life? Here is where I am treading on unfamiliar ground, or at least ground that makes sense to me. I can say this, however, that I have seen many women “look to the man” to such a degree that it is bad for the man, bad for the woman, and probably bad for any family members. Let me explain.

Examples of women who “look to the man.”

At this point I want to give some examples of how this “looking to the man” does not work and the problems it generates:

  • I recently had an encounter with the wife of a patient I saw many years ago, who unbeknownst to me, had had had several affairs over their marital years. I did my best to patch things up, but I failed in that endeavor, and they had quite a nasty divorce, almost entirely about money and property because the kids were adults. Now, years later, this woman, bright, attractive, and a person of good character, to say nothing about her evangelical Christian faith. However, in this spontaneous encounter, she told us an elaborate story of how she was taking her ex-husband to court to seek several hundred dollars in alleged back alimony. We listened patiently, but some time afterward, we mused about why this woman would want to tell us this story, especially to such extent, to some degree making comments on one or more of their children who were allegedly estranged from their dad.
  • I no longer see a couple whom I saw for two or three years, seemingly with great success because I said that I could no longer see them given the circumstances. The “circumstances were that the woman was “looking to the man” 95% of the time. Interestingly, she is the only person, and certainly the only woman, I allowed to have an extra hour of an Intake assessment because she so desperately felt the need to tell me about what “was wrong with” her husband. Over the many sessions we had, I never succeeded in helping Val find a way to talk about herself because she always had so much baggage of what Mal had done to her over the previous week. Val, too, was very bright and attractive and a successful professional woman.
  • I had a brief encounter with a woman I saw at an auction many years ago. I had briefly, but again unsuccessfully, treated her husband for his alcoholism and the underlying factors, from which he had found sobriety in AA. At this brief encounter, Sally insisted on telling me about her ex-husband, what he had done, what he hadn’t done, and what I could possibly do for him. I never saw this woman in my office and we had never done any kind of couple’s therapy, but she felt it necessary to tell me “about the man.”
  • I continue to see another couple whom I have seen for many years, more than 25 years from the start with years’ of hiatus in between. He is a very successful professional whom has made some significant errors financially in his life together with some other irresponsible behavior, like failing to adequate execute his profession leaving him a lot of free hours to do what he wanted rather than what he needed. In these 25 years, off and on, I have never heard anything from the woman about herself but rather have heard countless statements about what is wrong with her husband of more than 50 years.
  • One of the two woman I see on occasion in my office has a similar focus on her husband, now separated but not divorced. This may be about his physical health, his mental health, his work, or his (former?) girlfriend. It seems almost impossible for Janet to talk about herself.
  • I see and have seen many men whom have or have had serious medical conditions. This phenomenon seems ripe for women focusing entirely on the medical/physical conditions of their spouses, usually with almost total disregard for their own psychological conditions. While not inclined to complain, as such, their focus is, indeed, “how can I deal with this man?”
  • One couple if have been seeing for a few months seems to be improving, but recently, the man asked rhetorically, “Why is it when I talk about my feelings, I talk about myself, but when she talks about her feelings, she talks about me?”

There are many more women I have seen over the years, and many more such stories, some simpler, some more complex. I will not indulge myself with these stories, but I suggest that you examine yourself, if you are a woman in a male relationship, or look at yourself, if you are a man, in a situation when the woman in your life seems to be “looking to” you more than herself. Is there some positive aspect in this “looking to the man” that we have all missed? Do women know something important about us that we need to hear? And, importantly, do they actually profit in some way with this “looking to the man” if they don’t simultaneously look at themselves?

Possible positive aspects of “looking to the man”

Again, I’m out of my league, and out of my comfort zone with trying to understand this phenomenon. I’m much better at seeing the silver lining under men’s problems, which are many, namely anger, avoidance, addictions, and a deep anxiety under those first three. I’m sure it is much more difficult for women to see beyond a man’s anger and such and see the anxiety, and ultimately the love that always underlies such things. But that is another study, another blog (that I have already written) or a book (that I have already written). I will trudge forward with trepidation. I expect female psychologists could do much better, and probably many nonprofessional women could do well at this discussion.

What, might we conjecture, be the positive aspect of “looking to the man”? I think the “work by the sweat of your brow” command that God gave Adam is very important. At least, I think it is very important, namely that a man find meaning and value in his work. I don’t take this as a negative thing that God is saying to Adam. He is just saying, “You will have to work, work will be hard,” and possibly, “You won’t like everything you do for work.” I work diligently with man to find value and meaning in their work, not just work. Again, I’m not suggesting you have to trust the Bible, believe in God, or anything of the like, but rather consider that these statements might have some philosophical and ultimately psychological value in them

Let us muse about what might be the positive aspect of “looking to the woman.” I can say this at a very personal level: Deb has been of immense help in my understanding myself and become a better man over our nearly 50 years. I didn’t listen as much to her observations and suggestions when I was younger, but now that we have both matured, I find it rare that she is actually wrong in what she sees, says, or suggests. Could it be that women are particularly gifted in seeing things about us that we can’t see, or perhaps won’t see for some reason? I think so. So, let’s consider that there is something very positive about a woman “looking to the man.” Maybe we could even consider this a gender-based gift (apologies to the LGBTQ gang). Could it be that, truly, women see things about us that we don’t see, perhaps cannot see? If that is the case, we just might have a real pearl of wisdom that men and women could use in their relationships. Simply put (possibly), the woman sees what the man can’t see. She has a special gift in this “seeing” that he does not have. (We won’t consider the opposite, that the man sees something in the woman.) How might she use this gift? For people interested, there are several passages in the Bible, both in the Christian Scriptures and in the Hebrew Scriptures that suggest such a thing. The Syro-Phoenician woman in the New Testament, and Ruth and several others in the Old Testament. But this is for another study because there are many rich things in sacred Scriptures and a bit of garbage.

How to “look to the man” for women and how “to be seen” for men

For the woman:

  1. Look first at his strengths, his abilities, and his successes. It is too easy for all of us, men and women, to fall into seeing what is wrong rather than what is right.
  2. Dare to comment on these things, even the simple things, like if he washes the dishes, cares for the lawn, plays with the kids, or goes to work.
  3. Carefully listen to what he says about work, friends, work, recreation, relationships, and moist of his felt responsibilities. Do you your best to not offer suggestions or interpretations.
  4. Wisely, examine what ails him, from your perspective, from his, and very carefully from other people.
  5. Avoid the danger of complaining about him to any other person, especially women.
  6. Ask him if you can say something about what you feel. If he declines, let it be for another day and hope that he might bring it up. Never say anything twice.
  7. Tell him how you feel seeing strengths and such. Tell him how you feel seeing limitations and difficulties. When you “tell him how you feel,” speak about yourself, your love, your joy, your disappointment, and your hope

For the man:

  1. Carefully listen to what she says about you. She’s probably right. She may not be graceful in her presentation and she may sound critical, but she is doing her best. No one taught her how to talk to a man, especially about feelings and thoughts.
  2. When you are hurt by what she says, note it, speak it if you can, or perhaps speak about it at another time.
  3. Avoid at all costs anger. This sounds impossible but it is possible…and necessary. Women don’t understand that we have been hurt when we express anger.
  4. Begin to tell her how you feel. You won’t be good at this.
  5. Ask of her some restraint in interpreting, challenging, and disagreeing with your feelings. Know that your feelings are never wrong. The words are often so.
  6. Sometimes, just listen, and say nothing. Then, maybe, say something later.
  7. You can both get better at this.

Men and Responsibility

Ron Johnson addictions, Development, emotional maturity, Feelings, mindfulness, relationships, Self-Awareness, work

“It is the best of times. It is the worst of times,” to quote Charles Dickens as he penned the beginning of A Tale of Two Cities. The best and worst times for men have to do with responsibility, or we might say “their responsibilities,” namely how they face responsibility (or responsibilities), understand responsibility, and how they respond to it. Responsibilities give men a great sense of accomplishment, give them self-esteem, give them an opportunity to serve their families, communities, and the world. This is the best of times. Responsibilities can also be the worst of times as they can cause tremendous anxiety for men, and then this anxiety can migrate into the three challenges men have: avoidance, anger, and addiction. Note that my primary comments have to do with men, as the helping of men mature is the passion of my life. Allow me to start by identifying several men (identifying information adjusted for the purpose of maintaining privacy) who demonstrate various ways of facing their responsibilities in life.

  • Jack: Jack is in his mid-thirties, bright, a college graduate, and a man of good character. Sadly, however, Jack hasn’t done anything of significance if life to date and there seems to be no realistic path ahead for Jack. He has fallen into mild to moderate depression with interludes of mild excitement and hope. Perhaps, the most interesting thing about Jack is that he really wants to be President of the United States. He admits that he has no idea of what he would do as President, to say nothing of how he might get elected, but he feels a deep passion to do something great. He also talks about being some kind of hero, in the likes of a “superhero”, but again doesn’t know how he might become a hero. I attempted to help him with something practical, like maybe getting job flipping hamburgers, but I have abandoned any and all such suggestions because they fall on deaf ears.
  • Ben: Ben is over 80 and has been a pastor for nearly 60 years. He has been successfully married, raised three successful children, and served many churches over these years as well as being in a supervisory role for many years sometime back. He is well liked and well respected by all who know him, from what I can determine. Like, Jack, he is bright, a man of good character, and has several advanced degrees. Unfortunately, at 80-plus, he is in so much debt that he is not able to keep up, probably something well beyond $100K with little or no income aside from a meagre social security. How he got there has a lot to do with responsibility, or lack thereof, something that we talked about recently. His most visible lack of responsibility has to do with how he managed money, or lack thereof, but as I have come to know Ben, I have seen that he has avoided all kinds of responsibilities all his life, whether financial, practical, or interpersonal.
  • Peter: Peter wants to be a doctor, or so he told me the first time I saw him. More accurately, the second time I had seen him because I saw him some 15 years ago. He is also mid-30’s and not doing much. He barely finished high school and never went to college. Somehow, the idea of becoming a doctor came into his mind and so he decided to come into my office to help him with his (pipe) dream. He has been taken care of by his wife for many years and before that was subsidized by his mother for years. He never has held any kind of full-time job. I can’t ascribe to Peter high intelligence and good character but he is generally a good man.
  • Alex: Alex is a man in his early 50’s and is the opposite of what we see in the likes of Jack and Peter, although he shares intelligence and good character with them. He has always worked, raised his family, worked diligently in his local church, and generally served everyone…with the exception of himself. Some years ago, much against his wishes, he found that he was truly unable to work, perhaps largely due to severe apnea that has not allowed him to get a good night’s rest for five years or more. He would dearly like to return to work and made one futile attempt at it some time ago, which probably just set him back six months. He has always done what he deemed should be done in life starting from about the time he was 8 or 9 and culminating with taking over the role of the man in the house when his dad ran off with the babysitter.
  • Guido: Guido, as his name might suggest, comes from Italian heritage although he has not been particularly interested in his European heritage. He has been an ardent follower of sports, particularly the Green Back Packers and the Wisconsin Badgers, staying a committed fan for 55 of his 65 five years. He graduated from college as a financial manager and did reasonably well, for the most part, but never really successful. Over the past 30 years that I have known him, he has been hired, fired, quit, and worked occasionally, but never with any meaningful passion. His real passion? Feelings, ,particularly other people’s feelings, so much so that he has been both liked and despised by almost everyone he has known. He has not had a meaningful job for 5 or 10 years, which is my guess, but he also has wanted to do something “great” like Jack, never quite knowing what that might be. He encounters random people in his semi-retirement but seemingly has no intimate friends from what I can tell despite the fact that he is both intelligent and somewhat fluent with certain aspects of psychology. He has never been married, lost perhaps the one love of his life and hasn’t been able to sustain any kind of intimate relationship since that unfortunate event in his life. While he pays his bills and such, he is radically alcoholic depending on drinking nightly until he passes out, something that he has done for perhaps 30 years.
  • Bill: Bill shares the high intelligence and good character so often present with men who can’t seem to face the responsibilities of life or face them to a fault. Fiercely independent, Bill took 20 years to finish college because he refused to take English 2 because “it was beneath him” and because he had taken several advanced English classes. When the university changed its requirements, he was given a diploma having acquired 170 credit hours in a college that required only 120. Bill also was never successfully employed having tried to sell insurance, worked in his dad’s business for a year or two (unsuccessfully), and driving a cab (actually quite successfully) off and on. He was a voracious reader. When his father died and his mother became impaired with dementia, he took care of her for 5 or 6 years, but died when he was 59, a young age for most people, probably caused to some degree by his caretaking of his mother. He was married to a severely characterologically impaired woman whom he couldn’t divorce because his wedding vows included the statement, “I will not divorce you,” not unlike the vow he made to his mother that he “would never put you in a nursing home.” Bill acted so responsibility with his impaired wife and mother, that it killed him. On the other hand, he was not responsible to himself, somewhat like Guido, and had very little care for finances and property. He never owned a home, much less took care of it.

These seem like severe cases, but in fact, they are not so uncommon. The names, places, ages, and responsibilities vary but the theme is the same in all of these fine men: a failure to face, feel, and act responsibly. What went wrong with these men, especially in light of their intelligence and good character? No one taught them about responsibility. Bill’s father was truly brilliant but had been fired a couple of times over his life before he started his own business, but Bill and his father were substantially different, something that caused Bill to avoid doing the things that his dad wanted him to do. Ben talked about how farmer father would simply “go to the bank and ask for $1000 or more,” which the bank would gladly loan him because they trusted him, Ben didn’t learn the rudiments of being financially responsible, much being responsible in his work, much less in the care of property. He was so good at speaking and telling stories that he got away with the results of his lack of responsibility. A couple of the other men didn’t really have fathers, like Jack and Guido. In general, men are not taught about responsibilities. Rather, they are taught some responsibilities but not others. Very few men are taught, for instance, how to relate to women, when to give, when to restrain from giving, when to speak, when not to speak, and certainly when to do something and when to choose not to do it.  The results of this lack of responsivities are many.

The results of being irresponsible

Not all men suffer all of the results of a failure to be responsible, but all men have one or more of these consequences:

  • Ill health. All of the men I have mentioned above are in ill health of some kind. One man has cancer, another is underweight because of a poor diet and lack of exercise while three others are overweight for the same reason. One suffers from apnea as I noted. I currently have several men in my office who are in the neighborhood of 70 years old all suffering from ill health, all of which has to do with a failure to accept the responsibility of caring for one’s body
  • Financial. Not all of these men actually suffer from financial difficulties but none of them has been prudent with earning, saving, and spending. I know of two millionaires who have failed to adequately care for money, one of which works 80 hours a week “trying to earn his (deceased) father’s approval,” while another spends wildly on “toys.”
  • Unsatisfactory work. Jack can’t seem to accept that he needs to work at something…anything in order to make it in life, much less be President. Ben loved his work, which was largely speaking, preaching, and having coffee conversations with other pastors, but he didn’t do the important work of teaching, which requires study and planning. Alex never recovered from having too much mother (and mother figures) and not enough father. He turned out being a visible failure while Alex worked so hard that he neglected some important psychological and relational matters in life. Sadly, one of his sons is estranged from him, a phenomenon I have seen with many men who didn’t know how to be fully responsible.
  • Unsatisfactory intimate relationships. Female relationships are always adversely affected by men not knowing how to be responsible. Some men dominate while most men fail to know how to say “yes” and “no” responsibly. Most men fall into undue anger, while others go towards avoidance or addiction. Who taught us men how to be good partners to the women in our lives? No one.
  • Addictions. The obvious include the alcoholism that Guido displays. One of these men has been impotent for many years probably due to the sexual abuse he had as a child, while many men fall into sexual addictions like pornography together with undue masturbation. Some men fall into play, whether computer-based gaming or being in 4 baseball leagues in the summer. Some men fall into a work addiction. All addictions are due to a failure to understand one’s feelings, value them, and appropriately express them.

How can men be responsible and avoid such problems?

  • Admit to yourself that no one really taught you the breadth of responsibilities. Do this, and you will feel childlike and a bit helpless. This is a beginning, not an end. Don’t tell anyone although if you are lucky enough to have a good friend, partner, or therapist, you might be able to speak of feeling helpless and childlike.
  • Take a look at the myriad of responsibilities that you have in life: health, money, relationships, children, property, work, retirement, and friendships. Note that you have many things that you need to attend to. Note again, privately, that no one taught you about such things. It’s not your fault. It is your responsibility to do something about it.
  • See the breadth of responsibilities, not just one or two. If you are good with finances, good for you; most men aren’t. If you good with managing your sexuality, good for you also. You might be good at sports, reading, writing, playing, telling stories, or particularly good with children. Maybe you’re even good with the whole matter of feelings, as most are not, so good for you. Maybe you’re good with the care of property as many men are…and many men are not. Take stock of what you’re good at, what you do well and do in a timely fashion. You are probably good with some kind of responsibilities and less good at others. Join the crowd.
  • When you see a bit (or a lot) of irresponsibility in some arena of life, admit that you don’t want to do this thing that you seemingly should do. Certainly, you don’t have to do everything that you don’t want to do. Many men get caught thinking that they have to do something before they admit that they don’t want to do it. One of the guys noted above really doesn’t want to do his taxes… for the past three years. He needs to admit that he doesn’t want to do it, and then painfully do it.
  • Do not do what other people say you should do. They’re wrong for telling you so. Something that is easy for one man is not easy for another. But as Desiderata says, “listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for they all have their stories.”
  • Realize that the things that you…no one else…knows…not “feels”…should be done, are your responsibilities and not anyone else’s. It’s hard enough to be your own task master, let alone tending to others’ opinions.
  • Do something that you don’t want to do admitting to yourself that you don’t want to do it. You may truly hate cutting the grass or doing reports. Don’t do these things out of obligation to someone else (your wife, your boss, or your friend), but obligation to yourself.
  • Note that when you actually do something you don’t particularly want to do, you don’t actually feel the “accomplishment” that other people might feel when they do this same thing that they might actually enjoy. Take this moment to yourself and realize that you have been “responsible” in doing something that you didn’t want to do, or perhaps that you didn’t know how to do, or perhaps that you did in a less than perfect way.
  • Then, having done this terrible thing, do something that you really want to do, whatever that might be. Give yourself a break.
  • Then, tomorrow, do this “terrible thing” again. And, maybe the next day.

Keep in touch.

 

The Centrality of Safety

Ron Johnson emotional maturity, Feelings, grief, happiness, love, mindfulness, Self-Awareness

The more I do this work of psychotherapy, augmented by daily life experience, I see that safety is central to life, and any abridgement of safety causes alarm in a person’s psychological state, which then causes alarm in one physical state and one social system. In other words, I need to be safe first and foremost. Allow me to discuss this matter of safety, and of course, the lack of safety. When I do not feel safe, I feel the emotion of fear. In a nutshell, when I feel safe, my body, mind, emotions, and social life can work at their best, but when I don’t feel safe, all four of these basic elements of life are harmed in some way.

Where does this matter of safety originate?

Safety originates (ideally) in utero, i.e. in mother’s uterus (womb). Then, when born, safety remains the main ingredient (ideally) for the infant’s first year of life. Infants need three elements to survive infancy: safety, nurturance, and comfort…in that order. If an infant is not safe, that infant will most likely die, perhaps physically as her brain will begin to withdraw from life, or at the very least she will become so impaired in life so as to have a life that is something other than living. I will get back to this “something other than living” in a moment. If an infant feels safe, all else can begin to work and prepare that infant for the rest of life, which means feeling, thinking, relating, working, and playing. The infant doesn’t recognize any of these things, of course, but rather simply notices when she is safe and when she is not safe. Enter the central emotion of fear in human development. The other necessary ingredients of an infant’s life, namely nurturance (food) and (physical) comfort, should naturally follow in infancy because if either of these elements is missing, the infant will also be impaired. We might call these three elements, safety, nurturance, and comfort, elements and expressions of love. No parents are perfect in caring for their infants, so no infant comes out having had the perfect supply of these ingredients of love, no matter how hard parents try to love their children.

We will not fully discuss the matters of nurturance and comfort leaving that discussion for another time as we focus on the lack of safety being so central in a person’s life beginning in infancy. Parents who have watched their infants approach toddlerhood beginning in the second year of life, have observed how the infant can cry out of genuine fear and then later learn to cry when the infant just wants attention. The careful parent learns to distinguish between these cries, while some parents come running every time the infant cries. When this happens, the infant retains the unfortunate “feeling,” if we call it that, that she can get attention by crying. Do you know people, children, adolescents, or adults, who comes to tears every time they don’t get what they want? Furthermore, the child who has received too much attention, does not adequately develop ways to feel safe without the necessity of external safety. The larger problem that occurs with the matter of safety in infancy is the lack of adequate parents providing external safety.

What happens when an infant does not receive the basic ingredients of a successful infancy?

  • If the infant does not feel safe in infancy, she will likely have a dominant emotion of fear, perhaps for the rest of her life. We will discuss what might happens when an individual begins post-infancy without having felt safe in infancy.
  • If the infant not properly nourished, the infant will remain “hungry” the rest of her life, a hunger that then gravitates towards things, people, or ideas.
  • If the infant is not properly comforted, that infant will then be impaired in the matter of comfort. Some people who come into adult life with the condition of not having been comforted become unduly dependent on other people, while others become unable to be comforted.
  • We can conjecture that the origin of addictions, both chemical and behavioral, result from the lack of one of these three necessary ingredients of infancy. Thus, people seek some way of assuaging their lack of safety, nurturance, and/or comfort by finding counterfeits of these elements in addictions.

Addictions as ways of compensating for the lack of proper infantile care

I am using the term “addictions” rather broadly, not specifically as defined by addictionologists. I see anything that takes me away from the good life of feeling, thinking, doing, and relating as a kind of addiction. The addiction serves as a replacement for the missing ingredients of early life, often the life of an infant. Before we examine addictions resulting from this lack, we need to examine some other possibilities that cause a person to feel unsafe in life.

It is possible that undue fear displayed in adult life actually originates before birth, i.e. in utero. Many things can complicate pregnancy and possibly cause an undue amount of fear. These include mother’s mood, which most certainly causes hormonal changes in the fetus, but of course, these moods could be joyful, sad, angry, or fearful. There could be some kind of illness that mother has during pregnancy, or the infant might suffer some kind of medical abnormality, maybe just turning around in the womb temporarily limiting the flow of nutrients from the umbilical cord. I have met people who seem to display a kind of fear that seems to predate infancy and might be in utero in origin.

Addictions can be chemical (alcohol, street drugs, and food predominantly) or behavior (sexual, gambling, working, or playing predominantly. Let me provide some examples of how people have compensated for the lack of safety in infancy by finding some sort of addictive substance or behavior. We will not discuss addictions that might result from a lack of nurturance or comfort at this time.

  • Jim had two predominant addictions: alcohol and sex. Sex was demonstrated in promiscuity. As I looked deep into Jim’s background I could not see how these addictions might have come from a lack of safety, but I did see that he seemed “to be at his best” when he was promiscuous or under the undue influence of alcohol.
  • Sally seemingly came from a “good and loving family” but she was “addicted” to fixing her husband, from what he did, to what he wore, to what he said. When she did not get what she thought was “good for him and us”, she fell into tears. I suspect that she was deprived of safety in some way
  • Ben admits to “being addicted to sex (pornography and masturbation mostly), marijuana, food, and attention. His background clearly reveals a lack of safety in his early life.
  • Peter is addicted to having enough money in his life. I was amazed to hear from him that he “could not survive” with less than $200K annual income claiming openly that he “was raised in poverty, came close to being homeless twice, and would never be in poverty again). His wife, children, friendships, and personal satisfaction suffered greatly because of his desire for money.
  • Sam is also addicted to money, but more than money, he is addicted to work and to the approval that he seems to need. He readily admits that he is still striving for his father’s approval even though his father died years ago.
  • Mike is addicted to alcohol, marijuana, approval, and sex. He has been in a female relationship largely because he “doesn’t want to be alone,” and smokes pot or drinks alcohol as a way of assuaging his insecurities. He also has a kind of addiction to play, which means that he would rather do play than work, perhaps because he doesn’t know what he will do when he grows up. He is 35.

These are but a few examples of the adults I see with what seems to be an underlying fear component, possibly coming from infancy but perhaps just as possibly from later years of toddlerhood, childhood, or adolescence. One of the predominant elements of fear coming to dominate an individual is the lack of appropriate freedom and limitation in early childhood. While infancy is a time when fear is the dominant emotion, the four years of years when joy, anger, and sadness need to develop.

Fear that can originate in post-infant years of 2-6

We have four basic emotions. These emotions develop in four stages:

  • Fear: primarily in the first year of life. This feeling keeps an infant alive because when he feels something that is life-threatening, like being hunger, he will cry. Crying keeps him alive. If he didn’t have the ability to cry, he would not survive infancy. Thus, fear is the most central emotion that we have. The rest of life ideally mitigates the centrality of fear, but fear is not something that is wrong with us. It is something that is right with us, at least in its origin, namely in infancy.
  • Joy: primarily in the second year of life. About the time a child turns one, he begins to actually love, something he has not really done during his first year of life. He loves his kitten, his blanket, his parents, or a toy. He loves certain kinds of food, and he loves some kind of physical touch. All of these things, whether alive or not, spur the one-year old and two-year old to love and to enjoy what he loves.
  • Anger: primarily in the years 2-5. These are difficult years for everyone, both for the child and for his parents. Now he can walk, run, talk, sing, yell and scream. The fact that he has a lot more mobility gives him more things to love, and hence a lot more joy, but his mobility and verbal ability also gives him a lot of losses, a lot of limitations, and a lot of boundaries. Where during the first year of life where he got almost everything he wanted, and the second year of life when he got most of what he wanted, now he doesn’t get much of what he wants. Why? Because he wants more. He doesn’t know that he wants more. All he feels is something is terribly wrong with the world because he used to get almost everything he wanted and now he doesn’t get most of what he wants. So, he gets angry. Anger is the real starting point of what we call self. Anger distinguishes us from our surroundings and is very important. “Self” started a bit in infancy and then a lot more in the second year of life, but solid self has to do with me being different from the world, separated from the world, and somewhat on my own. It is not the “terrible twos” of life but rather the terrible threes, fours, and fives.
  • Sadness: starting about age 6. While fear is the most central emotion we have, sadness is the most important one. It is important because absolutely everything that I love in life, be it people, place, thing, or idea, I will lose…eventually. Sadness is central to cope with the losses I have every day, whether the simple loss of coffee spilled on my shirt or the loss of my dear friend in a car accident. I need to learn to be sad, cherish the love that is always underneath sadness, and find ways to “finish” being sad. That often doesn’t happen.

Emotion in the rest of life.

If I get through these stages adequately, I have all these emotions in place in my soul, feel them naturally, value them explicitly, express them appropriately, and govern them carefully. Our present concern is for the basic feeling of safety that is so important in life, which would ideally lead to a life where I feel a minimum about of fear, a minimum amount of anger, and a great deal of joy and sadness. Most people have not properly migrated through these stages of emotional growth so that they can get to a place where they feel joy and sorrow. Rather, they are riddled with fear or they are too often angered. Anger is hard to manage, reduce, and ultimately conquer, but fear is by far the most difficult emotion to govern and also to manage and reduce in life. A daily life should ideally be something like this:

  • I get up in the morning:
    • I didn’t sleep well, so I am disappointed (sad) that I must proceed with the day not having had a good night sleep
    • I slept well and feel joyful, ready to approach the day.
  • I eat breakfast:
    • I spill coffee on my pants and have to change quickly (sad)
    • I am hungry and breakfast is truly satisfying (joy)
  • I drive to work:
    • I get stuck in traffic and am late for my first obligation (sad)
    • I listen to an interesting NPR broadcast and feel enlivened (joy)
  • I work:
    • I have to do several cold calls and receive 90% rejections (sad)
    • I make more sales that I have made in a year (joy)
  • I come home:
    • I hear on the radio that Russia has invaded the Ukraine (sad)
    • I somehow just feel good about the day and decide stop for a quick end-of-the-day espresso (joy)
  • I watch a bit of TV:
    • I realize that I forgot to record a program that is important to me (sad)
    • I watch a really fun comedy that makes me feel wonderful (joy)
  • I get a call from a friend:
    • He tells me that his son has been in a serious accident (sad)
    • He tells me that his wife and he have just won the lottery (joy)

This is the ideal way to face these joys and sorrow in life, but what can happen instead?

I get afraid or I get angry. By the way, all anger is precipitated by fear in some way: I hear, see, or think about something untoward, get afraid of what might happen, and then get angry…in about a half second. So, in the above circumstances where I should have ideally simply been sad, I got afraid or angry. Angry at myself because I spilled coffee on my pants, angry at Russia, angry, etc. Then, I get scared. Scared that I have ruined my pants, scared that Russia invade Minnesota, scared that I will lose this or that. Whether scared or angry, I have avoided the feeling of sadness.

How these emotions work together

Sometimes we have a predominant emotion that works alone, but that is not usually the case:

  • We may feel overjoyed at winning a game, being at a human birth, or seeing a wonderful rainbow
  • We may feel profoundly sad at a loss of a good friend
  • We may feel genuine fear when we hear a loud noise while walking in a dark alley
  • We may feel genuine anger when we are accosted by someone in that alley

More often, however, these emotions come in pairs:

  • Fear and anger are always a pair and are often felt simultaneously. The guy who accosts me in the alley scares me but my anger takes hold at the same time and I fight back
  • When I experience an important loss, say, a person, I feel both joy at having loved the person and sadness at having lost her.
  • Importantly, I cannot feel both sadness and fear at the same time
  • Neither can I feel sadness and anger at the same time

I have learned many times that a patient of mine feels anxiety (fear) when they come into my office, and then after a few minutes of good therapy, they feel sadness, they no longer feel any anxiety. This is quite a remarkable phenomenon, and they are often surprised at feeling no anxiety. Thus, I can honestly say, sadness cures anxiety. Anxiety is always about the potential of losing something, so if I can feel that potential loss, I will feel anticipatory sadness. This is an odd experience feeling sad now for something that I might lose in the future. It works.

Likewise, sadness cures anger. Anger is about something that I have lost in the past, the past being a few minutes ago or years ago. If I can feel the sadness of having lost what I loved (person, place, or thing), I will feel nostalgia, which is the two components of love: joy and sadness. I will not feel anger, but this, of course, is hard to do because a part of me wants to stay angry.

We say that anxiety are “delusional.” If I get angry, I will delusionally change the past. If I worry, I will delusionally change the future. Both are delusions. Unfortunately, they are delusions that are quite common with our culture and with most people.

What can I do to effectively use these four emotions?

This is a process that takes a good deal of time, effort, and generally good therapy. The process is quite simple but very hard to do because there are forces within you and outside of you that work against this process:

  • Notice what you feel, whether fear, anger, joy or sadness. Remember that all of these emotions have to do with what you love.
    • If you are afraid, note that you are afraid of losing something that you love.
    • If you are angry, you have lost something that you love
    • If you are joyful, you have something that you love
    • If you are sad, you are experiencing the loss of something that you leave
  • When you have these emotions:
    • Allow joy to last as long as your soul wants to last
    • Allow sadness to last as long as your soul wants it to last
    • If you are angry, realize that you have lost something that you have loved. The more you do this, the less you will feel angry.
    • If you are afraid, realize that you might lose something that you love. Allow yourself to think of that possible loss and allow yourself to feel anticipatory sadness.
  • If it is the right time and the right place and you are with the right person, tell that person that you are experiencing a “love problem” in the form of joy, sadness, anger, or fear

The ideal life is one with about equal amounts of joy and sadness. The more you get under fear and anger, the more you will feel both joy and anger, whether about the past (instead of anger) or the future (instead of anxiety). Joy and sadness always end. Fear and anger can go on forever.

The more you practice seeing the love under all these emotions, the happier you will be. And the sadder you will be.