social esteem

Looking to the Man

Ron Johnson communication, emotional maturity, family, Feelings, love, marital, men's issues, mindfulness, Positive psychology, relationships, Self-Awareness, social esteem

Readers of my blogs hopefully understand that my prime interest in psychotherapy is with men. I just see men in my practice with just a couple of women whom I have known for years or decades who saw me a long time ago and consult with me on occasion. Importantly, I have had an interest in understanding men, and to some degree helping men, for at least 50 years of my 55 years of practice. I have written blogs and statements about men and Deb and I are now in the final process of publishing a book with the outlandish title of Balls although the subtitle Men Finding Courage with Words, Women, Work, and Wine (“Wine” meaning addictions). I think I can speak with some clarity about men and perhaps with a bit of authority. I can speak with no clarity or authority, however, about women. That having been said, I thought it would be valuable for me to share some thoughts, experiences, and feelings that I have had recently, but more accurately, for years, about women. What does “look to the man” mean, what does it come from, and what is the value of this clause?

Looking to the man: what does this come from?

It comes from the Bible, namely the third chapter of the first book of the Bible, Genesis. You might remember Adam and Eve were created in Genesis 1 and 2 and lived in the “Garden” on earth where, it seems, everything was perfect. They were just asked to take care of the garden, and eat anything available to them except from two trees: one was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and the other tree was the tree of life. Then in Chapter 3, Eve was tempted by “the serpent,” understood to be Satan in snake form. He convinced Eve that she should eat of the first tree, which she did, and then gave some of the fruit to Adam. Then we see God appearing in some way and being disappointed in the couple, he told Adam that he would “work by the sweat of his brow.” To Eve, he said that she “would look to the man,”…whatever that means. I don’t really know why God said that Eve was to “look to the man,” but it has stirred many thoughts about how women see us men, understand us and perhaps fail to understand us. I think there is likely something very beautiful about this command and perhaps something of a conundrum for women and for men. I’d like to think that we could all do well to understand this “looking to the man” and see what we can make of it. You don’t have to believe in the Genesis account, and you don’t have to believe in God in order to profit from what sacred texts, like the Bible might have to say.

So, this is the origin of the “look to the man” clause, but what does it have to do with real life? Here is where I am treading on unfamiliar ground, or at least ground that makes sense to me. I can say this, however, that I have seen many women “look to the man” to such a degree that it is bad for the man, bad for the woman, and probably bad for any family members. Let me explain.

Examples of women who “look to the man.”

At this point I want to give some examples of how this “looking to the man” does not work and the problems it generates:

  • I recently had an encounter with the wife of a patient I saw many years ago, who unbeknownst to me, had had had several affairs over their marital years. I did my best to patch things up, but I failed in that endeavor, and they had quite a nasty divorce, almost entirely about money and property because the kids were adults. Now, years later, this woman, bright, attractive, and a person of good character, to say nothing about her evangelical Christian faith. However, in this spontaneous encounter, she told us an elaborate story of how she was taking her ex-husband to court to seek several hundred dollars in alleged back alimony. We listened patiently, but some time afterward, we mused about why this woman would want to tell us this story, especially to such extent, to some degree making comments on one or more of their children who were allegedly estranged from their dad.
  • I no longer see a couple whom I saw for two or three years, seemingly with great success because I said that I could no longer see them given the circumstances. The “circumstances were that the woman was “looking to the man” 95% of the time. Interestingly, she is the only person, and certainly the only woman, I allowed to have an extra hour of an Intake assessment because she so desperately felt the need to tell me about what “was wrong with” her husband. Over the many sessions we had, I never succeeded in helping Val find a way to talk about herself because she always had so much baggage of what Mal had done to her over the previous week. Val, too, was very bright and attractive and a successful professional woman.
  • I had a brief encounter with a woman I saw at an auction many years ago. I had briefly, but again unsuccessfully, treated her husband for his alcoholism and the underlying factors, from which he had found sobriety in AA. At this brief encounter, Sally insisted on telling me about her ex-husband, what he had done, what he hadn’t done, and what I could possibly do for him. I never saw this woman in my office and we had never done any kind of couple’s therapy, but she felt it necessary to tell me “about the man.”
  • I continue to see another couple whom I have seen for many years, more than 25 years from the start with years’ of hiatus in between. He is a very successful professional whom has made some significant errors financially in his life together with some other irresponsible behavior, like failing to adequate execute his profession leaving him a lot of free hours to do what he wanted rather than what he needed. In these 25 years, off and on, I have never heard anything from the woman about herself but rather have heard countless statements about what is wrong with her husband of more than 50 years.
  • One of the two woman I see on occasion in my office has a similar focus on her husband, now separated but not divorced. This may be about his physical health, his mental health, his work, or his (former?) girlfriend. It seems almost impossible for Janet to talk about herself.
  • I see and have seen many men whom have or have had serious medical conditions. This phenomenon seems ripe for women focusing entirely on the medical/physical conditions of their spouses, usually with almost total disregard for their own psychological conditions. While not inclined to complain, as such, their focus is, indeed, “how can I deal with this man?”
  • One couple if have been seeing for a few months seems to be improving, but recently, the man asked rhetorically, “Why is it when I talk about my feelings, I talk about myself, but when she talks about her feelings, she talks about me?”

There are many more women I have seen over the years, and many more such stories, some simpler, some more complex. I will not indulge myself with these stories, but I suggest that you examine yourself, if you are a woman in a male relationship, or look at yourself, if you are a man, in a situation when the woman in your life seems to be “looking to” you more than herself. Is there some positive aspect in this “looking to the man” that we have all missed? Do women know something important about us that we need to hear? And, importantly, do they actually profit in some way with this “looking to the man” if they don’t simultaneously look at themselves?

Possible positive aspects of “looking to the man”

Again, I’m out of my league, and out of my comfort zone with trying to understand this phenomenon. I’m much better at seeing the silver lining under men’s problems, which are many, namely anger, avoidance, addictions, and a deep anxiety under those first three. I’m sure it is much more difficult for women to see beyond a man’s anger and such and see the anxiety, and ultimately the love that always underlies such things. But that is another study, another blog (that I have already written) or a book (that I have already written). I will trudge forward with trepidation. I expect female psychologists could do much better, and probably many nonprofessional women could do well at this discussion.

What, might we conjecture, be the positive aspect of “looking to the man”? I think the “work by the sweat of your brow” command that God gave Adam is very important. At least, I think it is very important, namely that a man find meaning and value in his work. I don’t take this as a negative thing that God is saying to Adam. He is just saying, “You will have to work, work will be hard,” and possibly, “You won’t like everything you do for work.” I work diligently with man to find value and meaning in their work, not just work. Again, I’m not suggesting you have to trust the Bible, believe in God, or anything of the like, but rather consider that these statements might have some philosophical and ultimately psychological value in them

Let us muse about what might be the positive aspect of “looking to the woman.” I can say this at a very personal level: Deb has been of immense help in my understanding myself and become a better man over our nearly 50 years. I didn’t listen as much to her observations and suggestions when I was younger, but now that we have both matured, I find it rare that she is actually wrong in what she sees, says, or suggests. Could it be that women are particularly gifted in seeing things about us that we can’t see, or perhaps won’t see for some reason? I think so. So, let’s consider that there is something very positive about a woman “looking to the man.” Maybe we could even consider this a gender-based gift (apologies to the LGBTQ gang). Could it be that, truly, women see things about us that we don’t see, perhaps cannot see? If that is the case, we just might have a real pearl of wisdom that men and women could use in their relationships. Simply put (possibly), the woman sees what the man can’t see. She has a special gift in this “seeing” that he does not have. (We won’t consider the opposite, that the man sees something in the woman.) How might she use this gift? For people interested, there are several passages in the Bible, both in the Christian Scriptures and in the Hebrew Scriptures that suggest such a thing. The Syro-Phoenician woman in the New Testament, and Ruth and several others in the Old Testament. But this is for another study because there are many rich things in sacred Scriptures and a bit of garbage.

How to “look to the man” for women and how “to be seen” for men

For the woman:

  1. Look first at his strengths, his abilities, and his successes. It is too easy for all of us, men and women, to fall into seeing what is wrong rather than what is right.
  2. Dare to comment on these things, even the simple things, like if he washes the dishes, cares for the lawn, plays with the kids, or goes to work.
  3. Carefully listen to what he says about work, friends, work, recreation, relationships, and moist of his felt responsibilities. Do you your best to not offer suggestions or interpretations.
  4. Wisely, examine what ails him, from your perspective, from his, and very carefully from other people.
  5. Avoid the danger of complaining about him to any other person, especially women.
  6. Ask him if you can say something about what you feel. If he declines, let it be for another day and hope that he might bring it up. Never say anything twice.
  7. Tell him how you feel seeing strengths and such. Tell him how you feel seeing limitations and difficulties. When you “tell him how you feel,” speak about yourself, your love, your joy, your disappointment, and your hope

For the man:

  1. Carefully listen to what she says about you. She’s probably right. She may not be graceful in her presentation and she may sound critical, but she is doing her best. No one taught her how to talk to a man, especially about feelings and thoughts.
  2. When you are hurt by what she says, note it, speak it if you can, or perhaps speak about it at another time.
  3. Avoid at all costs anger. This sounds impossible but it is possible…and necessary. Women don’t understand that we have been hurt when we express anger.
  4. Begin to tell her how you feel. You won’t be good at this.
  5. Ask of her some restraint in interpreting, challenging, and disagreeing with your feelings. Know that your feelings are never wrong. The words are often so.
  6. Sometimes, just listen, and say nothing. Then, maybe, say something later.
  7. You can both get better at this.

I Don’t Like My Kid

Ron Johnson Children, emotional maturity, family, Feelings, marital, relationships, Self-Awareness, social esteem

“I don’t like my kid.” This statement must sound outrageous. It certainly isn’t something that should be said frivolously or even teasingly. It most certainly shouldn’t be said to any child. It might, however, be a statement that could be said to a confidant who could be of some help understanding and dealing with not liking a child. We hear these statements rather frequently from people who come to us seeking some guidance with dealing with their children. More regularly, however, we hear statements of dislike for some member of one’s family, be it child, spouse, or extended family member. Let me give you some examples of the reasons people feel these things and feel safety saying them to us in confidence. Secondly, I would like to provide some reasons for why people don’t actually like people in their families, how liking and loving are often quite disparate, and thirdly, how people might handle such feelings.

Before we get to examples, causes, and cures, I should mention that people don’t readily make such statements about their family members. Rather, they tend to simply complain about them. With a few exceptions most people come to therapists with complaints about people in their lives, very often their spouses, parents, or children, and sometimes their bosses or colleagues at work. It is always a challenge to help people understand their feelings of dislike, which is usually based on some kind of loss and concomitant hurt, but it can take months or years, if ever, for people to see their own feelings. It is hardest for people to admit that they don’t like their children, which is where we will start.

Disliking children

Consider the following stories of children that we have heard (all identifying information adjusted retaining the essence of the complaint:

  • Child has molested several other children. The church the family used to attend has not allowed them to return to church, at least with this child. School has been on the alert because of the possibility of his molesting other children. He has been tested as intellectually functioning several years below his physical age
  • Child of nine tends to throw a fit when he doesn’t get his way, yelling and screaming, often breaking things, and rolling on the floor. He is actually quite bright and has been tested as being intellectually far ahead of his physical years
  • Child is almost completely nonverbal with anything he thinks and feels. He can be satisfactorily in his room playing on his computer for hours. He does not respond to questions or statements.
  • Child steals food, so much so that her parents have had to put a lock on the fridge door and pantry to keep her from stealing food.
  • Child frequently stops up the toilet with his feces and refused to deal with it. Often, he has left the toilet bowl full without telling anyone. Once, he tried to plunge the toilet without success and then used several towels to clean up the mess before hiding the dirty towels in a closet only to be found several days later by a parent.
  • Child is routinely dishonest, even about very small things, so much so that she can be trusted in any way. She might lie about what she did in school, what she likes, where she went, or what she feels.

None of these children is intrinsically likable although understandably, it is hard for a parent to admit they don’t like these children despite their tendency to yell at them, demean them, punish them, and complain to us about them. We have found it helpful to help parents of difficult children to admit that they “don’t like them.” Then, this disliking tends to decrease in intensity and duration and be replaced with not liking something about the kid, perhaps most things. This can lead to appropriate encouraging and challenging children who need both. Importantly, we do not suggest saying, “I love you but I don’t like what you do” because a child cannot really distinguish between what s/he does and what s/he is.

Dislike other family members

  • Man and wife couple. I regularly do an intake assessment on a couple in which I initially meet with the couple to hear what their concern is, then meet with each partner separately to gather a social history and make clinical observations, this followed by extensive psychological testing and then an interpretative session with both of them present. The couple in my mind is one where during my session with the wife, she demanded that she spend an hour talking singularly about what she determined was wrong about her husband, and wanted to continue for a second hour.
  • Other couples. With few exceptions all couples complain about one another taking the forms of feeling neglected or registering complaints about the spouse
  • Extended family members. This is very common, like the mother-in-law who isn’t liked, the father-in-law who intrudes on the family all time, the alcoholic family member, or perhaps just the family member who has a substantially different political or religious persuasion. These days, many people separate from extended family because one member loves Trump or hates Trump together with all that goes with these loves and hates.
  • A sister who alleged that her brother molested her when she was a child. This woman later admitted that it was their father who molested her, not the brother, but she hasn’t had the wisdom and courage to apologize for her allegation
  • A woman who has totally separated herself from her biological family bringing a good deal of hurt and misunderstanding to her family members. Many people have been in the same situation where one child is molested and damaged while another child is favored in the family making two people being raised in “completely different families.”

You didn’t have any choice to what family you were born. You do have a choice with whom you make friends., Certain family members may not be ones you choose as friends. Then you might find a way to keep a safe distance from family member you don’t particularly like. It is never helpful to tell family members that you don’t them, and even worse to act out your dislike of them by choosing to be with them more than you want to.

So, what are the things that have caused a person to dislike a family member, and what can be done about it? Let’s first look at the causes of disliking a family member.

Causes of disliking a family member

  • Simple, if also profound differences in persuasion, values, and beliefs
  • Projection of other people you dislike who are of a similar persuasion
  • Long-term dislike that has not been seen and expressed, much less resolved
  • Outrageous behavior that you have tolerated but not effectively tolerated
  • A genuine impediment in the other person, such as intellectual, physical, or emotional that has implications for how the person engages the social world
  • Envy of the other person, perhaps that s/he has something or has had opportunities that you haven’t had
  • You love the person, perhaps deeply, even though you don’t like him/her. This is something that Deb and I deal with all the time. Love is blind, so the saying goes, but liking or disliking is not blind. So, we end up with blind spots that are related to the people we love.

Dealing with not liking someone in your family

  • Admit to it: first to yourself and find a way to accept the fact that you may, indeed, love someone, perhaps very deeply, whom you don’t like.
  • Differentiate what you like from what you don’t like. You may discover that there is a lot more that you like than what you dislike but you have fallen prey to thinking that you have to like everything about someone.
  • Admit to at least one other person that you don’t like, not the person him/herself; perhaps a close confident or a therapist
  • Find a way to carefully distance yourself from this person. You may never need to deal with the disliking, but you can keep a safe distance so the dislike doesn’t turn into hate or disgust, much less your saying something untoward
  • Keep a safe distance, which may in terms of geography, frequency of contacts, and intensity of contacts. You may never really be able to particularly like certain family members but you can love them…at a safe distance.
  • Not liking spouse is a case in its own because ideally one’s spouse or life’s partner should be a friend first, a lover second, and a partner third. Many romantic relationships begin with love and sex first and then partnership but never friendship. Making friends with a spouse is a real challenge, especially if you have been unhappy with him/her for a long time and have been tolerating them.

The more you admit to not liking someone, the less the not liking will dominate your feeling and the more you might just be able to love the person more as the not liking shrinks.

 

 

 

Good Men to Great Men

Ron Johnson Development, emotional maturity, men's issues, Opportunity, Self-Awareness, social esteem, Spiritual

In my work with men I have found myself telling men that they are “good men” but not great men. I have been pleasantly surprised how this phraseology has resonated with men. Somehow, they seem to understand that, however good they are, they can be great. In this blog I will attempt to discuss “goodness” in men, potential “greatness”, what these words mean, and how men some men achieve greatness, and how men have achieved greatness. I apologize for my attention to men in this regard of goodness and greatness as I mean no disservice to women but rather to honor my understanding of men. I leave it to others to examine this matter for women. Please allow me to use the masculine pronoun most of the time.

What is “goodness” in men

The word goodness, like so many other important words in the psychological dictionary, is undefined. Don’t be concerned. In my mind, the most important aspects of psychology are undefined, like the terms love, truth, and even God. Furthermore, the basic ingredients of physics, time, distance, and mass, are also undefined. We understand something that is undefined by observing it the way we observe time or love, not in a rigid definition of such things. Goodness is like that: we know it when we feel it and we know it when we see it.

Having said that goodness is undefined, we can look at some ingredients and results of goodness. The basic ingredient of being goodness in a person is the result of that person having a good sense of self. Oops, we’ve used another undefined term, but hopefully you can ride with me on this one because the concept of self is pretty basic to psychological functioning. While it is undefined, self refers to the essence of a person, which might be called spirit or soul. Importantly, a person with basic goodness has a sense of his/her “self” (or soul, or spirit). Importantly, if I have a sense of self, I will have a sense that there is something good inside of me. This goodness is something like feeling a kind of perfection in me. This feeling of goodness or self is not the same as perfect speech or activity, both of which are often imperfect, just as the words I am writing this very moment are imperfect. A person with a sense of goodness knows, perhaps without words, that inside of him/her there is a kind of perfect something. We call it self.

Beyond feeling this goodness, good people do good things and say good things. In other words, their goodness is reflected in what they say or do. The saying or doing good things is not the core of goodness but rather the result of goodness. In fact, the more a person feels his/her inner goodness, the more they will say and do good things.

I often speak to men about their basic goodness, or they’re being “a good person” or sometimes “a very good person.” Having said that, I often suggest to the man that however good they are, they can be great. What does that mean?

Greatness

Greatness is another undefined term that you can understand and use by seeing the result of greatness. Basically, and importantly, greatness is achieved when a person (a good person to start) has got beyond himself. This is tricky to explain because I suggested that goodness is achieved when a person knows himself and accepts himself. Greatness can only be achieved after a man (or person) has this sense of the goodness of his soul and the understanding that his self (soul, spirit) is perfect in its basic construction. When a person has this feeling of goodness and inner perfection, he is then finds a way to move beyond self. Moving beyond self does not mean that you abandon yourself, but rather that you use your self/soul/spirit in some kind of way that I define as great.

Greatness is usually demonstrated by some kind of activity that helps humankind in some way. This can be creating a masterful piece of art, solving the problem of nuclear fusion, writing a book, or finding a way to make trash collecting more efficient and productive, both for the workers and for the customers who choose to recycle. There are many other forms of greatness that might now actually show on the surface. A great person may devote his life entirely to parenting an impaired child or in some kind of volunteer work. The key in all of this is what I call a feeling, “This is not about me. It is about serving the world in some way.”

Understandably, the result do greatness may be fame and fortune but for the truly great person neither of these is important. Very important, however, is for the good-to-great person to overcome anger and fear. A good example of a great person is that he is not worried at all about what people think of him because his focus is on being great and doing something great. This is very hard to achieve as most men are too quick to anger and many hold a deep-seated fear that shows itself directly in anxiety or indirectly in addiction and avoidance.

Some examples

These are real men but their names and stations in life have been altered to protect their privacy.

  • Jack is a semi-retired broker who is probably a millionaire or more. He has always been hard-working, honest, and faithful to his wife. He has had an inclination to anger and a kind of sexual addiction that showed itself in undue sexual pressure with his wife. Greatness for Jack, as I told him, would be to overcome anger entirely, treat his wife with respect. He appears to be quite demanding as he has been in charge of all of his life, his wife, his kids, and his work all his life. And, oh, by the way, not to give in to her.
  • Sam is a pastor, a truly good man who has served in the ministry for 50 plus years, quite successfully. He has had a financial problem that has plagued him all his wife shown most specifically in his having been unable to say “no” to his wife. He also has suffered low self-esteem that no one knows but me (and now his wife), which led to his intense fear of hurting his wife and having her disappointed in him. Greatness for Sam would be to be true to himself, honest, and slowly erase the feeling that something is wrong with him.
  • Peter is a retired police officer who served his community for decades, lastly as chief of police. He has fallen into a tendency to be irritable and not particularly honest about his medical/physical life. Greatness for Peter is to be honest, first with himself and then with his wife. Then he would be able to transfer some his former greatness into his new life, which is not family, kids, grandkids, and perhaps other activities.
  • Brad is a successful businessman but had a lifelong tendency to be angry after trying hard to achieve harmony. In fact, when he can’t find harmony, he explodes, a phenomenon that is quite common among harmony-based people. Greatness for him is to reduce anger entirely, develop a better self-esteem and acceptance of his limitations and mistakes. Then he would need to deal effectively with his wife who, sadly, like many wives, is often critical of him.
  • Tom is quite bright, achieved a master’s degree in his chosen profession but has been unsuccessful in his profession and in all of his relationships. His goodness is composed of intelligence, integrity, truth, and good work. His downfall is the feeling that he has to be perfect so he is harder on himself than anyone else. He has been fired several times because of his intransigence. First, he has to find his basic goodness, that followed by finding a way to enter his profession and succeed so that he can better the world.

Find your goodness. Find your inner perfection. Get some help to do that. Then you will be able to feel so good about yourself that you forget about yourself. Then you are a great man.