We’ve been hearing about the contagious aspect of the coronavirus. So, we’re invited to be careful with what we touch, smell, taste, and breathe. There is great debate, however, as to how serious this epidemic is, as well as how to engage in these practices, if we even choose to do so. In this blog I will not be advising on this matter primarily because I am not an expert in such matters, but more importantly, because I have my opinion on this matter, which is not particularly informed. What I would like to discuss, however, is the “contagious” aspect of things psychological, which are many.
There have been some very interesting studies of how there is some kind of “connection” between all things, something appears to be a central aspect of the physical universe, whether how planets are connected, how atoms are connected, or how plants and animals are connected. There have been some fascinating studies showing how people are connected to one another in mysterious ways. An interesting study occurred some years ago in a woman’s college dormitory. The researchers found that after a semester of living together these college women tended to menstruate at the same time. There have been other studies about this component of how we connect to one another, which is clearly beyond any kind of conscious control. I will leave this discussion to people more familiar with such things. I will note only one of many examples of how people are connected in this mysterious way.
The essence of “things psychological” is what I choose to call “feelings.” Everything that people feel has an effect on at least some people, often many people. Furthermore, the more intimate the relationship you have with someone, the more inclined you are to “catch” something psychological. You can catch someone’s feeling most easily, his/her actions moderately, and even their thoughts to some degree. I want to focus primarily on how you “catch” people’s feelings. When I use the word “feeling,” realize that I am not talking specifically about emotions. I have written a number of blogs of feelings that might be valuable to peruse. Deb and I have written a book that summarizes our thoughts about feelings and which we entitle I Need to Tell You How I Feel. We describe feelings as the first expression of one’s soul/spirit/core. These “feelings” erupt sequentially physically, then emotionally, then cognitively, and then in activity. People tend to experience their feelings in one of these categories first, and then express them in that category or another category. So, for instance, I experience feelings first emotionally and then actively. I other words I feel something emotionally as an expression of my “feelings” and then do something. You’ll have to read the book to understand this more, if you choose. You tend to “catch” someone’s feelings by simply being around someone, the closer you are, the more impact that person’s feelings will have on you. My current task is to suggest how someone else’s feelings affect you, whether they are what the person feels physically, emotionally, cognitively, or in action.
Someone’s physical feelings can be contagious. If someone has a stomachache, you will feel something in your stomach, which may not be an ache, but it could be a kind of agitation. If someone is “all smiles,” you will “catch” the feeling under the smile and feel accordingly. This smile may be a Duchenne smile, which is artificial, or a more genuine smile, which is a reflection of someone’s joyous feeling. If someone is Italian-like in her use of hand gestures, you will be “caught up” in her feeling, whether anger, joy, sadness, or fear. If the person is quite overweight or underweight, you will be affected by that person’s physical appearance; likewise, you might be caught by one’s physical beauty or unique physical posture. A brilliant therapist named Milton Erickson used a technique in therapy where he mirrored a patient’s physical posture to “feel like” the patient felt.
Someone’s emotional feelings can be contagious. This is rather obvious. If the person is sad, you will feel sad; likewise, if the person feels joy, fear, or anger, you will catch these emotions and feel them yourself. Deb and I have to be quite aware of this phenomenon in therapy so as to be aware when we feel something emotionally with a patient. Sometimes, we actually feel what the other person feels emotionally before he or she notices what they feel. We had an unexpected visit from a friend to our house recently. When this man left our house, Deb noted that she felt a bit down in spirit even though she had even feeling great before this visitor came in. She reflected on the phenomenon on her feeling a bit distressed and concluded that she had “caught” the feeling of depression that this guy was feeling. I worked with a physical trainer for a couple of months some time ago, but every time I left the gym, I felt “less than good,” something akin to feeling down, but it was more like an irritation. I reflected on my emotion and determined that I had “caught” some of the trainer’s rather obvious tendency to be critical and angry. I stopped going, and felt good about that decision even though I learned quite a bit good in my few meetings with him.
Someone’s thoughts can be contagious. This could be one’s “opinions” about some topic, like the current epidemic of coronavirus or about some political figure in the public. Opinions are rarely without emotion, so this example may be a mixture of emotion and thought. Note, however, that when you hear someone speaking, whether an erudite professor or just the guy next door, you will have a “feeling” about that. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with him or not, you will have a feeling when he expresses his feelings even though these feelings are expressed in facts and figures. I had such a feeling yesterday morning in church when the pastor spent a fair bit of time discussing the coronavirus giving facts and figures.
Someone’s actions can be contagious. Have you ever been around someone who is always on the go, always doing something always busy? You catch the feeling of doing. Likewise, if you’re around someone who doesn’t do much, perhaps just sits and stares, you catch this person’s feeling. Then, you might feel compelled to do as much as your friend is doing, or react against doing anything at all. We happen to be now involved with a family member who is of the latter category, and it is a chore to note how I feel around this individual and not catch too much of his apathy. I cannot avoid catching the feeling, but I can be aware of the contagion and work to keep my distance.
In all of these circumstances, the key is to know how you feel around someone else, whether physical, emotional, cognitive, or active. If you are aware of the feeling that is stirred in you, you have control of this feeling. If you are not aware of it, you will begin to feel what the other person feels and be caught in it. Then, you can stay caught, react to being caught, or simply control how you feel so as not to be drawn into a fruitless conversation, which always turns to an argument. The key is to stay aware of your feelings.