Look at what you tend to do over and over again. These would be things that you tend to be good at. This would cover a whole range of things like,

• Talking easily
• Staying quiet easily
• Working easily
• Resting easily
• Eating easily
• Not eating easily
• Taking things as they are
• Questioning why things are the way they are
• Keeping things in order
• Not worrying about ordering things

Note which of these things tends to be how you act. Now consider which of these things you were taught in your family and which things you learned on your own. Maybe, your family was very extraverted where everyone spoke how they felt and what they thought without much reservation. Maybe, your family was more introverted where everyone tended to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves.

Implicit in this discussion of the study of nurture and nature, i.e. what we have by our own nature, meaning personality and behavior, cf, what we learn from our environment. In this study I want to focus on the nurture part of this discussion, namely what we learned in our early lives, particularly in our families of origin, and perhaps secondarily from other sources, like extended family members, coaches, teachers, clergy, or good friends. And, you might have learned something all on your own looking at your own successes and failures. Regardless of how you learned and what you learned, you are somewhat a product of this early learning (in addition to what is genetically natural for you, which is out of this discussion as I noted).

In this brief discussion I want to consider the following:

• What we learned
• What has been good about what we learned
• What has been less than good about what we learned
• How we can continue to use what we learned, stop using it, or make an adjustment to it

What we learned

I learned many things in my family including:

• Extraversion, i.e. speaking how I felt and thought
• Doing, i.e. working and playing
• Joking
• Academic success
• Athletic experience

Consider what you learned. You will discover that you learned things because:

• They were common (in your family)
• They were common in your environment (neighborhood, school, country)
• They were expected of you
• They were fun
• They were interesting
• They were necessary

While common, fun, and interesting are all important ways of learning, I want to focus on the fact that many things that we learned were necessary. Things that are necessary are things that make me feel safe or keep me safe. This “safety” may be physical, emotional, or relational. So, it was safe for me to express myself in my very extraverted family. It might not have been safe for you to do so. In that case, you might have learned to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, which would be safer than expressing them and receiving some kind of challenge or criticism.

Many things that we learned in childhood did, indeed, keep us safe. They were necessary if we were to be accepted, liked, praised, or loved. You might have felt safe and loved in your family because you expressed yourself or because you didn’t express yourself. Safety is the most basic element of life. Everything else comes in second, like fun, school, religion, and other kinds of learning. If I don’t feel safe, nothing really works very well. I have previously written about the centrality of safety noting that is one of the two things that our brains do for us, the other being pleasure-seeking.

The interesting thing about learning to do things that keep us safe in childhood may not, in fact, keep us safe in adulthood. Additionally, things that kept us safe (and possibly loved) when we were young, might actually create a lack of safety in our current lives. The essence of this phenomenon is this: what was one a necessary and valuable thing in our lives might now actually not be necessary and possibly harmful in our adult lives.

What was good about what we learned

I learned that it was “good” to speak my mind among other things. It was good because I was liked and possibly loved more because of my expressions. You may have learned that it was good for you not to speak your mind. You have been in a family that was naturally introverted and did not enjoy hearing other people’s thoughts and feelings, You might have been in a family that was abusive, so you found it valuable to keep to yourself out of safety.

I was raised in a fun-loving and pleasure-seeking family. Work was second. You may have been raised in a family where such things were seen as trivial, unlikable, or even despicable. If so, you learned to tolerate life more than enjoy it because it was safer to just work or stay out of the way when others were working.

I was raised in a family that expected me to do well in school and go to college. It wasn’t even an option to consider entering the world of work at 18 or even join the Army. You may have been raised in a family where academics were not primary, where work may have been more primary. Rading was important in my family leading to my brother being an avid reader; I came along later in adolescence. Maybe reading was seen as trivial in your family or just silly compared to something else like sports, TV, or camping.

You might have had the experience of having been in a family where music, art, religion, or philosophy was important. This would lead you to study such things. Or maybe you were raised in a family where such things were not valuable, leading you away from such things to possibly believe that they were not important.

Many people are raised in hard-working families where work, usually hands-on work, was most important. I know of a man whose family was disappointed in his becoming a lawyer because everyone else was a doctor. He did his best to follow their desires but just couldn’t find a way to enjoy medicine and surgery. My dad was expected to be a doctor.

What was less than good about what we learned

Let me start with me:

• I tend to talk too much, express my thoughts and feelings too much, and in so doing offend or bore people. Furthermore, I end up getting a lot of criticism for what I say, more than is profitable
• I have never been a disciplined person. I tended to value freedom, spontaneity, and fun more than getting things done in an orderly fashion.
• I tend to work too much, both physically and intellectually. This may have led to a heart attack I suffered 4 years ago

Consider what you learned to do or say that may not be so good in your present life:

• Talk too much; don’t talk enough
• Express your feelings too much or not enough
• Work too hard or not enough
• Play too much or not enough

Then there are other downsides to what you learned as necessary as a child: perhaps you became addicted to something

• A man recently told me that he was left alone for many hours and only had screen time (play and watching), which has led to his having a cell-phone addiction
• A man was raised in a a family where the dad always got drunk at night. This man has followed suit
• A woman learned to keep her feelings to herself and tolerate a very dysfunctional family. Now, she, at 80, is almost unable to express her feelings and tolerates much of life
• Another woman learned to get angry to get her way. This tendency has spilled into her romantic relationship where she blows up too easily and frequently despite her high intelligence and good character
• Some people have sadly learned to successfully lie or steal. They did this to survive in their family and culture. Unfortunately, they got good at it and kept doing it.
• Some people were raised in very strict religious families, leading them to be rigid in their own faith or give up on faith altogether.

Using, abandoning, or adjusting what we learned

In summary: see it, accept it, value it and discover what to do with it.

See it: see that you talk too much or too little, work too much or too little, etc. Just see it.

Value it: see that this behavior was good for you as a child. It was necessary for you to survive, be liked, or be loved.

Discover if this is yet valuable, harmful, or partly valuable. Then you can decide how to alter your behavior.

Bit beware: this thing used to be necessary. Your brain might still think this is still necessary, or perhaps just fun or easy. If you make an adjustment, you will be fighting your brain on this, not your mind. Remember: your brain only knows safety and pleasure. Your brain will fight you changing anything.

Good luck