Narcissism. We’ve heard a lot about this term recently. It has become a favorite diagnostic term that people have used when they talk about some of their family members. Thus, it belongs in the commonly used terms as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and autism. We believe that these terms have been way overly used and very often used without understanding of what these diagnoses really are. We have heard people say, “My husband is very bipolar.” There is no such thing as “very bipolar;” in fact, bipolarity is quite rare. People who seemingly “swing” in their moods from happy to angry are usually not bipolar. Rather, they have not grown up emotionally in order to value, manage, and carefully express their thoughts and feelings. Likewise, all these other “popular” diagnoses, like depression, ADHD, and autism are used indiscriminately and without understanding the difference between someone who is not emotionally mature and someone who truly has a mental health diagnosis.

Recently, we have heard of the diagnosis of “narcissistic personality disorder,” which should be seen as a serious diagnosis or allegation put on someone you might not like. This is actually a formal diagnosis of one of the several personality disorders in our formal diagnostic manual (DSM-5). Importantly, we feel compelled to a deeper understanding of narcissism in its various forms. In this blog we will discuss natural narcissism and pathological narcissism as well as ways to find, face, and effectively deal with narcissism in its various forms. We wrote a chapter in a book series some years ago where we presented our understanding of narcissism. Let’s start our discussion with an understanding of where narcissism begins.

Natural narcissism

It might seem odd to use the term, “natural narcissism” or the title of this blog, “good narcissism,” but these are actual terms that we must use in order to understand narcissism and a way to deal with it in our friends, family, and ourselves. First, we must actually define what narcissism is: narcissism is a nearly complete focus on oneself without regard to other people. You might ask, “How could this ever be “natural” or “good?” It is good, in fact, it is absolutely necessary to be naturally narcissistic when I am an infant. I need to think exclusively about myself and my welfare because if I don’t, I will die. I need to cry when I am in need of nourishment, comfort, or some kind of assistance, like changing my diaper. The way I naturally express this narcissism is to cry when I feel some kind of distress, like hunger or discomfort. As an infant, I do not have the capacity of understanding anything about anyone else. I am solely and necessarily narcissistic, meaning that my needs are predominant. If I do not have this natural narcissism, I won’t cry, I won’t be fed, and I will die. So, we can see that the origin of narcissism is this feeling that my needs are not only the most important thing for me: they are the only thing. An important way of understanding natural infantile narcissism is that it keeps me alive. Furthermore, infants do not distinguish between their wants and needs because their wants = their needs. They don’t just want to eat; they need to eat,

As I move through the years of early childhood, I move slowly away from thinking and feeling that my wants = my needs. In toddlerhood, roughly 1-3, I begin to see that the world is interesting and I want to explore the world. It comes as a kind of surprise to me that my parent is upset with me just because I spilled my milk on the floor or dirtied my diaper for the third time in an hour. Toddlerhood is a difficult time for toddlers because they have to get used to not getting everything they want. And these couple of years are not less difficult for parents who might actually be trying to fix dinner or get dressed when the toddler simply wants to play hide and seek. Nevertheless, most toddlers seem to get through these years relatively unscathed. Those who don’t are usually infants who are neglected to a serious degree, possibly because of an impaired parent or a parent who has to leave the infant alone for long periods of time.

The next three years, approximately 3-6 are usually the most difficult years for young children and equally so for their parents. These are years when young children run right into the fact that they can’t have everything they want. And it is a terrible fact for these children. They sort of think (not really thinking, more feeling) they something is terribly wrong with the world, or worse yet, something is terribly wrong with them because they aren’t getting what they want, which they still feel as what they need. Understandably, it is just as hard for parents for parents who are daily, if not hourly, confronted with their child’s natural narcissism that is every so slowly being chipped away with the realization that there are other people in the world who have wants and needs. If a child gets through these years relatively unscathed, he or she develops a sense of self, which is a combination of getting what they want and not getting what they want. Ideally, children get enough of what they want to nourish their sense of self to feel confident in the world. This doesn’t always happen. In fact, it never happens perfectly.

Parents tend to deal with pre-school children (ages 3-6) with indulgence or neglect, or worse yet, a combination of these two. Indulged children get more of what they want than what they actually need. Neglected children do not get enough of what they want. Indulged children thus enter middle childhood, and possibly into adolescence and adulthood, thinking they should get most of what they want. They have what seems to be an inflated ego, which just means that they have not passed through natural narcissism of infancy into moderated narcissism of the pre-school years. In a sense, they have not developed a true understanding that they are part of a family, a community, a country, and a world where they get some of what they want but not all of it. Children who have been neglected, have been scolded for wanting and have not developed a good sense of self, and hence confidence. Either of these two possibilities leads to narcissism in different forms: one in the way of being demanding and one being passive and yielding. Both forms of narcissism lead to unsatisfying lives: one gets too much and is never satisfied, while one doesn’t get enough and is likewise unsatisfied.

Adult narcissism

We usually attribute the diagnosis of narcissism to people who are demanding and selfish, but we should also note that there is a more subtle form of narcissism in passiveness. You feel this kind of narcissism when you are around someone who is seemingly kind and generous but somehow you feel uncomfortable with this person. You might feel a kind of tug on you, namely that you should somehow give something to this person. This is passive narcissism in the adult, and there are just as many passive narcissist people as there are active narcissistic people.

The more visible kind of narcissism shows itself in what can simply be described as selfishness. Such people are always looking to serve themselves, get served by someone else, and in so doing, look to the world to satisfy their wants, not just their needs. They have not fully distinguished their wants and needs. Furthermore, and very importantly, these people actually cause narcissism in other people. When a leader speaks words that suggest that you can have everything you want, you may get sucked into thinking that he or she is right: you deserve to get what you want. Leaders can be religious, political, professional, or even academic. You need to protect yourself from the various forms of narcissism, the largest one being in the company of someone wants all your attention or perhaps all of your money. You also need to protect yourself from the contagion of narcissism getting you thinking you should have everything you want,

The essence of narcissism that we see in adults is a form, quite simply, of not growing up. These people have not properly and effectively passed through the pre-school years where they learn that they can’t get everything they want, into the elementary school years where they must find ways of giving and receiving, which means getting some of what you want while helping other people also get some of what they want.

So, how should we deal with narcissism when we encounter it

Facing, understanding, and preventing narcissism

The first thing we do when we try to help our patients in life is to: find, face, feel, and finish the feelings associated with whatever is bothering them. This often means facing the traumata of their early lives. Sometimes, it means facing the challenges of their current lives. Sometimes, it means taking some kind of action. The key is facing these things. We sometimes use the 60’s expression, “If you can name it, you can claim it.” Naming narcissism can be a good way to face it and protect yourself from someone who is narcissistic. It can also be a good way to prevent it from entering your psychic system. But there is more than facing it and naming it. You have to know what you feel when you see it in someone or in yourself,

Know what you feel means this: know what you feel physically and know what you feel emotionally. If you are around a narcissistic person, you will feel queasy in your stomach or emotionally anxious or angry. These are the early symptoms that the person in front of you is seeking to get more than he or she deserves. You feel the pressure to give something to this person even though you might not really want to give it. Note this feeling, resist the tendency to give in and take the consequences. The consequences might actually be that this person is quite dissatisfied with your or angry with you because they didn’t get what they thought you should give them. In this case, you are being the limiting parent that your friend didn’t have in their pre-school years, and they don’t like you. This is the consequence of facing narcissism straight on. Importantly, you can’t tell the person that they are narcissistic. That would be even worse, both for you and for the other person. So, keep these diagnostic terms to yourself and just keep resisting the tendency to give too much.

There is in our current life a good deal of narcissism from our leaders, namely those who suggest that they should have everything they want and that everyone can have everything that they want. If you feel this kind of repressive narcissism from a leader, whether that is an older parent, a friend, a community leader, or a political leader, watch that you not catch the anger or fear that is always under narcissism. The narcissistic person is afraid that they will not get what they want and then angry when they don’t get what they want. These are not your feelings. Don’t let them find their way into your mind.

Further Reading

Brock, D. and Johnson, R. (2011). “Narcissism as evil.” In Explaining evil, Vol. 1: definitions and development, J.H. Ellens, Editor. Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger.

Kernberg, O. (1979). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism, New York: Jason Aronson,

Lowen, A. (1983). Narcissism: denial of the true self. New York: MacMillan.

Mahler, S, Pine, F. and Bergman, A. (1073). The psychological birth of the human infant: symbiosis and individuation. New York: Basic Books