You’ve heard people say something like, “I’d rather die than…” followed by something that they abhorred. Maybe, they hate tomatoes and would “rather die” than eat them, which would be true of my grandson. Or maybe, the person would find it abhorrent to own a green car or watch a football game on TV. We generally understand that the expression, “I’d rather die than…” means that the person really dislikes something. He or she wouldn’t really prefer to die than to eat tomatoes or watch football. Emotional expressions like that are just typically said in order to give flavor to one’s dislikes.

Knowing that “I’d rather die…” doesn’t really generally mean that the person would rather die than do something, I have heard many people actually say these words in earnest. Odd as it sounds, many people would, indeed, rather die than do something. Sometimes the thing that they’d rather not do is live.

People who feel that they would rather die than do something:

• A pastor’s wife who “would rather die” than admit to anyone that she has not been aware of the financial situation that her husband and she find themselves in.
• The pastor who “would rather tie” than go bankrupt.
• A man who “would rather die” than go through the near-death experience of Covid that he had.
• A man who would “rather die” than give up his addiction to gambling. And another man who would prefer dying to giving up his promiscuity; another who can’t give his addiction to alcohol; another with heroin; and many more behavioral or chemical addictions.
• A man who would “rather die” than end a profoundly unhappy marriage
• A man who would “rather die” than give up his righteous indignation towards someone who contributed to his son’s death

There are many more people who “would rather die” than do something, do without something, have something, give something up, change their lives in some way, accept the world the way it is, or accept the way they are. We have recently heard of some of the individuals who participated in the December 6, 2001 riot who were fully prepared to “die if necessary” for the sake of what they believed. Likewise, we have heard of many terrorists who truly have chosen to die “for Allah” rather than live with a situation they found intolerable.

What are the causes of this very real preference to dying than living with something? Hopelessness, shame, and addiction.

Hopelessness: I don’t want to live

The pastor’s wife whom I noted above feels a profound hopelessness. Her life was shattered by the discovery that her husband had hid their deteriorating financial situation for years. It didn’t help that a primary cause of the choice he made was largely related to keeping her happy and avoiding her hurt and disappointment. The man who had Covid also was hit with his wife’s filing for divorce, and he really did not want to live when I first met him.

The two emotional ingredients of depression are helplessness and hopelessness. Many people who have these feelings, indeed, attempt suicide (usually men) or make suicidal attempts (usually women). More often, people who are depressed would just rather die than live. I encounter this feeling with many of the men I see in my practice, which has brought me to help these men admit that they would really rather not be alive even though they really do not want to die and certainly don’t want to suicide. Odd as it sounds, it often helps for me to help them admit this “don’t want to live” phenomenon clarifying it from wanting to die.

Many more people have the genuine feeling of “I’d rather die than….” They are feeling shame.

Shame: I don’t want to be seen

The pastor whom I noted above feels shame. He would truly rather die than admit publically to his financial dilemma. He has been a good and faithful person all his life but hasn’t had the courage and wisdom to manage his tendency to give too much to his wife and family, something that led to a heavy burden of debt from which he has seemingly no way to correct. How, you might ask, is he unwilling to go bankrupt given the opportunity that America gives people to get out of intolerable financial situations. Indeed, many people have been irresponsible with their finances, have not worked faithfully, and perhaps have acquired gambling debts. But no such situation confronts this man. He just can’t accept the “shame” that he would feel if anyone knew that he had made a mess of his finances, this despite the fact that he has generally and genuinely helped thousands of people in his ministry of nearly 60 years. He would rather die.

Many people suffer from the same malady: shame. What is shame? I suggest you read my previous blogs on shame and guilt for a more elaborate description of these two related, but also quite different phenomena. Guilt, or perhaps we call it real guilt, is the feeling of sadness one has for having said or done something wrong, perhaps hurtful or harmful to someone or to property. Guilt (real guilt) is thus valuable because it is the result of a person having an internal ethic that has been broken. Guilt of this kind can lead to self-improvement. Shame is quite different. Shame is fear-based, not sadness-based as is guilt, namely fear of other’s potential disapproval. Guilt leads to improvement; shame leads to hiding. This pastor is hiding from the potential disapproval of people, know or unknown. Often, when people feel shame, they are afraid of anyone knowing the error they made. Shame is never helpful.

Shame is the driving force behind the real “I’d rather die” phenomenon. It is a very powerful element in life and is not well understood, partly because we have such a shaming society. As bad as shame is in America, it is even worse in some countries and sub-cultures. Japan has a history of suicide that is related to one’s shame, which is usually related to shaming the family. Likewise, there is a shame factor in Latino society as I am able to detect, and seemingly underlying the Black community in many circumstances, but shame is nearly universal in humankind and a driving force for hiding, defending, or causing harm to other people.

While shame is the primary element in most “I’d rather die” phenomena, and hopelessness is the driving force in depression, another significant factor is with people who are addicted to something.

Addictions: I’d rather not give up my wat of life

Addictions are behavioral or chemical and sometimes both. Very often an individual is addicted to more than one element often combining a chemical with a behavioral addiction.

• Behavioral addictions include sexual activity, gambling, eating, buying, hoarding, working, playing, talking, never talking, athletics, and screen time among many other addictions. Screen time includes TV, video games, cell phones, and computers.
• Chemical addiction include alcohol, street drugs, prescription drugs, and eating. Note that eating is both a behavioral and a chemical addiction. Many people are addicted to so-called “bad” carbohydrates, like pure sugar, while others are addicted to salt or fat.

An addiction is generally understood to be a behavior, chemical or behavioral, where the individual has found something essentially good for him, which then became a good habit, and then became a “go to” phenomenon, meaning that he or she went to this behavior or chemical as a means of coping life. Other elements of addiction include a need for more of the substance or behavior for the same positive effect, attempts to hide the addiction, and then failed attempts to end or reduce the addiction.

I am not an expert in addictionology, but I do see people who “would rather die” than give up their addiction. Ever see people who weigh 300 pounds and wonder why they just don’t give up their excessive eating, or people who have had their seventh DUI but can’t stop drinking, or people who have been prosecuted for some sexual crime but continue with sexual promiscuity? All of these people are addicted to something and would rather die than change their behavior.

I there any solution for this problem of “I’d rather die than…”?

Wanting to live: an alternative to wanting to die

It would be great if I could just tell people things like, “You don’t really want to die,” “A lot of people would be hurt if you would die,” or “Just give up this thing and you will be happier.” But such statements never help. In fact, they may actually increase the person’s addiction, hopelessness, or shame. The first thing we must realize is that this “I’d rather die” is a real feeling. So, if you’re facing some kind of choice and “would rather die” than change, admit to your feeling. And, if you’re someone who is trying to help someone who feels such things, know that this is a very real feeling. Admitting to how I feel is a beginning, and in fact the essential ingredient to overcoming the “I’d rather die than…” feeling.

If you can admit to the feeling of “I’s rather die” feeling, you are well on the road to face the underlying phenomenon. The underlying phenomenon is always love lost, hurt, and unfinished sadness. In other words, you need to find, feel, face, and finish the loss you had in life. This loss might be the marriage you got into, the loss of the use of your right arm, the shame inflicted on you by a parent, your financial mistakes, or whatever you did…or didn’t do. Face the feeling. The feeling is always unfinished sadness. You probably need a good therapist to help you through this process.

If you can find, feel, and finish the sadness of your past, you will need to find a way to develop discipline in your life. You can’t go to discipline if you are still feeling shame, addictive coping, or depression. Discipline is doing what I don’t want to do in order to get to a place where I want to be. Discipline is not punishment. Discipline is not pleasant. Discipline is not fun. It is necessary. Unless you find some kind of discipline in your life, you have not gone far enough. Good psychology begins with feelings, leads to good thinking, and then leads to meaningful action.