“It is the best of times. It is the worst of times,” to quote Charles Dickens as he penned the beginning of A Tale of Two Cities. The best and worst times for men have to do with responsibility, or we might say “their responsibilities,” namely how they face responsibility (or responsibilities), understand responsibility, and how they respond to it. Responsibilities give men a great sense of accomplishment, give them self-esteem, give them an opportunity to serve their families, communities, and the world. This is the best of times. Responsibilities can also be the worst of times as they can cause tremendous anxiety for men, and then this anxiety can migrate into the three challenges men have: avoidance, anger, and addiction. Note that my primary comments have to do with men, as the helping of men mature is the passion of my life. Allow me to start by identifying several men (identifying information adjusted for the purpose of maintaining privacy) who demonstrate various ways of facing their responsibilities in life.
- Jack: Jack is in his mid-thirties, bright, a college graduate, and a man of good character. Sadly, however, Jack hasn’t done anything of significance if life to date and there seems to be no realistic path ahead for Jack. He has fallen into mild to moderate depression with interludes of mild excitement and hope. Perhaps, the most interesting thing about Jack is that he really wants to be President of the United States. He admits that he has no idea of what he would do as President, to say nothing of how he might get elected, but he feels a deep passion to do something great. He also talks about being some kind of hero, in the likes of a “superhero”, but again doesn’t know how he might become a hero. I attempted to help him with something practical, like maybe getting job flipping hamburgers, but I have abandoned any and all such suggestions because they fall on deaf ears.
- Ben: Ben is over 80 and has been a pastor for nearly 60 years. He has been successfully married, raised three successful children, and served many churches over these years as well as being in a supervisory role for many years sometime back. He is well liked and well respected by all who know him, from what I can determine. Like, Jack, he is bright, a man of good character, and has several advanced degrees. Unfortunately, at 80-plus, he is in so much debt that he is not able to keep up, probably something well beyond $100K with little or no income aside from a meagre social security. How he got there has a lot to do with responsibility, or lack thereof, something that we talked about recently. His most visible lack of responsibility has to do with how he managed money, or lack thereof, but as I have come to know Ben, I have seen that he has avoided all kinds of responsibilities all his life, whether financial, practical, or interpersonal.
- Peter: Peter wants to be a doctor, or so he told me the first time I saw him. More accurately, the second time I had seen him because I saw him some 15 years ago. He is also mid-30’s and not doing much. He barely finished high school and never went to college. Somehow, the idea of becoming a doctor came into his mind and so he decided to come into my office to help him with his (pipe) dream. He has been taken care of by his wife for many years and before that was subsidized by his mother for years. He never has held any kind of full-time job. I can’t ascribe to Peter high intelligence and good character but he is generally a good man.
- Alex: Alex is a man in his early 50’s and is the opposite of what we see in the likes of Jack and Peter, although he shares intelligence and good character with them. He has always worked, raised his family, worked diligently in his local church, and generally served everyone…with the exception of himself. Some years ago, much against his wishes, he found that he was truly unable to work, perhaps largely due to severe apnea that has not allowed him to get a good night’s rest for five years or more. He would dearly like to return to work and made one futile attempt at it some time ago, which probably just set him back six months. He has always done what he deemed should be done in life starting from about the time he was 8 or 9 and culminating with taking over the role of the man in the house when his dad ran off with the babysitter.
- Guido: Guido, as his name might suggest, comes from Italian heritage although he has not been particularly interested in his European heritage. He has been an ardent follower of sports, particularly the Green Back Packers and the Wisconsin Badgers, staying a committed fan for 55 of his 65 five years. He graduated from college as a financial manager and did reasonably well, for the most part, but never really successful. Over the past 30 years that I have known him, he has been hired, fired, quit, and worked occasionally, but never with any meaningful passion. His real passion? Feelings, ,particularly other people’s feelings, so much so that he has been both liked and despised by almost everyone he has known. He has not had a meaningful job for 5 or 10 years, which is my guess, but he also has wanted to do something “great” like Jack, never quite knowing what that might be. He encounters random people in his semi-retirement but seemingly has no intimate friends from what I can tell despite the fact that he is both intelligent and somewhat fluent with certain aspects of psychology. He has never been married, lost perhaps the one love of his life and hasn’t been able to sustain any kind of intimate relationship since that unfortunate event in his life. While he pays his bills and such, he is radically alcoholic depending on drinking nightly until he passes out, something that he has done for perhaps 30 years.
- Bill: Bill shares the high intelligence and good character so often present with men who can’t seem to face the responsibilities of life or face them to a fault. Fiercely independent, Bill took 20 years to finish college because he refused to take English 2 because “it was beneath him” and because he had taken several advanced English classes. When the university changed its requirements, he was given a diploma having acquired 170 credit hours in a college that required only 120. Bill also was never successfully employed having tried to sell insurance, worked in his dad’s business for a year or two (unsuccessfully), and driving a cab (actually quite successfully) off and on. He was a voracious reader. When his father died and his mother became impaired with dementia, he took care of her for 5 or 6 years, but died when he was 59, a young age for most people, probably caused to some degree by his caretaking of his mother. He was married to a severely characterologically impaired woman whom he couldn’t divorce because his wedding vows included the statement, “I will not divorce you,” not unlike the vow he made to his mother that he “would never put you in a nursing home.” Bill acted so responsibility with his impaired wife and mother, that it killed him. On the other hand, he was not responsible to himself, somewhat like Guido, and had very little care for finances and property. He never owned a home, much less took care of it.
These seem like severe cases, but in fact, they are not so uncommon. The names, places, ages, and responsibilities vary but the theme is the same in all of these fine men: a failure to face, feel, and act responsibly. What went wrong with these men, especially in light of their intelligence and good character? No one taught them about responsibility. Bill’s father was truly brilliant but had been fired a couple of times over his life before he started his own business, but Bill and his father were substantially different, something that caused Bill to avoid doing the things that his dad wanted him to do. Ben talked about how farmer father would simply “go to the bank and ask for $1000 or more,” which the bank would gladly loan him because they trusted him, Ben didn’t learn the rudiments of being financially responsible, much being responsible in his work, much less in the care of property. He was so good at speaking and telling stories that he got away with the results of his lack of responsibility. A couple of the other men didn’t really have fathers, like Jack and Guido. In general, men are not taught about responsibilities. Rather, they are taught some responsibilities but not others. Very few men are taught, for instance, how to relate to women, when to give, when to restrain from giving, when to speak, when not to speak, and certainly when to do something and when to choose not to do it. The results of this lack of responsivities are many.
The results of being irresponsible
Not all men suffer all of the results of a failure to be responsible, but all men have one or more of these consequences:
- Ill health. All of the men I have mentioned above are in ill health of some kind. One man has cancer, another is underweight because of a poor diet and lack of exercise while three others are overweight for the same reason. One suffers from apnea as I noted. I currently have several men in my office who are in the neighborhood of 70 years old all suffering from ill health, all of which has to do with a failure to accept the responsibility of caring for one’s body
- Financial. Not all of these men actually suffer from financial difficulties but none of them has been prudent with earning, saving, and spending. I know of two millionaires who have failed to adequately care for money, one of which works 80 hours a week “trying to earn his (deceased) father’s approval,” while another spends wildly on “toys.”
- Unsatisfactory work. Jack can’t seem to accept that he needs to work at something…anything in order to make it in life, much less be President. Ben loved his work, which was largely speaking, preaching, and having coffee conversations with other pastors, but he didn’t do the important work of teaching, which requires study and planning. Alex never recovered from having too much mother (and mother figures) and not enough father. He turned out being a visible failure while Alex worked so hard that he neglected some important psychological and relational matters in life. Sadly, one of his sons is estranged from him, a phenomenon I have seen with many men who didn’t know how to be fully responsible.
- Unsatisfactory intimate relationships. Female relationships are always adversely affected by men not knowing how to be responsible. Some men dominate while most men fail to know how to say “yes” and “no” responsibly. Most men fall into undue anger, while others go towards avoidance or addiction. Who taught us men how to be good partners to the women in our lives? No one.
- Addictions. The obvious include the alcoholism that Guido displays. One of these men has been impotent for many years probably due to the sexual abuse he had as a child, while many men fall into sexual addictions like pornography together with undue masturbation. Some men fall into play, whether computer-based gaming or being in 4 baseball leagues in the summer. Some men fall into a work addiction. All addictions are due to a failure to understand one’s feelings, value them, and appropriately express them.
How can men be responsible and avoid such problems?
- Admit to yourself that no one really taught you the breadth of responsibilities. Do this, and you will feel childlike and a bit helpless. This is a beginning, not an end. Don’t tell anyone although if you are lucky enough to have a good friend, partner, or therapist, you might be able to speak of feeling helpless and childlike.
- Take a look at the myriad of responsibilities that you have in life: health, money, relationships, children, property, work, retirement, and friendships. Note that you have many things that you need to attend to. Note again, privately, that no one taught you about such things. It’s not your fault. It is your responsibility to do something about it.
- See the breadth of responsibilities, not just one or two. If you are good with finances, good for you; most men aren’t. If you good with managing your sexuality, good for you also. You might be good at sports, reading, writing, playing, telling stories, or particularly good with children. Maybe you’re even good with the whole matter of feelings, as most are not, so good for you. Maybe you’re good with the care of property as many men are…and many men are not. Take stock of what you’re good at, what you do well and do in a timely fashion. You are probably good with some kind of responsibilities and less good at others. Join the crowd.
- When you see a bit (or a lot) of irresponsibility in some arena of life, admit that you don’t want to do this thing that you seemingly should do. Certainly, you don’t have to do everything that you don’t want to do. Many men get caught thinking that they have to do something before they admit that they don’t want to do it. One of the guys noted above really doesn’t want to do his taxes… for the past three years. He needs to admit that he doesn’t want to do it, and then painfully do it.
- Do not do what other people say you should do. They’re wrong for telling you so. Something that is easy for one man is not easy for another. But as Desiderata says, “listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, for they all have their stories.”
- Realize that the things that you…no one else…knows…not “feels”…should be done, are your responsibilities and not anyone else’s. It’s hard enough to be your own task master, let alone tending to others’ opinions.
- Do something that you don’t want to do admitting to yourself that you don’t want to do it. You may truly hate cutting the grass or doing reports. Don’t do these things out of obligation to someone else (your wife, your boss, or your friend), but obligation to yourself.
- Note that when you actually do something you don’t particularly want to do, you don’t actually feel the “accomplishment” that other people might feel when they do this same thing that they might actually enjoy. Take this moment to yourself and realize that you have been “responsible” in doing something that you didn’t want to do, or perhaps that you didn’t know how to do, or perhaps that you did in a less than perfect way.
- Then, having done this terrible thing, do something that you really want to do, whatever that might be. Give yourself a break.
- Then, tomorrow, do this “terrible thing” again. And, maybe the next day.
Keep in touch.