Resentment is very common in life, but it is devastating to the people who feel it, and just as devastating to the people who have been resented. We’d like to discuss the feeling of resentment, what it is, how it comes to be, how to manage it, and how to overcome it.

Resentment is a feeling

That having been said, we must admit that “feelings” are very real, in fact, they are the central ingredient of valuable psychology but not definable. The fact that feelings are not definable does not take away from their importance. We know, for instance, that in biology life is undefinable, in physics time is undefinable, in theology, God is undefinable, and in relationships love is undefinable. We know what life, time, God, and love are by observing these things, measuring these things, and seeing the effects that these things have. The same is true of feelings, i.e. we know observe, measure, and see the effects of having feelings. While we can’t define feelings, we might dare to say that feelings are a very deep part of our souls (another undefinable thing), and seemingly the foundation of all we feel emotionally, think cognitively, say, and do as well as very possibly being the source of our physical/medical condition. But let’s go beyond the undefinable nature of feelings and consider what emotions, thoughts, words, and actions might erupt from feelings.

When we experience a feeling, we have sequentially four phenomena: physical sensation, emotional experience, cognitive thought, and finally some kind of action, which might be words. We have written more extensively about feelings in our I Want to Tell You How I Feel. Both the physical and emotional aspects are unconscious: they just happen. Then the thinking, speaking, or acting are conscious. The real issue with most people is the emotional aspect, which is what we have with resentment. Simply put, resentment is a form of anger. Anger is one of four basic emotions that we have, the others being fear, joy, and sadness. Quite importantly, sadness and joy are experienced in the present, fear is experienced about the future, and anger is experienced about something in the past. We work diligently with people to recognize and value the emotions of joy and sorrow, which always erupt because of something we have (joy) or lost (sadness). We wrote much more extensively in our first book, The Positive Power of Sadness. If we can stay in the present with the joys and sorrows of every day, we will stay away from trying to fix the past with anger and trying to fix the future with anxiety. So, what does this all have to do with resentment? Let’s examine how a person develops resentment and then suggest ways of overcoming it.

The process of developing resentment

There are several ingredients of resentment, which need to be seen in order to conquer resentment, or better yet, to prevent it. It is helpful for us to present a sequence of feelings, thoughts, words, and actions that lead to resentment in order to understand it before we attempt to conquer or prevent it. There are some variances, as we shall examine, but this is what happens:

• You love something. This could be valuing it or esteeming it. This could be something that you do or what someone else does. It could even be something that just happens, like good weather or the Packers winning a game
• Without knowing it , you think that some other person should love or value this thing the way you do
• The other person does not love or value what you value. They might say that they don’t value what you love, they just ignore what you love, or in some circumstances, say or do something that goes against your value system
• You are offended by this person’s disregard for what you love
• The other person might know of your disregard or might not know. They might say something or do something that is derogatory about you or your value system
• You are hurt
• Then, you are afraid of being hurt more
• Then, you are angry
• Then, you try to figure out what to do but can’t find any way of resolving the situation
• You are resentful
• Then, you ruminate about how this person was unfair, unkind, or selfish
• You get more resentful
• You may say something, but more than likely, you will say nothing
• You are stuck in your resentment

This is often the sad end to the story, but unfortunately, it is not really an “end” because you think too much about what has happened or this thorn in your side, and can’t shake it. Unlike joy and sadness which ebb and flow naturally, resentment is like an invasive weed. Once it gains hold it becomes obsessive.  But now, let’s be more concrete about how people get into resentment.

Real people; real feelings

• Barbara is a truly unselfish person. She enjoys giving time to people who want to talk. She often pays for the bill at the restaurant and volunteers to drive the neighbor’s kid to soccer practice when the parents are overloaded. Now and then, however, Barbara falls into a feeling of resentment, which very much displeases her because she knows this is not her nature. Looking a bit more closely at Barbara’s life, you see that she has a tendency to go overboard on her giving nature: she moves from giving to giving in. This means she says yes when she should say no, but saying no is very hard for her given her generous nature. She ends up thinking of things that do not reflect her good nature, like, “Why can’t Sally drive the kids to soccer sometimes?” “Why can’t Roger remember our anniversary the way I do?” or “Why am I the only one who volunteers for organizing the neighborhood supper?” In this situation Barabra is unaware that she is the base of the resentment. It is more about her giving in than others not giving.

• Polly gets resentful when her friend, Cathy, speaks ill of President Trump. Cathy is bold to express her opinion that the President has made a dangerous mess of the country and is a threat to democracy. Polly tries to defend her preference for Trump but Cathy is more bold and powerful and counters every point that Polly brings up.  Polly thinks they should be able to “agree to disagree” and feels resentful that not only does Cathy disapprove of the President but also that she is so bold in her persuasion. This type of resentment originates out one position of resentment that culminates in someone else’s resentment. Polly has become resentful of Cathy for being resentful of someone she admires.

• Some people resent an organization, like Congress, a church, or a volunteer organization. They resent something that the organization isn’t doing right or isn’t doing at all. Frank has been “sober” and a part of Alcohol Anonymous (AA) for nearly 30 years. Frank is an atheist and resents the fact that the local AA groups in his city all espouse some kind of religious persuasion, which he says and thinks is not actually part of AA, not in its original form and not as it has evolved. “Believing in a Higher Power doesn’t mean that you have to believe in God,” he says. This dilemma is very hard on Frank because he really loves AA the way some people love church. Frank is stuck in his resentment.

• Importantly, resentment can circulate within cultures. This is most evident when a given culture or group of people have been victimized by prejudices and oppression. Such prejudices and oppression can be manifest in action, attitude and in belief. This form of resentment is very important because it tends to circulate generation after generation. It is exceedingly difficult to eradicate.

Common ingredients of people who fall into resentment

You might think that people who resent have some kind of psychological flaw in their character, or worse yet, some kind of mental illness. Such is generally not the case. Aside from a few troubled souls who have great trouble with integrating feeling, thinking, and action, most people who fall into resentment have very positive characteristics, among them being:

• Generous and sacrificial. They enjoy doing and saying kind things for people
• Honest, fair, and just. They like to do justifiable things and be honorable
• Responsible. Taking care of property and people
• Balance. They like to have things balanced, in the sense of being equitable in what they buy, what they sell, what they give away, or what they receive

In addition to these more positive characteristics, there are some things about people who fall into resentment that can be problematic:

• Giving to a fault, i.e. always being on the giving side
• Sliding from giving to giving in. In other words, doing what they don’t want to do because it seems expected of them
• High expectations of people and organizations. They expect individual people as well as a collective to be generous, sacrificial, honest, fair, just, responsible, and balanced

What happens to people with these characteristics:

• They do what they don’t want to do
• They expect other people to do the right thing, which is what they think is the right thing to do, not necessarily what the other person thinks is right to do
• They get disappointed with people
• They fall into resentment out of a feeling of helplessness. They don’t know anything else to do with their helplessness and irritation

What can people do when they fall into resentment?

• Be aware of it and label it: resentment
• Do not think ill of yourself because you feel resentful
• Examine your personal characteristics. You might find generosity, kindness, fairness, and a giving spirit
• Consider that you might have more of these characteristics than other people have. This does not make you a better person, but it should give you a sense of self-esteem
• Value this and any other possible characteristic that you might have that someone else might not have. You might be more intellectual, more emotional, or more spiritual. Self-esteem is not arrogance, and it does not make you feel better than other people, just good about yourself
• Be grateful that you have these positive characteristics. The more you see what you have that others might not have, the more you will be grateful rather than resentful for their lack
• Be hurt, sad, or disappointed when someone doesn’t live up to your hopes and expectations. Sadness runs a course, makes you a better person, and keeps you away from anger, irritation, and resentment
• You might find yourself forgiving the other person because s/he didn’t do what you think was the best thing to do
• Keep your hopes high for people and your expectations low. You will be less disappointed, less resentful, and more grateful
• Then, people might just surprise you with how good they can be

Resentment can be a poison that damages the soul. Once it takes hold, it is very hard to shake. To combat it one needs to be mindful of one’s feelings and effectively process what one feels.  Perhaps, most importantly is the emotion of sadness when your hopes and expectations are not met. Feeling through the sadness will move you from feeding the anger that can lead to resentment. You can keep your hopes alive while guarding against too many expectations.  This allows you to be joyful when things work out for you but also sad when they don’t rather than feeling resentful.

It takes conscious effort to disciple oneself to break the cycle of resentment. Sometimes the discipline is in the form of a simple reminder to oneself. “I am feeling resentful. This is not good for me or my environment. I need to clarify my feeling behind this resentment.” Sometimes, the discipline comes in the form of action that redirects your efforts. You may need to get a bit of distance from someone you resent in order to reset your feelings about this person. On a rare occasion you may need to have a more definite or lasting separation. Approaching your feelings in this way is currently called mindfulness but has also been called self-awareness growing out of the ancient philosophical statement, “Know yourself.”