There are many aspects to the concept of perfection. We would like to discuss a few of them focusing primarily on finding a way to grasp the idea of perfection and use it profitably in our lives. Let’s start with a few obvious things:

Is anything perfect?

The first answer might be, “No, nothing is perfect,” which would be words, work, play, art, books, and many more objective things.

Secondly, words are quite imperfect. I often tell my patients that when they speak, particularly when they speak about how the feel because words describing their feelings are quite imperfect. This is very important because feelings are so central in life and so central in communicating  Imperfection in one’s expressing feelings is a major part of my work with people.

Thirdly, we might suggest that there are elements of life that we might dare to use the word perfect from time to time. Is there a perfect sunrise or sunset? Is there a piece of art or music that is somehow perfect? Additionally, is there a perfect time that you have with someone? Is there a perfect moment where you are totally silent or totally verbally engaged with someone? In other words, can we ever use the word perfect?

Given that there seems to be nothing perfect, but on the other hand, there seem to be times when talking about something, the word perfect is…perfect.

Intentions are perfect

We have been reading and studying a philosopher/theologian by the name of Thomas Acquinas, generally referred to as “Thomas” when speaking to people who know philosophy and theology. I learned to admire, study, and learn from the writings of Soren Kierkegaard from my primary mentor in life, Dr. Vernon Grounds, many years ago. I have read most of what Kierkegaard has written, some of quite challenging, and have profited greatly from his wisdom. Enter Thomas into my life, primarily at the hands of a priest we met when we were at our favorite date, Barnes and Noble, where we drink coffee and read. One of the more interesting things Thomas says is that intentions are always perfect.

Let me dare to summarize how Thomas can suggest that all intentions are perfect in the face of history being full of awful things done by “awful” people with seemingly harmful, dangerous, or evil intentions. Thomas’ thinking is this: (1) God is perfect, hence, (2) everything that God creates is perfect, hence, (3) God is in everything that He created, hence, (4) humankind is perfect. Furthermore, among other attributes and characteristics, God is love, so everything God has created is infused with love in some way, most specifically humankind.

This idea that everything that God has created is perfect, which would be the entire universe including humankind is perfect in essence. This means that the center of any human being is God and godly, that it is love-based, and in being so, it is perfect. Most importantly, Thomas would say, that every intention that any human being has is perfect it itself. Note right now, that intention is not equated with words or actions. The obvious question is this: how can we look at the horrible things people do and have done and see some kind of love and perfection? The answer to this rhetorical question is in the idea of intention, not in behavior, not in words, and not in any kind of effect. The implication is that behind every intention is love that is naturally attached to God in some way.

Thomas would look at the good, loving, and godly intention to horrible acts in the following way:

• Hitler was love-motivated, namely love for Germany, love for purity (remember his wanting purity of “Aryan” race. He may have loved other things and ideas, but his intention is exterminating people was to find purity, however deluded that might have been
• How about your brother-in-law who is always critical of everyone, so much so that you can’t be around him for long tolerating his seeming knowing everything. Thomas would say that your brother-in-law has the intention of making the world a better place, namely by finding what is wrong and suggesting that there would be a better way of doing something.
• There may be Trump lovers who see his intention is to purify, improve, or better America by his tactics and programs. Trump and his followers would say that they love America and the American way, and, among other policies, it is necessary to pick up illegal immigrants to do so. Thomas would say that Trumpists’ intentions are love-based and perfect despite their consequences.
• People who do not favor Trump would have a very different intention, namely, to protect America from Trump and his policies. Thomas would say that their intentions are also love-based and perfect.
• How about people who react in a violent way, whether physically or verbally, when they encounter something that they disfavor or despise? Are these people’s intentions also perfect and love-based. Thomas would say, yes. His reasoning is that their love-based intention is to balance things out, make things fair, or make things right again. In an extreme case, you might intend to murder someone out of a feeling of love for a person whom he murdered. Indeed, this might not be a good thing to do, but the intention of squaring things up is love-based: you loved the person who was murdered and you want to make amends.

The whole argument Thomas makes in this “intention is always perfect” is to separate the action and the consequences from the intention. In this way of thinking, how many times have you done something wrong, or even terrible, even though “you didn’t mean to do it”? How many fruitless arguments have you had with your spouse, brother, or friend when he or she said that you hurt them in some way? You try to explain that your intention was to help and do the right thing. A takeaway from Thomas, thus, might be, intention might be love-based and perfect while the effects and consequences are harmful. We might say that your feelings were love-based and perfect,

Feelings are perfect

What are “feelings” anyway? This word is used to cover a variety of psychological elements including emotion, intuition, thought, perception, and judgment, e.g.:

• Emotion: I feel sad, angry, afraid, or joyful
• Judgment: I feel like I should, or I feel that s/he should
• Intuition: I don’t know, but something is very right (or wrong) here.
• Thought: I feel that the Democrats (or Republicans) have it right
• Perception: I feel that sunshine is beautiful

I have come to use the word, feeling, as incorporating all of these elements but with a particular focus, namely an “inner sense,” a spiritual movement in me, or “something” that I can’t quite put words to. This is closest to intuition but includes the other four elements noted.

We also use the term, feeling, as experienced and expressed in four ways:

• First, I have a physical movement in my body, perhaps in my stomach, head, or arms
• Secondly, I have some emotion that erupts, namely joy, sorrow, fear, or anger
• Thirdly, I have a thought about this feeling
• Fourthly, I say or do something that reflects my feeling.

Note that with this definition of feeling, it is not equated with emotion. This is important in order to consider what we think is the most important aspect of feelings.

While I have used the term “definition,” it is most important to note that feelings are undefinable. That having been said, we suggest that all the most important and basic things about the universe in general and humankind in general are undefined. We can measure these things to a degree and have an intuitive understanding of them but we can’t define them:

• Physics: the basic elements are time, distance, and mass, all of which are undefinable
• Biology: life itself is undefined
• Relationships: love is undefined
• Theology: God is undefined
• Philosophy: truth is undefined

The fact that these things are undefined does not suggest that they do not exist but rather that they are so central to how the universe works that we can’t define them in concrete terms.

Now, I would like to suggest that feelings, themselves, are perfect. I’m not saying that the words or actions are perfect, but rather the feelings themselves. My take on this is that feelings are based on love, which is perfect, much like Thomas sayings such things.

To have the idea that feelings is perfect can relieve you of feeling inadequate when you express them, which is natural. Your words are imperfect, certainly an imperfect way of expressing feelings. If you keep in mind that the feelings are perfect as well as your words being imperfect, you will be able to say things like:

• I’m sorry, what I said is not accurate
• Allow me to try again to say what I mean (feel, think)
• Forgive me for offending you with what I said. It is hard to put into words my feelings
• When I express my feelings, it is about me, not you even if I use the word “you” when trying to communicate my feelings.

Asking people to do this is very hard because, as we said in our book, I Want to Tell You How I Feel, people don’t really know how to speak their feelings very well, and almost no one can hear feelings expressed by someone else, much less understand what he person is saying. This is why it is so hard to say, re-say, listen, re-listen, and work hard at communicating feelings.

So, keep in mind that when you feel something, it is about love and it is perfect. Then, keep in mind that however hard you try to express your feelings, your expression will be imperfect. This is hard because of the emotion that you feel, both when feeling and speaking, which could be exacerbated by what your listener says or does. We do not want to denigrate the emotion but realize that emotion is not the same as feelings, just as words are not the same thing as feelings, and thoughts and actions are not the same as feelings. Feelings, as we noted above, erupt with all of these elements, but feelings are spiritual.

Beauty is perfect

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a common expression that lends to recognizing that beauty, although subjective, is perfect. Consider the beauty that you experience in a variety of ways

Art:

• Think of a photograph that seems a perfect representation of a person or scenery
• Consider a poem, which might use “poetic license” and hence imperfect in words, might be perfect

Nature:

• Is there a perfect sunrise or sunset?
• Is a tree perfect even if it is gnarled?
• Is water, sky, or earth perfect?

Music:

• Is there some perfection in Beethoven’s sixth symphony?
• Is there a kind of perfection to a skilled musician playing drums?
• Are the lyrics of a song a perfect expression in some way?

Love:

• Is love always perfect even if it is expressed inadequately or not expressed at all?
• Is your love for your old car just as perfect as your friend’s house?
• Can you improve on your love and yet see that all love is perfect?

Having examined elements of life where the word perfect is…perfect, are there dangers in seeing things as perfect? The primary danger is perfectionism

Perfectionism

We want to briefly discuss this matter because perfectionism is not the same as perfect. In fact, perfectionism actually arises in a person’s behavior because a person is trying to express the perfection that they feel inside, sometimes with actions, sometimes with words.

Perfectionism arises in people because they want quality in what they say or do. Looked at this way perfectionism is not a bad thing but rather a good thing (seeking quality) to a fault. The expression, “to a fault,” means that you do something that is basically of a good spirit and good intention but can’t seem to ever satisfied with the result, whether this is what you say or what you do.

Perfectionism leads to all kinds of problems, both for the perfectionistic person and for people around him/her. The demand for perfection that you may have heard from your parent or teacher was their attempt to have you improve yourself in some way. But the demand might have been said in a critical way rather than in an affirming way. Perfectionistic people often seem “critical,” but they really are persons who want quality in life, first for themselves and then for other people.

The cure for perfectionism, if you suffer that malady, is to see that your feelings and intentions are perfect, and that there are many other things, like music and art, that seem to be “perfect” but no words and no actions are ever perfect. If you are one of those people who look for quality in life, that sometimes deteriorates into perfectionism, you need to get better at seeing that disappointment, hurt, and sadness are unavoidable…every day…and need to be faced, felt, and finished. This is no easy task but a way for you to retain your interest in quality but not quality to a fault, which is perfect words or actions.