This is actually an interlude from my previous and forthcoming blogs on “the end of” series. There is a similarity to the “end of” to this blog, but it is a different twist.I’m going to have a little fun before I get to the meat of this blog, the essence of which I think is quite important for many people, perhaps all people at some time in their lives. But I want to indulge myself in one of the things that I live best: language. I am by far not nearly the skilled linguist that many people are although it would be a fond wish to be able to speak Russian, French, Swedish, Spanish or German fluently after having studied each of these languages enough to say, “hello” or “where’s the bathroom?” I also studied Latin, Greek, and Hebrew in school and still am able to parse out a word that might have such origins. You might wonder what the “h’end” of the road might mean, so let me tell you. Deb and I lived in Newfoundland, Canada for four years, a most glorious experience and our only long-term cross-cultural experience, not of the depth of someone living in Zambia, grant you, but Newfoundland was a good place for us to be and we yet treasure this very unique province and retain good friends there. Due to its Irish heritage, much of which shows in its music and subculture, there was a tendency of many Newfoundlanders to add and subtract the letter “H” to words seemingly at random, but of course for Newfoundlanders it was not random. For instance, the letter “H” was often added to words that began with a vowel and just as often deleted from words that began with an H. We heard a person speaking about her “h’anger”, not “anger.” Likewise, I heard a woman talk about her child who was very “’yper,” not “hyper.” I came quite certain that there is rhyme and reason to the shifting of the letter H, but I never got the hang of it. However, I remember one very distinct instance when we were visiting an “outport” Newfoundland town and asked a lady where a particular bed and breakfast might be located. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sure, I know where it is. It is at the ‘h’end of the road just past the h’apple stand. I ‘ope that I was ‘elpful.” A young person in our car repeated her exact words with the emphasis on “the h’end of the road.”

Enough of my linguistic jostling. Now I want to talk about the real issue: when people come to the “end of the road,” whimsically called “the h’end of the road.”

The End of the Road

My thoughts about the end of the road (or the h’end of the road) began just a couple days ago in a conversation with a patient who said that he seemingly had come to “the end of the road.” We talked about this vision that he had, and then examined this phenomenon, namely with the contexts of the future, the present and the past. I have since shared this picture with several other people in my office who I thought might profit from this picture, which we might call a metaphor or even a vision of what lies ahead for them in life. Over the recent three days I have found myself using this end of the road picture quite relevant to several of the people (all men, of course) I have seen. Importantly, almost all of these people have all been in their 60’s including:

• A man, 67, whose wife left him for another man and now that that man has left the “new man,” he wants to come back home
• A man, 63, whose wife has also left him, but not for another man, but rather because she admits that she never should have married him, and has been relationally unhappy for 30-odd years
• A man, 65, who is single and never married, who is looking at the rest of his life, which includes who he might be with, what he might do for a profession, and where he might live
• A man, 62, who has had a good and sustainable relationship for several years with a woman who has been a very good friend and conversationalist, but now it seems that their differences might suggest that the relationship might not be sustainable any longer. He is also looking heartily about his profession and the place where he might live.
• A man, closer to 50, who has just lost his very successful job, has lived unhappily for many years in a marriage, and all things seem up in the air for him.
• A man, 58, who has been typically and frequently angry all his life and is only now looking at his deeper feelings and how to communicate them
• A man, not even close to 50’s or 60’s, who is looking at a life that includes possible drastic changes in his vocation, his family relationships, religious orientation, and even a more significant element of his very nature
• A man in his late 50’s with a good marriage, good professional life, good house, and generally a good life who has fallen into a significant depression because, despite the fact that he has been a good person all his life, he hasn’t attended to his feelings.

All of these men seem to be facing what I come to a place in their lives where things in the future seem to be quite uncertain and vague, but more importantly, an opportunity for a good life, if perhaps quite different from what their lives have been over the past decades. The surface questions include:

• Should I be married or otherwise with this person in my life?
• Should I continue in my current profession, find another one, or should I not be working at all in any kind of formal job?
• What kind of financial security do I need for this new life that I might have?
• What might I lose if I move into this new life?
• Is there any urgency for me to make a decision?
• What are the external factors that I might face in this new life?

These are the objective and practical questions that they are asking, but I believe that there are also subtly asking subjective questions, like:

• Can I hang on to the security what I have had up to this point, like the security of house, family, marriage, profession, or gender identity?
• What dangers are there in this “new life” and am I prepared to face these dangers?
• What abilities and experiences can I take along with me that might be useful?
• What relationships, property, feelings, and beliefs do I need to leave behind?
• Can I have the best of both worlds, meaning the past and the future?

Wanting it both ways

The answer to the last question, “Can I have the best of the past and the future?” the answer is “yes.” Yes, you can have the best of the past, but you can’t have the experiences of the past, the relationships as they were in the past, the property of the past, the money of the past, and the job/profession of the past. You can have the best of the past but not the things of the past. What is the best of the past? It is what you have loved, what you have lost, and what you have learned. You can’t have the kind of relationship you had before. You can’t have the property you had in the past. You can’t have the ideas you had in the past. You can’t have the family you had in the past. In other words, you can’t have it the way it was…but you can take the best of the past into the future. The best of the past is what you loved, how you loved, and the memories you have of such things. You might stay in a marriage, a relationship, a job, a profession, a house, or a city, but your new life will not be the same. You will have a new perspective of life and life around you built on what you have done, said, felt, and thought. This is the best of the past, but it is not the past carried into the future. You don’t forget about the past, nor do you allow yourself to simply live in nostalgia of the past. Rather, you will be looking at the present and the future with the knowledge, skills, experiences, successes, failures, and mistakes that you made in the past.

The people whom I made reference to above said to me something like:

• I don’t want to lose what I have with my wife, so I am afraid of challenging the situation that I find myself. This is scary.
• I can’t see clearly where I should live so I will just stay here because it is safe. Anywhere else is scary.
• I love my partner for sure but maybe if I wait for a bit longer, she will change or I will change so we don’t argue all the time. Anything else is scary.
• I don’t think I can make it without the money I was making in my previous job. I’m scared of living in some kind of poverty
• I want to keep on telling my wife that I love her hoping that this “will get through to her.” I’m afraid that if I don’t, she will never come home.

Note the operative word? Scared. They are scared of doing anything, saying anything, or even daring to feel anything because they don’t want to lose what they have had. I think in all of these cases that they have already lost what they want, most likely will never get it back, and they are putting their heads in the sand hoping for some miracle. They are all at the “h’end” of the road, the road of their lives up to this point. And they can’t have it both ways: they can’t have what they have had and what they might have if they really move forward. But how to they do this? how do they “move forward” into their new lives?

Moving into the new life

I think of all of these people, people of any age, who have come to the end of the road in some way (or a combination of ways), need to face the fact that the new life needs to be substantially different spiritually than in their previous lives. I could also use the term “emotionally” because emotion is a significant part of moving into anything new, but this new life certainly has an important emotional ingredient: No fear. I also call this the “second half of life,” however old the person is, because this “second half of life” is substantially different from the first “half.”

1. You can’t enter a new life with any kind of fear, none whatsoever. Sound impossible? It is. I state this “no fear” element because fear cannot be the dominant factor in their lives. Recall the fears noted in all of these people:
   1. Fear of losing wife
   2. Fear of being discovered
   3. Fear on not enough money
   4. Fear of what people think of me
   5. Fear of failure
   6. Fear of criticism

All of this has to go, or at the very least, be at a minimum level

2. You can’t take “the best” of the past. This is the love you have, the successes you have had, the mistakes you made, the things that happened to you. In a nutshell, you take into the future what you have learned in the past.
3. You will most certainly have some of what you had in the first part of your life, like relationship, property, friends, and the like. But you will not be hanging on to these things, which has kept you impotent in life.
4. You will love more, love better, lose better, and love again. It may be the same person, place, or property, but it will not be loving with a closed hand because you now know that you will most certainly lose everything that you love at some time, which means people, place, property, and ideas.
5. You will make a difference in the world. That will be a place where you are no longer interested in acquisition or approval, but rather the opportunity to be of service.
6. But first you will have to “collect” the past so you can use the best of the past.

Collecting the past

1. I am not a particular fan of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) while I acknowledge that AA has helped countless millions of people. I do like what they call the 4^th step: making a moral inventory of oneself. I would not so much limit this important “step” to morality but to life in general, specifically, at successes and failures
   1. Examine your life and see all the love you have had, all the successes you have had, all the losses you have had, all the good people in your life, and most importantly, how you have been of value to the world
   2. Examine your life and see the regrets you have had. The things you should have done but didn’t; the things you should have done but did; the things you said that you shouldn’t have said but did; the things you didn’t say that you should have said but didn’t.
   3. Draw from these good, and not-so-good experiences what you have learned
   4. Keep these things in your mind, not so much to remember what was said or done, but what you learned from all of it
2. Store these things in your heart. You may tell someone, or you may not, but have no fear of telling or not telling. It is not approval or disapproval that is important, but rather having the knowledge and wisdom you have had.
3. Now you are ready to look forward but be careful to avoid falling into “wanting it both ways,” like dragging all the money, property, and people into the future. Whatever you retain for the future will be in a new light because now you can love knowing that whatever you love, you will lose.

Now, are you ready to use the end of the road as a good starting place?