A few years ago Deb wanted to take a trip on her own where she could hike and explore, which is one of her true passions. She went to Portugal and hiked a long trail along the coast of the country. After she had been there a few days, she called me up and said the following: “I am so glad that you’re not here” and then quickly said, “I wish you were here.” Knowing Deb and understanding the importance of such paradoxical statements, I was not chagrinned although many people have been somewhat bothered when I tell them the story of her call from Portugal. Let’s talk about paradoxes.

A math teacher once told me that there are two interesting things about math and science: (1) “Everything interesting happens at the boundaries,” he said, and (2) “To really understand math and science, you have to grasp the centrality of paradox.” How true he was. I won’t indulge myself with how paradoxes and boundaries are significant in math and science except to note that there is much that we don’t understand because so many things seem to paradoxical in the known universe. I have found boundaries and paradoxes to be central ingredients of life, and hence of psychotherapy, e.g.:
 Feeling sad and joyful seemingly at the same moment
 Loving someone but not liking that person very much
 Doing the right thing even though it looks like the wrong thing
 The sorrow and joy that come from tragedy
 Feeling good about finding out what is wrong even though you didn’t want it to be wrong

Feeling sad and joyful at the same time
This is a “love problem” as we frequently say to our clients. In fact, where there is joy, there is always sorrow, and when there is sorrow, there is always joy. This paradox happens in the past, present, and the future.
 In the present: you enjoy having your early morning cup of C, but then feel sad when it is gone or you spill it. This is the way of life.
 In the past you really enjoyed playing football but sad at the memory of when you broke your leg. This is nostalgia.
 In the future you expect something good to happen, to live with someone, or to have your idea work out, but however good these things might be, they will end and you will feel sad. This is the essence of hope.
There are many experiences that people have where they feel joy and sorrow at the same time:
 Frank lost his wife recently but finds it pleasant that he doesn’t have to pick up after her and clean up after her. Joy and sorrow.
 Jim lost his job but is glad that this terrible job is over. Joy and sorrow.
 Nancy is a doer and really enjoys being busy and productive but is sad when a project is over or she doesn’t have another one right at hand.
 Matt enjoys the freedom he has had being alone but is often lonely, and then sad.
 Philip thought he would really enjoy a cruise trip but found it only somewhat satisfying. Joy and sorrow.

How can you face the paradoxes of life?
 Admit to your feelings. If you have read any of our blogs, you have already heard this call: admit to what is there, particularly how you feel. You will feel some combination of:
o Hurt
o Disappointment
o Sadness
 Then note the quick transformation of these basic feelings hurt and disappointment and the natural emotion of sadness quickly transfer into something else:
o Anger
o Fear
o Avoidance
o Addiction
o Undue activity
 Tell someone how you feel, ideally a person who doesn’t give you advice or “get over it” or “just do something.” Such a person could be a good friend, family member, or a therapist-like person.
 Admit to yourself the paradox that you face:
o Love your husband but don’t like him
o Love your house but not the work it takes to manage it
o Love being alive and fear dying
o Love to be in shape but don’t want to work out and eat right
o Tell someone this paradox (has to be the right person)
 Consider that there might be drastic action, like divorce, moving to a new house, quitting your job. Most of the time you won’t have to do such things. Just give these thoughts some room
 If you are really in an intolerable situation, whatever it is, find a way out of it.
o Leave your wife or job or house
o Find a way to live the life you have left on this earth
o Go to the country you have wanted to see all of your life
 If drastic action is needed (it usually isn’t), note your feelings
o Admit to the paradox
o Admit to the feeling of disappointment. Life at this point in your life is just not what you expected
o Admit to the sadness
o Allow your sadness to run its course. Sadness always ends
o Work diligently to prevent anger, avoidance, addiction and fruitless activity
 Do something that you really don’t want to do
o Work out
o Fix the garage
o Clean up after your dog
 Then sit back and realize you did something you really didn’t want to do and appreciate your small effort.
 Take a break from doing what you didn’t want to do and indulge yourself in video game laying or eating a donut.
 Take a bit of stock of the other paradoxes in your life. Maybe read a snippet or so from the Stoics, like Marcus Aurelius.

When you face the paradoxes of life, you will grow up. And likely, you will be of some good service to the people around you who are probably also facing paradoxes.