Trauma. Sadness turned to fear. Fear turned to anxiety. Anxiety turned to anger. Anxiety and anger turn into Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Then, PTSD leads to some form of compensation. It is the compensation that is what we see with people who suffer PTSD. We don’t see the trauma and we don’t see the real feelings associated with the trauma. Very often, people think, feel, or act in a way that suggests some kind of mental illness, like depression disorder, anxiety disorder, autistic disorder, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. We do our best to stay away from using these diagnoses with people with one exception: PTSD. We believe that almost all such mental health disorders are due to unresolved trauma in life. However outrageous this statement might sound, it is the foundation of what we do with people in our offices.

We help people find, face, feel, and finish the traumas in their lives. Simply put, this means helping people start with what ails them in their current lives, be it relationships, finances, vocation, children, parents, or the faucet that leaks in the kitchen. In all of these matters people tend to go into anger or anxiety, and then say or do something that only makes matters worse: they yell at the faucet, the bank, their children, or their boss. We try heartily to help people feel the distress of their current lives, be it relationships or otherwise, and then reach back into their earlier lives and discover that their distress regarding the current event is exacerbated by wounds in their earlier lives, almost always in their childhood.

What is trauma and what is PTSD

Trauma is an unexpected hurtful or damaging event that occurs to someone. There are big traumas and little traumas. Most little traumas do not lead to PTSD. If you think about it, you have little traumas every day by some unforeseen event, especially the negative or challenging events. Even dropping your fork on the floor or spilling your coffee on your shirt is a trauma, albeit it a small one. These are simple traumas because these small things temporarily disrupt our sense of well-being. Small traumas rarely lead to PTSD. It is the large traumas, like being hit by a car, stumbling on the front steps, hearing of the loss of a good friend, or being routinely teased or bullied in school that lead to PTSD. Very importantly, it is not the trauma that causes PTSD, but the failure to feel the natural emotions that come with traumas.

These normal emotions that come with any trauma, large or small, are basically disappointment and accompanying sadness. Secondary feelings of fear and anger often proceed from traumas in addition to feeling sadness. So, PTSD is not caused by the trauma; it is caused by the failure of having the experience of feeling sad, perhaps together with a bit of anger and fear. Unfortunately, what we see in PTSD is not the natural emotion of sadness, but rather the emotions of anger and fear. If I spill my coffee on my shirt, I might be a bit frustrated, and a bit sad, and maybe I’d even be angry with myself for a moment. But these emotions should pass in moments. Likewise, if I experienced a serious trauma at some time in my life but was not allowed to feel sadness, fear, and anger, these emotions would actually stay in my psychology even though the trauma itself has passed. When I set up a circuit for keeping feelings of sadness private, I will have a tendency to feel fear or anger. This is the essence of PTSD. So, what are the causes of PTSD?

Most normal events associated with PDSD

• Abuse: this could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, or a combination of these various forms of abuse, sometimes wrapped up as emotional abuse. More recently in our culture experts talk of religious abuse.
• Neglect: this is a lack of necessary attention from a parental figure. Neglect comes in three forms or combinations of something lacked or missed in some way:
  • Safety
  • Nurturance
  • Comfort
• Physical illness or accident
• Loss of person, place, thing or idea
• Violence, such as the violence of war, or even of war training

These are the normal elements we think of when we hear of someone suffering from PTSD, namely something that was harmful in one’s life. We’d now like to discuss the trauma of indulgence, which to our knowledge has not been discussed in the literature except tangentially. We call this phenomenon Indulgence PTSD, or IPTSD.

What is IPTSD

Instead of giving a list of symptoms or behavior of people who suffer from IPTSD, let’s start with some real-life examples (identifying information changed).

• Peter.  Peter is an African—American man of 39. I saw peter 15 years ago when he got himself into a difficult situation that resulted in his being convicted of a felony, He weathered the social and legal storm that resulted from his action but has not been able to make a life for himself. He recently returned to me hoping to find a way to get on with life. In his 39 years he has never had a job, never completed college, doesn’t own a car, has no friends, and has never left home. His primary complaint when he saw me: his parents are “narcissistic” and he “is in danger” in their presence. His perspective is that his parents are “dangerous”, have damaged him and kept him from succeeding in life. His complaints went beyond his parents, however. He alleged that the Black community resources are not doing their job, the local college didn’t reduce his tuition regardless of his reported disabilities, a job prospect did not work out because the employer was deceitful, and an entrepreneurial opportunity fell through because someone lied to him. In other words, he hasn’t been able to move on in life because of all these external circumstances and people are keeping him unable to do anything.

Peter has a Black father and a Caucasian mother. As is true in many Black families, Peter’s family was matriarchal. Mother was in charge and dad tended to be absent. Mother was primarily the “indulgent” person in the family, and dad somewhat distant doing his own thing. Sadly, Peter got “too much mother and not enough father,” as I often say to the men who come to see me. But this early life indulgence has obviously continued into Peter’s adult life evidenced by his having failed to do anything of significance. His perspective: someone has to help him do something in life because he is “held back” by all these external sources.

The way I see it? Peter was indulged and suffers from IPTSD. Simply put, he was given too much attention and freedom but not enough trial-and-error experience in life where he could understand how the world works. In a nutshell, he hasn’t grown up. The trauma? A lack of failure and disapproval that always comes when one steps out into the world. By the way, Peter is actually quite bright, but brilliance is not a replacement for trial-and-error experience.

• Sam: Sam is 82. He is a good man, a deeply religious man, quite likable, and also quite bright. Unfortunately, he has an overwhelming amount of financial debt. He was quite successful in his profession, namely being a professor of history, but never took care of his financial matters and ended up using and over-using credit cards until these cards were overtaxed leading to bill collectors writing and calling the house. Until about five years ago his wife of many years was oblivious to their financial situation because Sam always managed to give Grace a monthly cash allowance  to spend as she wished, something that she received gracefully not realizing that he had borrowed from Peter to pay Paul, especially the last 10 or 15 years. They traveled, they bought cars, furniture, and clothing at their will, never to any kind of “excess” but certainly always beyond their income. Sam is a bit wiser in his older age but the burden of his early mistakes has taken a terrible toll on him psychologically, which has adversely affected his marriage and led to a myriad of medical conditions. His interests now are predominantly about these medical conditions together with having multiple visits to the hospital, ER rooms, and various doctors hoping that someone can find a cure for what ails him. I find it remarkable how an intelligent, kind, likable, and generally attractive person could find himself in such a situation having had a reasonable salary for many years.

We can look at Sam as having indulged himself and his wife, but how did Sam, bright and capable as he is, fall into this pattern of spending too much? The indulgence we see with Sam seems to have come from having been raised with indulgence .Having been raised on a farm, we would think that Sam would have been raised with a deep value of work and responsibility, but such was evidently not the case. It appears that he was indulged by both of his parents. His father never asked for his contribution on the farm and his mother was doting and encouraged him to “play the part” and never to make trouble with anyone. Given his intelligence, he didn’t have to work hard to get good grades. I suspect that his charm and intelligence played in his favor in college and in work, again leading him to avoid failure, disapproval, and other consequences of being a normal human being learning from trial and error. Sam suffers from IPTSD for not having had enough experience with trial and error, mistakes, disapproval, and generally learning how the world works.

• Jimmy: Jimmy is a fictional figure, a composite of many children I have seen over my years of practice. The situation with “Jimmy” is not unlike most of the children who are brought to me with some kind of outrageous behavior. Jimmy will put up rages that last for hours, arguing that he is right regardless of the facts before him. He hits his sister with impunity, swears like a sailor, and throws his toys when they don’t work the way he thinks they should. He threw a remote at the TV one time that ruined both the remote and the TV. You might find it valuable to read our blog on the “4-8-12 child”. Jimmy is 8-years old physically, 12-years old intellectually but 4-years old emotionally. When he is putting up a fuss and generally being demanding, he uses his 12-year-old vocabulary and reasoning to get what he wants. When Jimmy doesn’t get his way, he throws what must be called a toddler fit. Unfortunately, these fits can be dangerous with his 8-year-old body and 12-year-old brain. How did this happen?

The origin of Jimmy’s behavior problems and the origin of all 4-8-12 children is that he was indulged. Part of the problem with these kids is that they are bright beyond their years, so when he was actually 4, he was speaking like an 8-year-old. Naturally (but wrongly), his parents “reasoned” with Jimmy when he was four instead of simply saying no to his demands and possibly having him face the consequences of his behavior. Jimmy did not face the consequences of his behavior as he should have faced. Jimmy’s parents wanted him to “understand” why he couldn’t have the second cookie, but 4-year-olds don’t want explanations and reasons why he can’t have the cookie; they just want the cookie. I tell parents of their 4-8-12 children all the time to meet the emotional age of their child rather than the intellectual age, but it is a hard sell. Jimmy’s parents are loving and caring. No problem there. They provide safety (perhaps a bit too much). And they provide nurturance. They don’t provide limits. And they don’t provide consequences. This is an indulgence, allowing an intelligent 8-year-old to act like a 4-year-old.

• Cynthia. Cynnthia was raised with privilege and wealth. Like many people raised in such circumstances, she wanted for nothing and had the best of everything. She became quite successful in college and work for a few years but then things began to deteriorate, specifically around relationships, including family, friends, and partners. Cynthia, and many others like her, had the privilege of having everything what she wanted but didn’t have the privilege of not getting what she wanted and suffering the consequences of trial-and-error learning.

• Luke: Luke was raised in poverty. His family operated on the basis of surviving, not thriving. They taught Luke that the world is against them and they have to get whatever they can get. This can lead to a life of dishonesty and complaining. Luke, and many others like him,  didn’t have the opportunity of distinguishing between wants and needs because his needs were barely met, leaving no room for his wants, much less not getting what he wanted. The indulgence in the case of people in poverty is often having too much freedom together with a functioning ethic of getting what you want in any way you could.

In our next blog on IPTSD, we will discuss how IPTSD people feel, think, and act, sometimes profitably, sometimes not, We will also discuss how you might suffer from IPTSD and how to recover from it. Finally, we will discuss how you can deal with people in your environment who might are difficult to deal with and how you can be true to yourself and help them recover from IPTSD.