What is IPTSD, how is it caused, and what are the symptoms?

Summary: IPTSD is PTSD that is caused by indulgence. This means giving someone too much freedom, too much money, to much time, and generally too much, which is more than they actually need. Individuals who suffer from this form of PTSD have a deep-seated insecurity that is much like PTSD that is caused by neglect or abuse.

Cause: IPTSD is usually caused by parents who are too indulgent with their children, namely giving them too much of what they want, which could be more money than they need, more attention than they need, or more freedom than they need to mature in life. As a result of indulgence, these people do not have an adequate understanding of the difference between what they want and what they need.

Symptoms:

Anger: Undue and frequent anger in some form, sometimes outrageous, sometimes irritability, sometimes complaining that they’re just not getting what they want.

Unhappiness: generally dissatisfied with much of life, often in relationships, whether intimate, casual, or work related

Anxiety: a general feeling that they are in danger in some way, which can lead to a general distrust of people, especially people close to them

We discussed these matters in the first blog on IPTSD. In this blog we want to describe more in detail how people suffering from IPTSD feel, think, and act. Then, we want to discuss how to deal with IPTSD that you might have. Finally, we will discuss how to deal with people in your life that may suffer from IPTSD.

Common experiences of people suffering from IPTSD

• Indulgence. This could be money, attention, freedom, or even undue comforting and nurturance. We might even call indulgence, “love to a fault,” but in fact, it is not really loving to indulge someone.
• Lack of awareness. Indulged children do not know that they are being indulged.
• Demanding. Indulged children make undue demands on their environment
• Judgment.  Indulged children are judged as “selfish, irresponsible, or disrespectful.”
• Shame: Because their behavior is so adverse, they are shamed, which causes a sense that there is something wrong with them
• Lack of trial-and-error learning. They are shielded from mistakes and disapproval, thus failing to understand the unavoidability of mistakes and disapproval
• Lack of motivation. They “don’t try” because they don’t want to fail or meet with disapproval.

Adults with IPTSD

In our first IPTSD blog we discussed “Peter, “ “Sam,” “Jimmy” and composite people who were raised in poverty or privilege, both of which can cause IPTSD.

• Sam, Peter, Jimmy, and the others we talked about didn’t know that they got more than they deserved, didn’t have sufficient boundaries, and didn’t suffer the consequences of their behavior with mistakes and disapproval so they could understand how the world works. I know the phenomenon of IPTSD but every time I see it, I am amazed how intelligent people don’t understand some of the rudiments of getting on in the real world. Peter, Sam, and Cynthia didn’t know how to cope with consequences of mistakes or of limits. How can an intelligent 39-year-old can think that his lack of having done anything of significance in life is due to the external factors of his parents, the community college or the community.
• PTSD from indulgence is perhaps the most insidious form of PTSD because these people weren’t beaten or neglected. The trauma was subtle, but yet a trauma indeed. What happened? They didn’t have the opportunity to be sad for having made a mistake or earned some kind of disapproval. Sadness is the most important emotion we have in life. Everything we love or value we eventually lose making it an absolute necessity for a successful life to be fluent with feeling sad…and getting over it. You might find it valuable to read our first book, The Positive Power of Sadness or our book, I Want to Tell You How I Feel. We discuss emotional maturity in these books and it is a basic part of our understanding of good psychotherapy.
• As a result of people who suffer from PTSD of indulgence, they have what is called an “external locus of control,” which is the feeling of being controlled by external circumstances, these usually being other people, bad luck, or lack of some other external source. They don’t have a good internal locus of control that leads to trusting and respecting trial and error, mistakes, disapproval, and learning.
• The lives of people suffering from IPTSD tend to be chronically unhappy and anxiety-ridden. They do not really understand the whole business of engagement in life, which requires trials and errors tougher with successes and failures that often are complicated by others’ judgments and disapprovals. They are truly impaired because of this lack.

Difficulties in relationships

• They cause great distress to those around them because their psychological operation is something like, “I want it so I should have it,” whatever the “it” might be. This can take the form of complaining, demanding, and irritability together with symptoms of depression and anxiety.
• Indulged people (of any age) have a deleterious effect on the people around them. In their feeling that they should have everything that they want, they create a variety of reactions with their friends and family, who tend to become overwhelmed with the demands, complaining, and blaming.
• Friends and family try to assuage their unhappiness by yet further indulgence: they might listen all night to complaining and blaming, give in to their demands for money, or worry about their suicidal threats. These may be acts originating in kindness, sympathy, or love of some kind, but they actually make matters worse.
• The people around IPTSD people eventually get angry, avoid them, shame them, or leave them.
• IPTSD people are often left alone or feel alone even though they might have a large cadre of friends. They feel alone because “nobody understands them,” which is, in fact, “nobody gives me what I want.”
• They tend to go from one relationship to another leaving their friends or partners either because their friends didn’t give them what they wanted or because their friends avoided them.

How to deal with indulgence PTSD

• There is a great danger of helping your friend to a fault. This is what happens: (1) you see your friend in need, (2) you feel compassion for him/her, (3) you give what you can, perhaps money, perhaps time, perhaps compassion, (4) your friend still complains. So, you go in the other direction, i.e. telling him/her what is wrong with them. Then you set yourself up for being yet another external source of his/her unhappiness. You tolerate, get angry, avoid, and indulge your friend. All wrong.
• Limit. Limit. Limit. This is what we tell people who are dealing with people in their lives who want more than they need, complain a lot, and demand a lot of attention. Limiting is not criticizing. It is not explaining. It is not reasoning. It is not lying, like saying that you can’t be with the person because you have a headache. Limiting, quite simply, is first and foremost saying “no” when you really don’t want to do what they want you to do.
• Give but don’t give in. I say to my patients, “give you money, your time, or your life, but don’t give in.” If you give in, you will get angry, avoid and even resent your friend or family member.
• Share your feelings, especially the difficult ones to share. Perhaps:
  • I feel overwhelmed by what you are saying. Sorry, but I am not able to honestly be with you in this situation
  • I feel hurt for your situation but the emotional pain is more than is good for me
  • I just don’t know what to say and feel kind of helpless
• Avoid being critical, much less angry. You get critical and angry because you are resentful. You are resentful because you have given in. You shouldn’t blame your friend for these feelings
• Be with this person when you want to be with them, which might be for an hour, 15 minutes, or three hours.

How to recover from IPTSD

• This is very hard and you will not be able to do it alone. Find a capable therapist.
• Look closely at what you tend to say. If you can admit to yourself that you are inclined to complain and blame, you might suffer from IPTSD
• Take a personal inventory. Look at your present. Then look at your past. See if you can see that you have always had an external locus of control. You are in a tough place in life.
• Note if you are unduly afraid of failure and/or disapproval. Try simply restraining your tendency to complain and blame. This, alone, might help you establish egalitarian relationships with people who are also trying to find their way in life.
• Restrain your tendency to talk. Listen more, even to things that you know are wrong or stupid.
• On the other hand, you might be a person who never talks about your feelings keeping all your disappointment to yourself. You might need to take a chance with someone by saying something that you feel.
• Realize that “feelings” are never wrong, but words, actions, and emotions can be very wrong. Finding feelings is like finding yourself
• See if you can feel sad more, which will mean catching sadness before it migrates into anxiety and anger.