Wanting it Both Ways

I have often “wanted it both ways” in many of life’s circumstances:

• I want to eat as much sugar as I want. I also want to have low glucose in my blood
• I want to lose weight. I also want to eat too much food at night
• I want to slim down my belly. I don’t want to do the planking that might help
• I want to have friends who know me. I don’t want them to know enough to know me
• I want to be able to play good basketball. I don’t want to practice enough to do that
• I want to work a lot (because I enjoy what I do). I don’t want the fatigue that comes with too much work
• I want to write blogs without grammatical/spelling errors. I don’t want to do the careful editing required to do that
• I want to go to Europe. I don’t want to have to abide by the Covid rules to do so
• When in college I wanted to postpone studying until the wee hours of Sunday night with the result of my grades suffering and restricting me in future endeavors. I wanted people to see that I am capable and intelligent without the “union card” of a good GPA.
• …and many more

You might have such dilemmas or perhaps more serious ones like some of the people with whom I engage in some way:

• A family individual who seriously assaulted me with vicious gossip some time ago, but wants to have a good relationship with me without apologizing for his/her action
• Another family member who created a huge mess in my house that I found after he/she left the house. They also want to have a trusting relationship with me
• The patient for whom I did an extensive neuropsychological evaluation that cost her pennies but she wasn’t didn’t think I spent enough time with her to write the report I did so she won’t pay the pennies until she is satisfied.
• The guy who races by me on the right side on the interstate together with a one-finger salute because he is not satisfied that I am driving only the speed limit

Or, you may be like some of my patients who want it both ways, like:

• The guy who wants his wife to trust him but isn’t honest with him
• The guy who wants to get over the basic fear of life that has plagued him all his life but doesn’t want to face the terror of the origin of this fear
• The introverted man who wants people to love him but is unable to reveal enough of himself to allow people to see him enough to love him
• The guy who is gay but wants to be married and have children
• The guy who is very bright but quite under-employed because of his lack of advanced education, but doesn’t want to go to college in order to be professionally satisfied
• The kid who wants to be liked but is unable to manage his selfishness in order to have people like him
• The mom who wants her child to grow up but can’t let go of her undue mothering of him
• The dad who wants to have a relationship with his introverted son but doesn’t want to affirm the challenge of knowing and loving an introvert
• The extravert who says anything that comes to his mind but doesn’t want the effects of many people being irritated with him.
• The guy who wants to drink as much as he can but doesn’t want to suffer the negative effects his drinking has on his family
• The man who tends to tell people what they should do because he is a high boundary person but also wants low boundary people to like him
• The guy who married the wrong woman but wants to magically fix that by staying with her despite his being unable to love her
• The adolescent who wants to reserve sex for marriage but gives herself to boys for the sake of “being loved”
• The man who wants to express his beliefs openly but is afraid of losing friends as a result, so he has no friends
• The man who was abusive with his wife for 30-odd years but wants her to “forgive and forget” now that he has admitted his error
• The man who did not maintain a good financial basis in his life but wants some kind of miracle to bail him out of his dilemma
• The man who has distrusted everyone all his life but wants to “just learn to trust” people so he can have a meaningful relationship
• The man who has been married unsuccessfully five times because he “needed” a mother figure but wants to have a companion, not a mother
• The man who used illicit and expensive drugs for 10 years but also wants to have financial security
• The man who makes a lot of money in a job he hates but doesn’t want to change jobs because he will not make as much money in a profession he would really like to do
• The man who stays legally married and as such damages his current relationship because he needs the “benefits” of his wife’s insurance

These and many more are but some of the people in my office who “want it both ways.” They want what they want and then they want something else that is not consistent with their first wants. In most cases, these people have made understandable mistakes in their lives, the things that we all do, but they don’t want to pay the price for what they have done.

Paying the price

• The two family members I mentioned above have caused great damage to me psychologically but aren’t willing to pay the price for their errors. The price would be a simple apology without justification, something that most people seem unable to do readily.
• The people who have not pursued the education necessary to achieve a place in society and in a profession that suits them don’t want to pay the price of going back to school and doing so. They would rather pay the price of unhappiness in their current lives.
• The people who entered intimate relationships honorably but somehow knowing that the relationship was not good for them. They don’t want the stigma of a divorce so they pay the price for ongoing personal unhappiness
• The man who suffered great damage from his alcoholic home, something that caused him to suffer through life so much so that his life is largely suffering and surviving, not thriving. He is unwilling to pay the price of deep therapy to heal his early wounds.
• The man of Muslim heritage and birth who has hidden his homosexuality all his life and suffered failure in relationships, family, and vocation. He isn’t willing to pay the price of rejection in order to have a meaningful life.

I think we all “want it both ways” and don’t want to “pay the price.” Paying the price for an honest, loving, and meaningful life can be huge, but there is always the price. Sometimes, the price is excessive and it is just not possible to pay the price, but I think this is rare. More often, we carry childlike beliefs that we can do as we want and not pay the price in later years. I pay the price for not attending to the potential damage to my lungs from working around asbestos. Now, I must cope with how to live with the results or find some way to rectify it. Whatever I do, I will be paying the price because I can’t have it both ways.