I must have been about 6 or 7 when my grandfather sent me downstairs in the office building where had his insurance business to plug the parking meter with a nickel. Evidently, my mother and he watched from Grandpa’s sixth story window as I came out to the sidewalk and plugged the meter. When I came back upstairs to his office, Grandpa and Mom were laughing at the fact that I had plugged the wrong meter. I protested because I knew that I had put the nickel in the right meter right next to Grandpa’s car, which, by the way, happened to be a 1952 Nash. What I didn’t know was that there was an identical car parked right in front of Grandpa’s except that Grandpa’s car was red and the other Nash was green. No one knew until that point that I was red/green colorblind. Mom and Grandpa said that my uncle Lloyd, Mom’s brother, was also color blind. What no one knew was that colorblindness, almost always a male phenomenon, comes through the mother’s side of the family. Hence, my grandson, who comes by means of my daughter, is also colorblind. My colorblindness has never been much of a problem in my life except it kept me out of being a pilot in the Air Force. The testing officer said that the buttons on planes were color coded, and they didn’t want me to push the wrong button over some city in the country. Believe it, however, I once had a patient who failed kindergarten because he couldn’t distinguish letters, which was evidently interpreted by his teacher as a “failure to learn his colors.”

Deb and I have some fun with my colorblindness, at least for the most part, but it is occasionally disappointing that I can’t actually distinguish the red roses, which in her eyes are truly beautiful, from the green leaves around them. I am sure that most people see a lot more color in life than I do, and I most certainly know that Deb not only sees a great array of colors in life, but she also sees a lot more of everything than I do. I allege that heaven will just be a lot more exciting for me because I will see colors what I have never seen in earthly life. Deb isn’t so sure. More importantly, Deb’s capacity to see things is far greater than my capacity, which has certainly given her occasional disappointment because I don’t see what she sees. Unfortunately, in our earlier years, I would say something like, “It doesn’t matter to me” or “What difference is it whether it is red or green?”, statements that had the effect of disregarding her vision, which just might be her greatest gift of sense. More on this later. What does this have to do with “seeing a person,” which is the title of this blog? Seeing a person is the groundwork for all that goes right in a relationship. If you see a person, you will understand them. If you understand them, you will love them. If you love them, you will forgive them. Let’s start with seeing and understanding.

Seeing, Understanding

One of our favorite statements made in movies is in Avatar, where Avatars greeted one another by saying, “I see you,” rather than any more typical greeting. We think that the heart of good relationships is “seeing” someone, but just what does “seeing someone” really mean? It means that you see the whole person. Granted, the expression “the whole person” is a bit subjective, but we are forced to use this terminology because we are in an arena where the most important concepts are all subjective, and hence open to interpretation or misinterpretation. We think further that it is actually impossible to “see” the whole personhood of any human being. This fact, perhaps, is the basic dilemma of human relationships: we want to see people and we want to be seen, but how we go about this seeing and being seen is fraught with danger in the form of miscommunication and misunderstanding, and ultimately to misjudgment. How we cope with this dilemma in life sets the stage for developing relationships or deteriorating relationships. In a recent blog/newsletter [DB1] we discussed the challenge of friendship as we get older, a phenomenon of many people, namely that they become increasingly lonely as they age. We’d like to make some suggestions as to how to “see” and understand people, but first consider a few real-life people:

• As noted, I (Ron) have a hard time seeing what Deb sees (physical things), particularly things green, but also other elements of nature, like rocks and fountains. She also sees manmade objects, whether these are buildings, houses, yards, or the color of my ties and shirts. Because I cannot truly appreciate what Deb sees in all things, I likewise have a hard time seeing her since much of who she is happens to be tied up with her visual acuity. So, because I can’t see what she sees physically, I am limited in my capacity to see her spiritually.
• Fred loves watching professional football. He sees every move made by players, but also how the coach is directing the game. He sees all the players on both sides of the ball, and is often more interested in the defensive moves made to steal the ball from the offense than in the offensive moves made with the ball. His wife, Janet, patiently watches football with Fred but “doesn’t care much about the game” because, after all, “it’s just a game” and she doesn’t understand how Fred can be so worked up with how some particular play works or doesn’t work. Because Janet can’t see what Fred sees in football physically, she can’t see the part of Fred that is spiritually involved in the game of football.
• The debate that rages in this country about our current President is a good example of how people see different things. Neither the Trumpist person nor the anti-Trumpist person is able to see how the opposite person sees President Trump. As a result, people do not see the person, the spiritual essence, of the Trumpist or the anti-Trumpist.
• Consider how your children see things, and in so doing, consider whether or not you see your children at a deeper level, which we call a spiritual level. Perhaps, your child is color blind and “doesn’t care about colors;” perhaps, she is a tomboy and doesn’t care about dolls like her friends or older sister. Perhaps, your child loves superheroes, or just as likely, maybe he doesn’t like them at all. Consider how the things that your children see may not be the things you see. The practical question is whether you can see spiritual nature of your children reflected in what they see and value.

Our suggestion is that if you see someone, you will understand that person. Seeing someone has to begin with accepting what you see rather than challenging what you see or even flippantly disregarding what you see. Accepting doesn’t mean liking or approving; rather accepting is allowing a difference to exist. Simple as that sounds, it is very difficult to do for many reasons, which comes from what you see and how you interpret what you see. We call this “information processing,” which has the elements of perception (seeing) and judgment (evaluating). These two psychological “functions,” as they are called, flow together; i.e. we see something and almost immediately make a judgment, an evaluation of what we have seen. The key to seeing things better is to restrain the tendency to evaluate what we have seen, but rather focus on what is seen. This could mean that you see someone’s house painted in a way that you find “atrocious,” maybe a particular choice of color or colors that you see as conflicting with each other rather than complementing each other. More importantly, you might see someone who is a Trumpist or an anti-Trumpist and almost immediately conclude that this person is right or wrong, entirely on your perception (i.e., your seeing) of Mr. Trump. More regularly, however, you might see someone’s desire to watch his favorite football team, spend time in her garden, or dress in a certain way. Notice how you might move more swiftly from what you see to what you like or don’t like about what you’ve seen.

One bit of assistance in making a shift from a judgment to true perception is through curiosity.  Instead of declaring that the house down the street is atrocious, be curious that someone finds pleasure in that design. This trick of being curious slows down the judgement, give you time to consider their perspective. You still may not like it, but you will be less inclined to an immediate judgement.

Consider this: there is always a feeling under what you see. What is this “feeling”? We have discussed and written about this undefinable, central term of human existence. You may be appalled the way someone dresses or paints their house, but notice that your emotional reaction erupted because of what you see as right and wrong. In suggesting that you restrain your judgment, we are not suggesting that there is something wrong with your judgment. Rather, we suggest that your judgment impedes your vision, impedes your being able to understand the other person.

Taking time to just see someone physically, as well as seeing what they say and what they do, leads to taking time to understand them more and so be able to more deeply see them spiritually. In a way, we are suggesting that seeing someone beyond the physical is being curious about them, rather than judgmental. You do that, and you will begin to understand the person. You still may not have the same value, be it the color of their house or who they vote for, but the difference in your perception will be more accepting and therefore less judgmental. If you can focus on seeing, you will begin to understand the person. When you begin to understand someone, a kind of magic occurs: you begin to love the person more. Then, a truly magical thing happens: you forgive them for having offended you in some way.

Loving, and Forgiving

So, seeing is loving, you ask. Well, yes, actually.  Interestingly, love actually erupts from your feelings. In fact, love might actually come to you without your knowing how you began to love this person. It just happened, so it seems. We contend that you came to love someone because you saw them and understood them, much because you restrained your natural tendency to evaluate them. Recall those times when you just spontaneously loved someone, or something and found yourself bathing in the love you had for what you saw. Do you remember the first time your saw your infant after her birth, that perfectly wonderful sunset, that perfect package of words in your speaking, or that moment when you found yourself actually loving your difficult sister in-law? You saw these people, your saw these things, you understood them, and then you loved them. Having found this rather odd love thing that erupted because you saw your friend, understood her, and loved her, you might realize that you have forgiven her.

Forgiven her? What does that have to do with it. An important philosopher/theologian (Soren Kierkegaard), confirmed by many other brilliant thinkers, suggested, quite succinctly, that “if you see someone, you will forgive them.” This might be quite simple, like “forgiving” someone for painting their house in an “awful pink” or for voting for someone you find despicable. On one level, forgiving is a form of accepting.  ou still might not like what you see, but the dislike no longer impedes you from seeing, understanding, loving…and forgiving. More importantly, you might see someone who has offended you by what s/he says or does, usually without knowing that they offended you, much less intended to offend you. Has your brother-in-law, you know the person, the guy who seems to be a not-it-all and can’t seem to listen to anybody else? If you see him, you might understand him a bit, might love him a bit more, and just might forgive him for his abrasiveness.

Practical Suggestions

1. Take a look at what you look at. Take a good look. You will see lots of things, lots of things that are physical, whether colors, or contraptions.
2. Notice that you will have a tendency to like or dislike things, which means that you judge this thing or that thing as right or wrong.
3. See if you can back up from your evaluating something as good or bad and return to the seeing this thing.
4. Now, consider someone you really like, and identify what you really like about this person. You might have a hard time doing this because if you really love this person, what s/he likes, loves, or sees is not very important. Rather, you “just love” this person. Consider that you have seen the spiritual person, understood them, and loved them. You might have also forgiven them.
5. Now consider someone you don’t particularly like, like your know-it-all brother in-law. See if you can stand back and see him physically, see what he says, what he does, or even how he handles himself physically. You might see something that you have never seen before.
6. Whether you like someone or dislike someone, see if you can see more of that person so that you can understand them, love them, and maybe just forgive them.

See more, understand more, love more, forgive more

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