September 16, 2013: Why me? Why NOT?!
A most wonderful woman returned to my office this week after not seeing her for close to 13 years. Long story short, she was dealing with “how good life is” and what is wrong with that? Funny, I thought, here is a woman who, after having gone through three years of intense psychotherapy to deal with a life threatening depression originating out of some very complex early life issues, would now come back to therapy because, in short, life is too good. Something must be wrong.
I reviewed her old chart, ran through the check list with all things tallying in the positive. She finished raising her children all of whom are independently successful and content. Her one and only (long term) husband and she are happier than they have ever been. She is enjoying financial advancement as well as administrative and peer recognition at work for her professional contribution. And, of course, I checked the old trauma material we had processed a decade plus ago and it is long dissipated, no longer in her mental and or emotional awareness. Hurrah! Kaplah (as the Klingons would say)! Mercy, what needs to be wrong for this picture to be safe? That was the point. Quite simply there is nothing wrong. Does something need to be wrong???
With cautious disclosure I told her of my working hypothesis: she is suffering from a form of survivor’s guilt. Her eyes got big, she trickled a tear and nodded her head. Life was simply too good. She admitted that her brother, a long term friend, and a co-worker, were all currently suffering from either a failed marriage, dissatisfying job, or lack of physical health. So why should she be so content? I took advantage of the opportunity to ask if she knew Nelson Mandela, which of course she did and easily verbalized the quality of his life’s contribution. I quoted from his 1994 Inaugural speech (which I have posted in my office just at the base of my monitor for quick reference): “We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World”. Another tear trickled down her face, a slight biting of her lower lip and again, the slight head nod. This is about gratitude, I said, not about worthiness or comparison. I suggested she work on noting appreciation, which, by its nature, circulates and spreads goodness and quality compared to fear of goodness which comes out of false pride (I shouldn’t have it so good because someone else is suffering). We agreed to work together for a spell of time with a concerted focus on enjoying and appreciating the goodness with which her current life is so richly endowed.
Wow, how cool is that?
~Dr Deb