I Don’t Want to Live

Ron Johnson family, Feelings, happiness, Self-Awareness, Spiritual

I have the opportunity of hearing things from people that they have never told anyone else. This is a tremendous privilege that we therapists have. Close family members, good friends, pastors, doctors, and bartenders often hear private things from people, but there is something almost sacred about the therapy office, especially after trust is established between therapist and patient, that allows for someone to say, “I never told anyone this…” and finish that statement with a story, a fear, a hope, or some kind of grief. I always listen such statements with admiration for the person who has found the courage to say out loud what he or she has thought privately for a long time.

Yesterday I heard an out loud statement from four of the six people I saw in my clinical day, and felt the same statement being said by the other two: I don’t want to live. Two of these individuals said unequivocally that they didn’t want to live, while the others needed a bit of help to admit to that feeling. Today I heard a 14-year old boy tells me that he wished he could just disappear, or that he hadn’t been born, a statement that is tantamount to “I don’t want to live.” Most of the time when I sense this “not wanting to live” feeling with someone, I need to help the individual (usually men) to admit to it. I get some resistance to admitting to this not wanting to live, understandably because it sounds so dreadful. I suggest that they feel one thing, think another, and have a third statement regarding what they might do. Thus, the three elements of human existence, thinking, feeling, and doing, show themselves in different statements:
 I don’t want to live.
 I don’t want to die, meaning I don’t want to go through the dying process.
 I certainly don’t want to kill myself.

I have found it profitable for people in some circumstances to find the courage to say these three things. People who are very depressed, those who have one or more debilitating physical illnesses, and people who are in some seemingly hopeless situation often feel this “I don’t want to live” feeling. Importantly, this statement represents a feeling, not a thought, and certainly not an act. When someone (usually a man) finds the trust, willingness, and courage to admit to this feeling, he finds a certain freedom. Indeed, for such people life has become intolerable in some way, perhaps physically, emotionally, or relationally. So I find myself in the odd place of helping say something that sounds suicidal. I have to remind the people who say such things that they have every reason to not want to live any longer. “Feelings are never wrong,” I say, but feelings are not thoughts and they are not actions. In fact, I think that I may very well have prevented some people’s suicidal thoughts or actions by helping them say that they didn’t want to live…even though they didn’t want to die and certainly didn’t want to suicide.

One of the reasons that people need a bit of help to admit to this feeling of not wanting to live is that it sounds suicidal. It isn’t. I think everyone has had such feelings at one time or another in their lives even though they might not have used these words. In most cases this not-wanting-to-live feeling comes out of some kind of long-term difficulty, whether emotional, relational, or physical. The other reason it is difficult to admit to this feeling is that no one can hear it. What family member is going to be able to affirm their loved one’s statement, “I don’t want to live”? Everyone would want to reassure the person that he or she should want to live for some reason. Family and friends would say something like, “You have your family to live for,” “You have a lot of reasons to live,” “It is a sin to kill yourself,” or “What would your children think if you killed yourself.” This theoretical interchange misses the point. We call the people who make such statements “friendly enemies,” meaning that they might very well dearly loved the desperate person, but they are not helping the person admit to the feeling that he or she has. Remember, “I don’t want to live” is a feeling, not a fact, not a thought, and not a desired action. The reasons friendly enemies have for their “you should want to live because…” are reasons. “I don’t want to live is not reasonable; it is emotional.

Yesterday was a painful day for me having heard, directly and indirectly, from so many people who didn’t want to live because life had become so intolerable. I had the opportunity to share this terrible feeling, this terribly private feeling, with these folks. And it is this sharing of such deeply personal things that makes my job both rewarding and painful. If I can help people say their feelings, however they come out, and give them a wide berth in their emotional expressions, they can then think clearly, and act reasonably. Unfortunately, at least in our Western society, it is difficult to make emotional statements because we live in such an emotionally undeveloped society. When people repress their emotions, they later blurt out in some kind of irrational thought or irrational action, and very often in some kind of irrational anger or explosion.

Kids are much better at this than adults are. They have the privilege, or should have the privilege, of just feeling, just expressing these feelings, and then usually getting over these feelings about as quickly as they came. I wonder how many kids might say, “I don’t want to live” when their parents refuse to buy them the ice cream cone they so dearly want. When my older daughter was five, we had shopped together for a few minutes and she wanted me to buy something for her. I didn’t, and she didn’t like it. On the way home in the car, she falteringly said, “I want a new daddy!” What a reasonable statement for a five-year old to say. It was the way she temporarily figured out the universe. And five minutes later when we were playing on the floor of the living room, she didn’t remember what she said. The beauty of the emotion that children express is that it is not expressed in thoughts or actions; emotion is expressed in actions or utterances, not all of which are words. We do well to teach our children. We could do well to learn from them as well.

Social Esteem

Ron Johnson Children, emotional maturity, family, Feelings, happiness, social esteem

Much has been written about self-esteem including thousands of professional journal articles and hundreds of books. When we are discussing self-esteem, we are looking at low self-esteem, namely where one does value oneself or feels inadequate in some way, or perhaps many ways. I remember doing a project in graduate school on self-esteem looking at various aspects of it including cultural differences. I remain interested in the cultural and subcultural aspects of self-esteem particularly as it is seen in America’s subcultures. Simplistically stated, there appear to be problems with low self-esteem in the Latino, Native American, and the African-American communities. Interestingly, there does not seem to be such a difficulty in the Asian subculture and communities. Caucasians seem to fall somewhere in between these two poles with some White people liking themselves and many disliking themselves.

My psychotherapy practice is largely limited to men and children. The children I see are usually brought to me, and sometimes mandated to come to see me, because of some sort of “behavioral” problem. Perhaps they are too easily or too often angered; they may tend to throw things or hit people; they may be mean to other people; they may tend to disregard property; they may resist some or all of schoolwork; they may be regularly dishonest. Interestingly, many of these so-called behaviorally challenging children seem to have good self-esteem: they like themselves. They are often happy with themselves, and enjoy life a good bit of the time. They may laugh a lot, joke a lot, and play a lot. So this phenomenon of a very challenging child who seems to like him/herself is a challenge for any therapist and certainly for parents and teachers. The problem as I see it is that many children with high self-esteem do not have good social-esteem.

What is social-esteem? It is akin to self-esteem, in which I value myself. Social esteem is valuing other people. A truly developed person has developed many areas of life, namely development in academic pursuits, vocational pursuits, relationships, and care of property. In other words a developed person cares for him/herself in conjunction with caring for other things, particularly people. Many people, for instance, properly value property so that it can be protected, used, and possibly given away. Other people value their vocations and work as evidence of a valuing of society in general and making life better. Many more people value relationships and focus their attention on what is going on between oneself and other people. We could examine all of these different kinds of “esteem,” but my focus in this article is to focus on the social-esteem aspect, and in particular, the difficulty many kids (and many adults) have valuing other people.

Note that I said valuing other people. Valuing other peole is not the same as liking people, loving peole, seeking their approval, or finding ways to relate to them. Social-esteem is seeing another person as a creation of God and hence valuable in him/herself, something to be treasured and admired in some way. Importantly, valuing other people is good for the person doing the valuing. Ultimately, valuing other people should not be an effort. It might be effortful to like someone or love them, but valuing others should come naturally.

It is not possible to have too high a self-esteem. You can’t like yourself too much because true self-esteem naturally generates social-esteem. What happens is this: as I grow in self-esteem I consequently grow in self-awareness. If I grow in self-awareness, I will simultaneously see what is good about me and what is not so good about me. I will see what I am good at and what I am not good at. So as I grow to admire what I am good at, my self-esteem grows. And at the same time I grow in humility as I see that others are good at something that I am not good at. Humility and self-esteem are natural partners in life. So if self-esteem grows, so does humility, which is based on my awareness that I am not good at some things that other people are good at. For instance, I am not good at music, art, colors, beauty; and I am only marginally good at various physical things like athletics and carpentry. Luckily, my income is not based on my athletic skill or ability in the trades, much less on my artistic (in)ability. My self-esteem, however, is not based on plumbing and basketball, much less on my artistic skill, so I can see others who are skilled in these endeavors when I am not able to perform adequately.

Social-esteem is based on self-esteem, as well as the humility that self-esteem can engender. The Apostle Paul said that one needs to have pride in oneself (Gal. 6, 4) but also watch to avoid feeling conceited (Gal. 5.26). Psychoanalyst Karen Horney said that the true origin of envy is gratitude. In other words, she said that if I truly envy the other person for his/her ability or success, I value that achievement and that other person. And if I value that other person, I will gracefully appreciate that other person with gratitude for that person’s ability or success. I will not envy that other person thinking that I should have what he or she has because what that person has is not the same as what I have.

So how does social-esteem develop, or fail to develop? Social-esteem is based on self-esteem and self-enhancement. In other words, I need to see myself as valuable by being and doing something valuable. Real self-esteem is based on achievement and success. And success in based on trial and error, namely many trials and many errors. What we see in much of society today, and with many of the children I see, is self-esteem that is built on parental approval. Oddly, many of these very challenging kids have been loved…and loved…and loved. But they haven’t been limited; they haven’t been encouraged; they haven’t been challenged. They have been loved to a fault. And love is not enough. Indeed, love is probably the basis for self-esteem: if I am loved, I will naturally feel that I am valuable. That is the start of it, and many people do not get started in this way. But for many others, they get loved and loved and loved, but they don’t get the encouragement, limitation, and challenge to develop further self-esteem based on trials and errors.

I try to help kids build their self-esteem, usually with measures of love, limitation, encouragement, and challenge. This is difficult, if not almost impossible, in a one-hour time period. I often wish I could take the kid outside and help him learn to throw a ball, paint a picture, watch a bird fly, or write a story because it is only in doing these things that kids feel great. I use the term “great” in place of good, or even successful, because greatness is not built on better than. In that same Pauline passage I quoted above, the Apostle says to avoid thinking of yourself as better than others, just great. Too much self-esteem is built on better than someone. Desiderata says it well: “Do not compare yourself with others for always there will be persons greater and lesser persons than you.”

What can be done, especially by parents, for kids without good social-esteem? An important question, but I don’t have much of a good answer because social-esteem is based on truly valuing oneself and then naturally valuing others equally. Social-esteem comes primarily from being social, namely being in the company of others kids, some of whom are better than you, some worse than you at some skill, and all of whom are working together. This is what I think is the best ingredient of group activities, whether athletic, artistic, or communal, where kids have to cooperate with teammates to succeed. Social-esteem can also be developed in any group activity where kids cooperate with one another, challenge one another, and improve in some skill or some activity.

Social-esteem is the cure for narcissism, which simply stated, is the undue care about oneself over other people. It is natural for infants and toddlers to be “narcissistic,” namely concerned about their own welfare and success. Childhood should ideally be a time when kids are given the opportunity for cooperation and competition during which they learn that they are good at some things while other kids are good at other things. Adolescence should be a time when kids (now teenagers) try out their new found skills of self-esteem and social-esteem. Adulthood should be a time when we spend more and more time concerned about others’ development based on the value of our own success and failures.

A final word of suggestion and caution: it is not helpful to tell a kid (or anyone) that he or she “doesn’t care about anybody but him/herself.” This is just a criticism, and while largely true, it is not helpful to say or to hear. Rather, a child who, indeed, seems to care primarily about him/herself needs first to build self-esteem, first by trial and error, and subsequently by developing social-esteem. This is no easy project, but it is a way of seeing the “problem” with seemingly selfish kids find a way to have both self-esteem and social-esteem.

Men’s Greatest Fear

Ron Johnson Connection, emotional maturity, marital, men's issues, mindfulness, relationships

I just finished an hour with a patient I have been seeing for some time. Andy (let’s call him Andy) has what I call the “typical male disease.” He is afraid of female disapproval. We spent much of the hour dealing with how he can honorably and gracefully deal with the disapproval he regularly gets from his girlfriend. He admits that he never had any kind of role model from men who knew how to deal with women, to say nothing of dealing effectively with their disapproval. But Andy’s difficulty is not atypical. Most men are afraid of female disapproval, and many are desperately afraid of it. Andy, like most men, didn’t present the situation as a fear of disapproval, but like most men, talked quite a bit how Sherry tends to criticize, challenge, and sometimes verbally assault him. His was a rather typical desire to “figure out” what to say and how to debate with Sherry about the things she says to him. His desire was to find out how he could combat her arguments, make sense of what she was saying, and render an appropriate response to her attacks. No such luck. Responding to female criticism with rational and facts never works.

Now I admit that Andy is a bit of an extreme form of “typical male” because he developed an unfortunate capacity of lying and fabricating that is not all that uncommon with men. Lying is one of the typical ways men deal with female disapproval. Perhaps “lying” is a bit strong because sometimes it is just not telling the entire truth, or saying something that the man hopes will be true in the future. Lying is just one of the ways men tend to have for avoiding dealing with female disapproval. Other ways include what amount to excesses: excesses in things like alcohol, eating, working, playing, watching TV, and sleeping. And very often men tend to fly right off the handle when they hear some kind of criticism from the women in their lives. Or they avoid conversation entirely and hole up in their man caves. Many of these typical male-like avoidances develop because men don’t really know how to talk, especially about feelings, and especially about feelings to women.

Talking to women can be very different than talking to men. I often tell men, like I did with Andy and with another man I saw today, that they have not had enough (female) disapproval to learn how to handle it. For the most part women experience a great deal of disapproval during their adolescent years, largely verbal, while we men usually experience disapproval with what they have done, like sports and academics. Our relationships with people, particularly men, are not word-based, but rather action-based. We can hear criticisms and challenges about the things we do (or don’t do), but we rarely hear criticisms or gossip about who we are, how we look, how much we weigh, and who we happen to be going with. So we men do not come into adulthood ready for criticism about what we say and what we don’t say, and generally are quite ill-prepared for dealing with women who have had much more experience with criticism that is word-based and person-based rather than action-based.

This lack of experience with being criticized, or analyzed, or “helped” by females does not serve us well in our romantic relationships. Men are quite ill prepared for being challenged. It very often hits a man like a thousand of brick when his girlfriend, lover, or wife challenges him about what he has said, what he has not said. For a woman, I think, it is just a matter of course to challenge the man in her life and expect some kind of discussion or debate like she may have had with her girlfriends growing up. It seems to the man that when a woman comes after him with some kind of challenge or criticism, that she is “finding fault with him” or criticizing him unfairly whereas she is simply done what she has done with her girlfriends…and enemies.

The results of this bad mix of a person (the male) who has lived a life mostly oriented towards things physical and factual to be confronted by a person (the female) who likely has spent more time in the realm of talking, discussing, challenging, and exploring…and of course, feeling. When a man hears that his wife, partner, or girlfriend is “hurt,” he usually doesn’t know what to do. First, men try to “fix” what happened; then they try to explain what happened or what was said; and then they avoid the discussion altogether. Eventually, men get angry and say something crude to the woman, which only makes matters worse. The situation is something like this: Female: “I am just trying to help you (by telling you what is wrong with you),” but the man hears “what is wrong with him,” and certainly doesn’t understand that the woman is trying to “help” him. So he goes into fixing, explaining, avoiding, or angering. And when he reaches this last place, he is in real trouble because he will be louder, likely use more swear words, possibly throw something, and maybe make some outlandish statement. I think the man has no clue what has happened, and the woman equally has no clue to how she actually started this arrange. The man is hurt but doesn’t know it. The woman has, indeed, been critical, but doesn’t know it.

When I see women in my office, I usually immediately hear all kinds of feelings together with all kinds of diagnoses. A woman I just saw for the purposes of a Social Security disability assessment told me that she suffers from ADD, PTSD, OCD, depression, and anxiety. There is also this unfortunate propensity to find a psychological diagnosis to explain life’s difficulties in the culture at large, but women are much more inclined to use such diagnostic terms to “understand” themselves and others. Men tend to be much less so inclined. So when a woman kindly says to her boyfriend that he suffers from OCD or something, she thinks that this helps the man. It does no such thing. It only makes him defensive. How many men have been diagnosed as alcoholic…when they were truly alcoholic…only to defend their drinking as normal? Diagnoses of all kinds rarely help an individual understand him/herself. Diagnoses only put people in boxes…and keep them in boxes with minimal chance of growing.

So what is to be done? Let me offer some simple suggestions, largely oriented towards the man as he encounters a female that he likes, loves, or lives with:
–Realize that the woman is truly trying to help when she criticizes.
–Realize that when she “helps” you with some criticism or diagnosis, this “help” hurts you. It is very important to know that criticism always hurts. And “hurt” is not a word that is in most men’s vocabulary. It should be. Women do not have any monopoly on hurt, and we men need to nudge ourselves into the hurt arena.
–Remember whenever you have become angry, you have been hurt. This is no easy task, and you might have to do it post hoc.
–Do your best to slow the conversation down. We men just don’t go as fast and furious with feeling words of any kind…except for anger, unfortunately.
–Acknowledge the woman’s superiority in feelings and in words. While you may be better at other things, the woman is almost certainly better at words and feelings.
–You may need to slow down the conversation as you try to find “hurt” and such in place of anger, defense, avoidance, or fixing. Your female friend will not understand this need to slow down the conversation. You might say, “Just give me a second to get my thoughts and words together. I don’t want to blow off what you are saying. And I am trying hard to find what I really feel so we can communicate.
–Note that the previous suggestions will take months to learn to do