love

I see a lot of men in my office who are independent by nature, and I know a few more in my acquaintances and friendships. Independence is a truly remarkable personality trait that I admire and respect. Usually, independent men (and women, of course) cut their own lines in the earth, live by their own drummers, so to say, and are responsible. More often than not, these men work for themselves often creating some business from nothing and find success in the world of work if not without challenges, setbacks, and mistakes. In fact, one of the distinct characteristics of independent people is that they are not heartbroken by such twists in the road and find ways to pick up the pieces and start again. In this blog I want to unpack these characteristics and other traits that independent people have, compare independence to dependence that is a hallmark of many other people, examine some of the challenges that they face I life, and then focus on the particular challenges that they have in maintaining relationships.

Characteristics of independent people

• Hard-working. These folks often work way beyond the standard 40-hour week. Companies love these them because they work late, take work home, and work efficiently. I know of few who work anything less than 60 hours a week and I know of one CPA who worked 80 to 90 hours during tax season.
• Driven. Since most of them have their own businesses, they work even harder than other folks do. They don’t need someone pushing them; they push themselves.
• Successful. While success may come late to some of these men, usually they find it early in life and continue finding new challenges, new failures, and new successes
• Self–critical. They tend to be hard on themselves for not doing the right thing all the time, having wasted time on a failed project, or just not meeting their own expectations.
• Quality or quantity. Most independent people are quality-based while some are quantity-based. These are different ways some men go about life. Usually, they work to perfect their product, whatever that might be. The quantity-based guys are better at accepting less-than-perfect for their value of getting lots of things done, perhaps not all with quality.
• Outspoken. They speak their minds and are not deterred by rejection, or so it seems. They have opinions and are not afraid to share them. Indeed, there are introverted independent guys but even these guys tend to speak their minds more than the introverted who is caught by fear of disapproval.
• Work alone. They prefer to go about their lives, work, play, and relationships on their own for the most part. Indeed, some independent fellows have one or two people working for them, or even a score or more, but even in these situations, they prefer to work alone, whether on the jobsite or in their office
• Interested. These guys are usually looking ahead at something that they can do. They can get bored easily and avoid boredom by thinking of new and different things that they can do. Again, this could be with work, play, or relationships.

Examples of independent men

• N.B.: identifying characteristics of these guys have been altered while trying to stay true to the essence of what they do in their lives.
• Sam. Sam is now retired after a very successful position in the field of recreation training. Previously, he had been in a helping profession, and now he has a developing profession that is only marginally related to what he did before. He has never been married but has had several unsuccessful relationships including one early in his life that may have been the love of his life.
• Ben. Ben is an independent businessman in the trades although he is also a general contractor, buys and sells property, and is always on the lookout for a new deal. I see him with his wife of some years with all the challenges of relational life (see below).
• Peter. Like Ben, Peter has been unsuccessful in his relationships but is still working on it. He worked hard to get through college and immediately started his own business, which now is quite successful, something few men achieve by age 35.
• Bill. Bill was actually brilliant but brilliance didn’t lend itself to doing the necessary in school because he was interested in learning, not producing. He tried sales, working for his father, and drove a cab until he found a way to develop a counseling business despite that fact that he only had a B.A. and certainly not licensed. Bill also had several failed relationships and finally ended up married to a pretty psychologically impaired woman.
• Butler. Early in life Butler decided that he wasn’t going to take any crap from anyone having taken a lot of it from his alcoholic father. He never worked for himself but found a way into a profession for the paycheck. He came into my office with the proverbial female hand in his back and seemed to profit from coming here, but eventually his wife could no longer tolerate his tendency to get angry so easily.
• Pat. You wouldn’t know that Pat is independent because he has learned to accommodate to everyone around him. Yet at his deepest heart Pat is a person who would really want to do what he does without any interference. Now a doctoral student in a challenging field and at a challenging university, he is finding his way to be truer to himself, which means learning and ultimately writing in his profession.
• Craig. Craig is a Buddhist chaplain after having been a successful musician and previously an enlisted man in the military. He came to me because of some questions in his marriage, which ultimately blew up in his face a few months later. While brilliant and certainly independent, he is finding his way in a new relationship but with trepidation because of previous failures.
• Perry. Perry is an engineer whom I first met when he lost his best friend, mentor, and boss at the company he worked for. This led to a couple of other failed work relationships, not because of his lack of skill and work but he couldn’t seem to fit in. He has been unsuccessfully married for many years, a marriage that was not well-conceived and hence not well-developed.
• Kelsy. He is a young man who just barely passed high school despite his evident brilliance. He just stopped doing what everyone wanted him to do, mostly in school, but found that he didn’t know what he wanted to do because he was so good at pleasing. He will be taking a year off to find himself.
• Jacob. Jacob in a physician now but started out as an engineer. His private practice is barely making it despite his intelligence, drive, integrity, and general capability in his profession. He is in the process of getting divorced, perhaps largely because his investments were made without consent of his wife, and often without her knowledge.
• Paul. Paul has actually never worked for himself but he might have done better had he do so because he has worked in many settings, all in his profession, and none of them has ever worked out for him. He is perhaps one of the most intelligent people I have ever met and is also very likable because of his connection-based nature. Yet, he has also failed to develop and sustain a female relationship

Challenges for independent men

• Going it alone to a fault. While it is in the nature of independent people to do their own thing, work alone, and work hard, it is not in their nature to cooperative, compromise, and collaborate. Usually, they have been so successful in their work lives (although not all as noted above), they do not have the ability to truly listen to others and find a path forward that is good for all.
• Failed relationships. This is almost a given with every independent man I have ever known. The love, often deeply, but their love is quite personal, not so much interpersonal. They can give but usually find themselves giving in because the wheels of giving and taking are not well oiled. Some get angry, some become addicted, some just avoid, but few of these men really know how to do the stuff that it takes to live with someone who doesn’t have the same perspective that they do.
• Anger and its cognates. This could be “frustration,” irritability, complaining about people, or just plain unhappiness.
• Lost opportunities. Several of the men I identified above have failed to go with the right job, the right school, or the right woman, and paid a dear price for that failure. Often, they were looking for the perfect school, job, or woman; otherwise, they just couldn’t pull the lever because they weren’t sure of the choice. They were looking for perfection
• Not trusting their intuition. The jobs, school, and relationships that men got into that weren’t good for them is because they didn’t trust that this thing was not good for them even though I hear years later that they “really knew” that this job, woman, or school was wrong.

Not everyone is independent

While not the purpose of this blog, there are people who are very good at depending on others, cooperating, compromising, and giving in. As you might expect, however, these people tend to give in more than they give and up in some kind of job, relationship, or elsewhere not wanting to be there but not knowing how to get out. A lot has been written about the so-called “codependent” person, a term that is not in my vocabulary, because the individual who is allegedly codependent is usually dependent on a person who is addicted to something, and so the both of them are dependent on different things.

Suggestions for independent people

• Affirm your independence, realizing that this is a wholly good thing, a godly thing, and a gift that you have been given and/or developed on your own. Most people don’t have what you have. You are not afraid of disapproval, at least on the surface, which gives you a leg up on most people.
• Look to develop appropriate dependence. This means finding what I call the “N word”, not the one you’re thinking of, but “need.” You don’t “need” people, which is good, but you really do need people, just not the way you think of it. You need people to add to your nature, with whom to cooperate and compromise. This is not easy for you to do, and it does not mean giving in.
• Avoid the tendency to give in. Because you can do almost anything, you can too easily do what you shouldn’t dl: give in. Give all you want, all you have, your left arm, or your life. But don’t give in. Giving is godly; giving in is not. You will pay a heavy price.
• You will not find an independent person just like you. You will find independent people who are like you in wanting to do their own thing, but you won’t find someone, whether lover, friend, or coworker, who sees the world the way you see it. Give up on finding this perfect person. You might be lucky enough to find a woman who is independent, but likely she is just as stubborn as you are in the way she sees things.
• Ultimately, you have to add to your independent nature, but you aren’t good at this. You might just muse about how you are lonely, unhappy, or looking for the perfect person (job, play), and give up on that idea and look for a good person, a good job, or a good place to live. Then you can make it better…and great