Spiritual

Passion, Purpose, and Product

Ron Johnson appreciation, Feelings, mindfulness, Opportunity, Self-Awareness, Spiritual

A good life is a life that produces something. I have to very careful here because “producing” doesn’t necessarily mean some kind of physical product, like the infamous “widget.” A product may be an idea, perhaps an idea that changes the world, or at least part of the world, for good. The product might be interpersonal, where someone is meaningfully helped in life. The product might be some kind of physical movement, like dance, drama, or chiropractic where the movement is good for people. And, of course, the product might be some kind of widget. A life without a product is not worth living. Sadly, many people do not have a product in their lives despite their having worked very hard at something or as the result that they haven’t worked very hard at something. Let’s start with passion.

Passion

Let me explain these three words before I say more about the product. First, the passion. Passion is one of those words that is undefinable, like I have written about before, most importantly the words feeling, love, wisdom, meaning, and many other psychological/philosophical terms. Recall the known universe is composed of (at least) three undefined terms: time, distance, and mass. We all know what time and distance are, and we might say that mass is something like physical stuff (sorry physicists; I’m doing my best here). We know what these elements are but they are not defined. Velocity is defined as distance over time, but distance and time are not defined. Likewise, feelings, as we use the term is that which emanates from our inner self or soul, but there I have used another undefined term. All of this talk is about the centrality of many concepts and words that represent those concepts that are real but undefined. Passion is undefined although we know what it is and we know what it does, just like we understand feelings, time, and love.

Passion is some kind of mixture of feelings that themselves are comprised of the four elements of feelings: physical sensation, emotion, cognition, and activity. One has passion when he or she “feels” a desire for something good. God for the person and good for others. Thus, passion leads to something good…or ideally should lead to something good. We may have passion for a football team, a country, physical work, play, or any number of ideas, things, or activities. We can even have passion for something that is not real, like a TV character who somehow inspires us to this undefined element of passion. If we don’t have passion, we can never have a product. Many people fail to find a passion in life. I am dealing with such a person in my current practice.

Jake has no interest in anything. He likes to play video games and is often on his cell phone playing or rambling through the Internet, but he has no interest in doing anything good. I’m sure, somewhere down inside of him, he has a real core self that is pure and godly, but beyond this esoteric understanding of Jake, I see no interest in anything that has any lasting value. He is like many young men: he likes sex and he likes money, but even these likes are quite fleeting because he has neither at the present time because he doesn’t know how to nurture his passion. Jake came to me because he was “depressed” but that word, that diagnosis, does him no good because it is just a statement of his lacking passion. On the other hand, I know many men who have very specific passions in life including boating, fishing, hunting, dancing, playing golf, interpersonal connectedness, raising children, working hard at a secretarial job, gardening, and writing. My own primary passion these years if for writing although I am equally passionate about therapy and a few other secondary passions like basketball and minor carpentry. Passion is great, but passion is not enough. You have to have purpose.

Purpose

While passion is undefined and something you can only understand by observation and by feeling, purpose is quite specific. Simply put, purpose is the drive that put passion to work so that there can be a product. Purpose is movement, whether by mind or body, that pushes one’s passion into something real and meaningful. I have to be careful about using the term “real” here because real could be quite esoteric, like an idea that could change the world, or it could be real like painting a house. I know, for instance a professional painter who is passionate about his work and can’t wait until he can return to “the wall,” as he calls it. The purpose of John’s passion is to pain well and finish well. Likewise the purpose I have in this present blog is to be of some service, but as I write these words, I have not completed a product, which will hopefully be a document of some use to someone.

Sam is a really smart guy. He is also an analyst by nature (you’ll have to read the analyst blog), which means that he loves problems to solve. The other day I was with him in a situation that had a kind of conundrum, which perplexed him but also intrigued him. The dilemma we had at the moment had no significant value in the world at large, but it consumed Sam for the moments that we were uncertain as to what we should do in the situation we were in. At first, I thought I could recommend a course of action, namely how I saw the dilemma, but he would have none of it because he was so taken by the problem that he could have spent hours just contemplating what he (or we) should do. I gave Sam as much time as I could genuinely give him and then said that I thought it was best that he take his course of action. He was slightly upset with me because I evidently didn’t want to muse about what he (we) might do. Many people are like Sam, musing, thinking, feeling, dreaming, wondering, or analyzing. Behind their musing and such is a deep passion for something. In Sam’s case, his passion is to solve problems. But to my mind he has never solved any significant problem in his life and has spent hours and years musing. Some people get lost in the things they own but they are not really passionate about things, while other people are passionate about relationships while not having any, and still others are passionate about ideas but never find one that leads to a product.

I also know of many people who have passion and purpose and go farther with it. Fist, however, before they actually do anything, they achieve some sort of skill at the doing this passion. I have a friend my age who is passionate about several things, one of which is water skiing. A couple years ago he water skied some 100-plus times over the summer. Furthermore, he is passionate about helping people learn to water ski and even more passionate about have weekly get-togethers where everybody talks, plays, eats, and water skies. I know of a man who is passionate about matters theological, another matters psychological, and another matters that have to do with construction. In all of these man there is some product, whether intellectual, relational, or physically productive. While many men get stuck in the first stage because they don’t have passion to do anything, many more get stuck in the second stage because they are willing to step forth and produce something.

Product

As central as passion is as a reflection of one’s soul, and as fun as it is to muse and consider this passion and what might be done with it, life is ultimately not meaningful if one does not have a product. As noted, the product be of almost any form, but it has to be something more than passion, which is beautiful, and purpose, which is fun. That having been said, it takes a number of things to move from passion and purpose to product. In a nutshell, it takes trial and error, or more accurately, many trials and many errors. Even more importantly, it takes the difficult experience of being misunderstood, misjudged, corrected, or challenged. You see why so few people get beyond passion and purpose: no one likes to make mistakes and no one likes to be criticized. Let me put some meat on the bones of this passion leads to purpose leads to product.

  • Mahatma Gandhi was a failure for most of his life. He failed in South Africa where his work began. He failed in India for decades. He failed in keeping India united instead of splitting into Pakistan and India. But his passion led to purpose, which in turn led to product: the freeing of 600 million Indians from British rule.
  • Martin Luther King was largely a failure. We remember his “dream” speech, which was wonderful, of course, and the peace marches he led. But he did not succeed during his lifetime, and his legacy continues strong where his product is still unfolding.
  • Sojourner Truth, a very significant Black woman in the 19th century who said, “Ain’t I a woman?” when questioned about her beliefs. Read about her. She had passion, purpose, and did something.

But the people who actually do something, actually have a product in their lives don’t have to be these well-known people. Most are not well-known, nor do they want to be. They just want to do something important, something good in life, maybe like:

  • Helping a challenged child learn to walk or talk
  • Be a recovering alcoholic and help others to recover
  • Write a song that is good for one person, one family, or one country

May you find your passion in life, purpose to do something, and then do something. People will love you. People will hate you. But it’s not about people loving or hating you. It is about the passion that God has given you that needs to be given to the world in the form of product.

Wanting It Both Ways

Ron Johnson Discovery, Feelings, grief, mindfulness, morality, Self-Awareness, Spiritual

I recently had a therapeutic hour with a patient who “wants to have it both ways.” I know exactly how he feels because I have had the same desires, as have many people who privilege me by coming to my office for my presence and counsel. Let me explain what “wanting it both ways” means. It means that you want two things, both valuable, that are incompatible. Like, I would like to have a million dollars and I don’t want to do what it might take to make a million dollars. I don’t exactly know what it would take for me to make a million dollars, but I suspect that if I did what millionaires do, I might be able to do it. I have a patient whom I recently saw together with his wife. During the conversation, which included finances, the man said that they had lost a million dollars during the recent economic turndown and stock market decline. A million dollar loss, I thought; what does that mean about what this man is worth? My conclusion, if my figuring is correct, is that the stock market is down about 25% and so losing a million dollars that suggests that this man (and his wife) used to be worth 4 million. Interestingly, this man reported to me that he often worked 80 and 90 hours a week to build his independent business. He evidently did this for many years and now a man of about 60, he is hoping for an early retirement and bask in the sunshine. So, here we have guy who’s worked his ass off for like 30 years and made his millions. What has been the cost? Why do you think I’m seeing his wife and him in my office? Is it not obvious? He has worked and worked but he has not put anything like 90 hours a week into his relationship with his wife and kids (now grown). He hasn’t put 9 hours into a relationship with his wife. Now, what he has done is quite remarkable, if we singularly see that he has made millions of dollars by his blood, sweat, and tears. But the cost has been the marriage. I am now working with people who are not only substantially different in personality. He is an ESTJ and caretaker/analyst temperament; she is ENFP and lover/player temperament for those of you familiar with such things. These differences have never been noticed, much less appreciated with the result that they have been unhappy together for years if not decades. The more remarkable thing about this scenario is that this hard-working, intelligent and honest man seems to think that the millions he has made should offset the lack of any kind of depth relationship with his wife. He wants it both ways: work all the time and make his millions, and then expect that his wife would honor, respect, and “appreciate” him, as he has often said. Not going to happen. He can’t have it both ways. He can’t have his millions, wrought by his hard work, and have a meaningful relationship with his wife. He really doesn’t get it…yet. We’re still working on it. By the way, his wife, as noticed by her personality type and temperament, also wants it both ways: she wants the millions but also wants a relationship. This man and wife collectively “have it both ways,” but one of them has the millions while the other has the desire for an intimate relationship.

“Wanting it both ways” covers a multitude of sin, meaning multitude of situations where people seem to think that they can have two things that are incapable. We have recently taken the responsibility of caring for our 14-year old grandson due to a complex set of circumstances, agreeing to this arrangement for a period of a few months, or less if it work out well. My grandson is bright, loving and kind, but he has no interest in doing any kind of work, no real passion, no direction, nor any purpose in life. He is effectively 7 years old emotionally and socially, meaning that he wants to play all the time like typical 7-year olds want to do. Nothing wrong with wanting to play all the time, but by the time you’re 14, you would think that you would have some understanding that life is a combination of work and play, that those two elements are intrinsically related, and come to grips with the fact that you have to work to play. Unfortunately, he has not learned this fact, so he tolerates work of any kind, always looking to race through it and get back to playing. There are many other children that are in this situation, almost always due to indulgent parents who didn’t provide the balance of loving and limiting. I wrote a blog (and a book) that I entitled “The 4-8-12 Child” that describes many children. My grandson got too much loving and not enough limiting, or perhaps more accurately, not a balance of the two. He wants it both ways: play all the time and have the privileges that only work can provide, like money, success, and a spirit of pride in work.

The wanting it both ways phenomenon comes in many forms, not only in adults and children as illustrated, but with one’s own life. Another man that I see is also very bright with a deep sense of intuition, particularly about other people. It may be his most important gift.  Recently, I had a conversation with him in which we talked about how he is able to “know” something about other people. He would like the privilege of telling people what he “knows” about them. He would also like to have the security that he will not hurt the other person, much less be rebuffed by the other person. Additionally and importantly, if he “knows” something about someone and says what he knows, he might actually discover that he sees only part of the picture of the other person. So his intuitive knowledge, while accurate, may be one of several matters that are relevant to the other person. This might be like someone telling me that I did not  put together colors in my attire for the day, and then telling me that the colors were out of sync without knowing that I am color blind and do not see colors the way most people see them. Now, it could be that I could profit from my friend’s analysis of my color scheme for the day, but it would be equally possible that I would be offended, perhaps depending on what else was going on in my day. So this individual who would like to be able to “know” something about other people, speak his intuitive knowledge, and be confident that his speaking will be well received, is not possible. He can have it one way or the other. In other words, he can speak his intuitive knowledge and take the consequences, which are unknown. Or he can keep his knowledge to himself and take the consequences. The consequences, by the way are, on the one hand, the distinct potential of hurting or harming the other person, or on the other hand, failing to say something to this person that might be life enhancing or even lifesaving. He would like it both ways. Nothing so out of the ordinary to want “your cake and eat it too,” but you can’t have both.

I would like to be able to be face-to-face with everyone during this time of medical caution during the Covid crisis. I really don’t want to do mostly conference calls with patients although I have already done three this week. I do them because it is required of some people to do them, whether out of state, out of city, or simply by individual choice. So, I can’t have it both ways, i.e. see patients face-to-face and occasionally shake hands or hug some of them, and take the chance of acquiring, or God forbid, spreading some kind of disease. I have to decide how I shall meet this current crisis.

I am not the only person who has to decide how to acknowledge that we can’t have it both ways despite the desire to do so. We all have to make this kind of decision every day: speak or don’t speak, hug or don’t hug, laugh or don’t laugh, swear or don’t swear, tell the truth or tell a while lie out of respect for the other person, and many more such difficult decisions. I think, however, it is not a “decision” so much as it is a discovery of what we should do in situations when we want it both ways. To discover is to listen to one’s inner spirit, not so much one’s thoughts, not one’s emotions, not one’s normal way of going about life. Inner spirit is never wrong, but it is deathly hard to see, feel, trust, and act upon. Then, when I have trusted my inner spirit and discovered which way I should turn in a certain situation, I will then be sad. Why will I be sad? Because I will have lost one opportunity for the sake of the other. If I force a hug on someone who might not like it, it might be good for him or bad for him, but if I think it is necessary to hug him, I will need to take the consequences of my action. The only way I can discover whether I should hug him or not is to find, trust, and follow my inner spirit.

If we can’t have it “both ways,” what can we have? We can discover which of two (or perhaps three or four) ways to go: speak or not speak, move or not move, hug or not hug, swear or not swear. What are we trying to discover? We are trying to discover what it right to do. How do we know what is right? By find, following, and trusting our inner spirit, a spirit that is never wrong. While the spirit is never wrong, the words, lack of words, action, or lack of action, might be wrong in some way. So, if I have discovered what is right, I must conclude that it is right for all concerned. Einstein said that the universe is “friendly” and God is not chaotic, or as Desiderata says it, “whether or not it is clear to you, the world is unfolding as it should.” The “right” may be hard on you or good for you, hard on the other person or good for him, or maybe a mix of all of these. Finding the right means pushing away any and all concern about what you think and feel, as well as any concern about what other people might want and feel to find the “right” thing to do. You can learn from your thoughts and your feelings, but then put them aside and do the right thing.

You will not succeed in this endeavor. By this I mean that you will do your best to find the right thing to do, and then sadly, realize that you didn’t trust your spirit enough, listen intently enough, said poorly constructed words, or taken action that was not entirely thought through. But you will have done your best: speak or not speak, acted or not acted. And whatever discovery you made for words or action, you will most assuredly be sad. You will be sad because you can’t have it both ways, whatever these two ways might have been. Deb and I have written about the centrality of sadness in life and have proposed that of the four basic emotions (joy, sadness, fear, and anger), sadness is the most important because it is based most squarely on love and the loss of love. We eventually lose everything that we love, whether property, person, or idea. An important part of maturity is coming to grips with this essential nature of human existence. The more you become familiar with taking action (or not), speaking (or not) and taking the natural consequences of these words and actions, the more frequently you will be sad, and most importantly, the shorter this sadness will be.

So, go forth into the realm of uncertainty. Do as Luther suggested when asked how one could find God’s will: “study thoroughly, pray fervently, ask wise people, and then sin boldly.” “Sin boldly” means going forth into the unknown, but with confidence that you have done your best to trust your inner spirit where God most certainly resides.

Angels Unaware

Ron Johnson appreciation, emotional maturity, Feelings, grief, Spiritual

When I began to write this blog, I misspelled the title of this blog with “Angers” instead of “Angels,” which is what I intended to write. This mistake seemed to fit with the essence of what I have to say about “angels,” not “angers.” It makes me wonder if anger and angels are opposites that are sometimes mistaken for each other….

The quote comes from the New Testament book of Hebrews (13.2) in which the author suggests that gifts are to be given generously because the recipient of such a gift might be someone special. The exact quote is, “Don’t neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” This verse follows the first verse in the chapter where the author suggests that we love the people we already know, now adding that it might be good to love people that we don’t know. It is interesting that the book of Hebrews is the only biblical written by an anonymous author.

Deb and I have not so much been the givers of hospitality to strangers, but having been the recipients of hospitality as strangers, perhaps to “angels unaware.” These “angels” are yet in our minds and hearts, perhaps forever, but certainly over the past three months, months that have been ones of grieving, sharing grief, recovering from grief, and certainly not entirely finishing grief over the loss of our daughter, Krissie who died on August 21st of this year. Allow me to tell you of some of these “angels.” I must admit I am unsure of the order of these appearances, but perhaps there is no “order” to such things that are heavenly sent.

Deb and I, “low boundary” (P people for those of you familiar with the Myers-Briggs) as we are, took a trip “west” a few weeks ago. We told our friends that we were going “west,” which usually led to “where,” to which we usually responded in repetition, “West.” Again, some people found it necessary to ask, “West, where?” to which we responded again with “West.” Yes, we wanted to go “west” but had no idea of “where west” or how far west. We weren’t entirely sure we were going west, but had concluded that we would travel on one of our favorite roads, U.S. Highway 2 that runs just south of the Canada border crossing various states along the way. We had wanted to visit several spots, one or two in particular and started in northern Minnesota.

It was in this very special spot near Bemidji, MN where we had perhaps the richest “angel experience.” Just south of Bemidji you can visit a state park that includes the headwaters of the Mississippi River. This is quite fun because the Great River actually starts with a one foot waterfall that is about 20 feet across, so you can “walk across the Mississippi River” if you want to do so. Deb and I spent some delightful time at the headwaters, then headed back to park station to check for books and such and while heading out towards the car Deb said “I am not done, let’s go back and cross the waters”. So, we did, and again, it was great. We then decided to talk a short walk on one of the trails which, of course, in the autumn was rick in scent and color. As we neared the path to the waters. one of us, we don’t know which, said out loud what the other was obviously thinking and feeling – this would be a wonderful place to “let some of Krissie go”. It wasn’t even an agreement, it was more of a spontaneous spiritual discovery, and so I went back to the car to get some of Krissie’s cremains. As I came back to the headwaters, Deb greeted me and said she had found just the place. Whether due to our spontaneity or by God’s design for us, when we got to the headwaters with Krissie in hand, there was the angel unaware. We were unaware that she was an angel and I doubt she knew that she was an angel. Deb looked around briefly for someone who might be willing to take some picture and spotted a woman who was just standing near the pool and went up to her and inquired “might I ask a favor? Would you take a picture of us, our daughter died and…” before Deb could finish her explanation of intent, the woman put her hands to her heart, began crying and then fully embraced Deb with a lingering hug. Then with me beside her, she looked at both of us and exclaimed “I am so sorry for your great loss”. “Thank you for asking me, it is such a privilege to do this with you”. She took Deb’s phone and we waded into the waters holding hands.  We each let Krissie go and then still hand in hand, we both let some of her go simultaneously.  We cried and hugged in the water, in fact forgetting that an angel was there for us.  When we came back out of the water, this picture-taking, hug-giving, compassionate angel handed back our phone and again, said “thank for this honor to be a part of your daughter’s journey”. We were hugged again by this picture-taking, hug-giving, compassionate angel and departed having been the recipient of this angel unawares. We know not her name, her face, nor her station in life. Perhaps she has a heavenly station.

Deb and I had a somewhat similar encounter when we were hiking on a trail not far from our “up north” cabin, a  hike that we had many times  taken with Krissie and her children over the many years we had the pleasure of Krissie and her children at the  cabin. Again, we were scattering some of Krissie over a much larger waterfall, this time in northern Wisconsin. After we scattered Krissie, a young woman, observing our embraces inquired if it would be too much of an intrusion if she took our picture for us, commenting on our tenderness. Again, Deb engaged her with appreciation and began to explain “Yes, please, that would mean more than you can know, we just let some of our daughter’s ashes go…”  the words were barely out of her mouth before that young woman, Erica, immediately spoke to her friend about 15 feet away, “Ashely, come, we need to pray!” Ashley didn’t even blink an eye, came right up and followed Erica’s lead, forming a foursome of hand holding. These two women, probably close to Krissie’s age, prayed for us and for Krissie and all who loved and knew her. Again, we don’t know much about these two praying angels, but we know they ministered to us in ways unfathomable.  Ashely and Erica, along with the woman at the headwaters will forever be in our hearts.

I was walking out of my office a few weeks ago, walking a bit slower now, and was nearly at the door of the lobby that enters the stairway to the outside of the office building. As I walked by, a friendly older woman looked up at me, smiled, and wished me a good evening.” That small gesture somehow affected me emotionally as I started to walk downstairs, but then I found that I needed to return to the third floor and “finish” this encounter. So I did just that, walked upstairs, opened the lobby door and said to this unknown woman, “May I just say, ‘thank you’ for your kind gesture.’ My daughter recently died and…,” and just as before, this woman previously (and since then) unknown to me, stood up and asked if she could hug me, and said, as so many other angels have said, “I’m so sorry.” We looked at each other’s eyes, both of us misty, and said nothing else.” I wished her a good day.

There have been so many of these brief angel moments, most of them similar with the hand-to-heart, gasp of “I am so sorry” and the must-hug response. Deb had several of them in her favorite coffee haunts: Starbucks.  First, just days after Krissie died she was in line in a store not her usual, and the barista asked how her day was going. Deb, still so distraught but not wanting to explain just said “hard day”.  The barista paused, looked at her and asked, are you okay? Deb hesitantly began “my daughter died a few days ago….” Then somewhat to Deb’s surprise the lady was gone! It was but seconds before Deb realized she had walked around the counter and was putting her arms around her. In hindsight, Deb seems to think that the barista floated over the counter for it was so immediate.  Again, about a month ago Deb was in her favorite Starbucks close to our Monona office and saw one of the baristas she had not seen for a while and began chatting and learned that the barista had recently been appointed manager. As the short conversation ensured, Blaire, knowing Deb travels a bit, asked if she had been anywhere, or if anything special had been happening in her life.  Deb told her about Krissie having died a couple of months earlier and that was all it took. Blaire asked Deb if she could come around the counter and hug her. Yes indeed, you may, yes indeed.

This very morning in church, I had two male friends come up to me, ask genuinely how I was, both hugging me, one kissing me on the cheek.” A Sunday morning three months ago, just after Krissie’s death, I happened to be in church on a day I was scheduled to preach but was replaced by the friend who kissed me today. He spoke that day that he was pleasantly surprised to see me in church. I felt moved, bowed my head, and without any preparation was surrounded by no less than six or seven men who put their hands on me as David said a few words in my behalf from the pulpit. Angels aware, I guess.

Other angels aware came in the form of emails, cards, letters, and texts, but even there, there might have some who were “unaware” as occasionally, Deb or I would say to the other, “Who is this Kenny who sends his condolences” when we opened a card together. We don’t know Kenny.  He obviously knows us, as all angels know us all.

Thanks to all, aware and unaware.