Liberal’s Moral Dilemma

We liberals are not as moral as we might think. Worse yet, conservative America has just voiced their belief that the Republican Party has the corner on morality. Certainly, most liberal readers of this document will wonder how I could possibly suggest that conservatives are more moral than liberals. Well, it depends on the definition of morality, and to some degree ethics.

I recently read The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt, a psychology professor who integrates psychology, morality, religion, and politics. Importantly, he has been a lifelong political liberal and served for a time on the Bill Clinton staff. I was put onto this book by the editor of The Week, a center left periodical that remains a mainstay of my weekly reading. Haidt admits that he found himself dragged kicking and screaming to a very important understanding of how morality is at the core of our current political divide. He comes to the painful conclusion that many Americans, not all of them conservatives, find the liberal moral platform lacking. His conclusion is based on a brilliant examination of the concept of morality, an examination that in a broad definition of morality liberals are found surprisingly wanting.

Haidt proposes that morality has five, or perhaps six pillars: (1) care, (2) fairness, (3) loyalty, (4) authority, and (5) sanctity, possibly adding (6) liberty. Simply put, liberals value care most and fairness next, while conservatives value authority, sanctity, and loyalty. Liberals give lip service to these last three values, but frankly not much, while conservatives give lip service to care and fairness, but not much. We liberals think we have the corner on the market of morality because of our care/fairness orientation. What could be more moral, we think, than taking care of the needy and giving everyone a fair chance at success and life satisfaction? What we have seen in the recent election should wake us up to see that we do not have such a corner, and more importantly, morality, and to some degree ethics, is much broader than care and fairness. This is, so I believe, how the Republicans have taken over so much of the country recently: they have cornered the market of morality, or perhaps more accurately, they have taken over at least three of these five corners leaving Democrats to cry in our wine about how immoral these Republicans are.

Let me look a bit closer at this concept of morality. Take, for instance, the concept of authority. We might think that Hillary spoke with authority, which she certainly did, but she did not speak as an authority, nor did she speak as someone who would use her authority as President. Donald Trump, for all his brashness and profound narcissism, spoke as an authority and spoke of using this authority as soon as he would gain office. Yes, there are significant dangers of being the authority and abusing authority, but we must admit that it is attractive to many Americans, not just conservatives, to have someone speak of setting things right with authority, however impossible it might be to do so. How silly it was for Trump, following Scott Walker and other Republican candidates to speak of doing something “the first day in office” but it was attractive to many people. These people felt a certain safety in the fact that finally someone would just do the right thing even if it offended many people.

Of course we, as liberals, might challenge what is right to do and whether a President even has the right to do the so-called right thing, but that doesn’t matter to people who daily hear of the danger of ISIS, the lack of healthcare for millions of Americans, and the exploding national debt. People just want the magic bullet that will cure these ills, and Trump provided it for them. We can complain that Trump was elected by “uneducated white males,” but this minority of Americans was not the only element in his victory. It is too easy for us to sit back and wine (sic) that people should have known better. We need to see what Republicans and other conservatives are saying about morality, particularly about the value of authority. My favorite President, Republican Theodore Roosevelt, “carried a big stick” in many ways, spoke and acted with authority but was more progressive in many ways before his time. His Democrat cousin FDR also spoke and acted with authority and not always within the rule of law. He just did the right thing with lend lease and other measures to subvert the liberal pacifism of the 1940’s. Kennedy acted with authority, often against a significant element in his own party fighting for racial equality on the one hand, and with the threat of war against Russia during the Cuban missile crisis. Liberals have forgotten the value of moral authority and focused on care and fairness.

The majority of Americans might give lip service to care and fairness, but the larger majority want the freedom to do what they think is right. The hallmarks of the Clinton campaign has been on these two laudable elements of morality. Unfortunately, most Americans care less about care than they do about the freedom to do what they want to do. I am fully behind a woman’s right to “care for her own body” (freedom to choose abortion) but most Americans don’t care much about this element of morality. Clinton also focused on the fairness element of morality speaking frequently and wisely about the great and increasing disparity between rich and poor in this country. So why would most under-waged Americans vote for Trump the billionaire? Because he said that everyone could be a billionaire if government would get out of the way and let them do what they want to do. Thus, the focus of the Clinton campaign was on this fairness element of morality while Trump trumped the other moral element: freedom. Which is more attractive to the person on the street, if we dare to admit it? We can complain that the freedom element can lead to narcissism so clearly displayed by Trump, but if it is a choice between what I have and someone else needs, we will always go with the first…and then hopefully the second.

Not only have Republicans garnered the corner on authority and freedom, they have added the sanctity element suggested by Jonathan Haidt. I find it truly remarkable that such a despicable person such as Donald Trump could secure the majority of evangelicals and many other peole with lesser strict religious convictions. The only vaguely religious element in his campaign was his exaggerated talk about “tearing babies out of the womb.” Otherwise, he was almost completely devoid of anything objectively religious. But we must consider that his statement about restricting Muslims coming to America, and perhaps even his threat of deporting 11 million Latinos seemingly spoke to a kind of sanctity, namely the sanctity of our allegedly Christian nation. As a recovering Christian fundamentalist, I recall the safety and sanctity of the absolutes that fundamentalism of any kind provides. Note the success, if we call it that, of ISIS based on similar absolutism. But aside from Trump, the Republicans have made great hay in espousing quazi-religious elements in their programs over the recent decades. I found it interesting that in her concession speech Clinton used a biblical reference, but never before in her campaign. Rather, she spoke of fairness and care, but little of the religious element. There is a strong element among liberals to belittle much that is religious, often for good reasons, but not with an understanding that sanctity is very important to Americans, including those who rarely darken the doors of church.

So I close with the suggestion that we liberals need to be more moral, or perhaps more broadly moral and understand the sanctity, authority, and freedom corners of morality finding value in these pillars. Authority is not authoritarian, freedom is not licentiousness, and sanctity is necessarily theistic.

I Don’t Want to Live

I have the opportunity of hearing things from people that they have never told anyone else. This is a tremendous privilege that we therapists have. Close family members, good friends, pastors, doctors, and bartenders often hear private things from people, but there is something almost sacred about the therapy office, especially after trust is established between therapist and patient, that allows for someone to say, “I never told anyone this…” and finish that statement with a story, a fear, a hope, or some kind of grief. I always listen such statements with admiration for the person who has found the courage to say out loud what he or she has thought privately for a long time.

Yesterday I heard an out loud statement from four of the six people I saw in my clinical day, and felt the same statement being said by the other two: I don’t want to live. Two of these individuals said unequivocally that they didn’t want to live, while the others needed a bit of help to admit to that feeling. Today I heard a 14-year old boy tells me that he wished he could just disappear, or that he hadn’t been born, a statement that is tantamount to “I don’t want to live.” Most of the time when I sense this “not wanting to live” feeling with someone, I need to help the individual (usually men) to admit to it. I get some resistance to admitting to this not wanting to live, understandably because it sounds so dreadful. I suggest that they feel one thing, think another, and have a third statement regarding what they might do. Thus, the three elements of human existence, thinking, feeling, and doing, show themselves in different statements:
 I don’t want to live.
 I don’t want to die, meaning I don’t want to go through the dying process.
 I certainly don’t want to kill myself.

I have found it profitable for people in some circumstances to find the courage to say these three things. People who are very depressed, those who have one or more debilitating physical illnesses, and people who are in some seemingly hopeless situation often feel this “I don’t want to live” feeling. Importantly, this statement represents a feeling, not a thought, and certainly not an act. When someone (usually a man) finds the trust, willingness, and courage to admit to this feeling, he finds a certain freedom. Indeed, for such people life has become intolerable in some way, perhaps physically, emotionally, or relationally. So I find myself in the odd place of helping say something that sounds suicidal. I have to remind the people who say such things that they have every reason to not want to live any longer. “Feelings are never wrong,” I say, but feelings are not thoughts and they are not actions. In fact, I think that I may very well have prevented some people’s suicidal thoughts or actions by helping them say that they didn’t want to live…even though they didn’t want to die and certainly didn’t want to suicide.

One of the reasons that people need a bit of help to admit to this feeling of not wanting to live is that it sounds suicidal. It isn’t. I think everyone has had such feelings at one time or another in their lives even though they might not have used these words. In most cases this not-wanting-to-live feeling comes out of some kind of long-term difficulty, whether emotional, relational, or physical. The other reason it is difficult to admit to this feeling is that no one can hear it. What family member is going to be able to affirm their loved one’s statement, “I don’t want to live”? Everyone would want to reassure the person that he or she should want to live for some reason. Family and friends would say something like, “You have your family to live for,” “You have a lot of reasons to live,” “It is a sin to kill yourself,” or “What would your children think if you killed yourself.” This theoretical interchange misses the point. We call the people who make such statements “friendly enemies,” meaning that they might very well dearly loved the desperate person, but they are not helping the person admit to the feeling that he or she has. Remember, “I don’t want to live” is a feeling, not a fact, not a thought, and not a desired action. The reasons friendly enemies have for their “you should want to live because…” are reasons. “I don’t want to live is not reasonable; it is emotional.

Yesterday was a painful day for me having heard, directly and indirectly, from so many people who didn’t want to live because life had become so intolerable. I had the opportunity to share this terrible feeling, this terribly private feeling, with these folks. And it is this sharing of such deeply personal things that makes my job both rewarding and painful. If I can help people say their feelings, however they come out, and give them a wide berth in their emotional expressions, they can then think clearly, and act reasonably. Unfortunately, at least in our Western society, it is difficult to make emotional statements because we live in such an emotionally undeveloped society. When people repress their emotions, they later blurt out in some kind of irrational thought or irrational action, and very often in some kind of irrational anger or explosion.

Kids are much better at this than adults are. They have the privilege, or should have the privilege, of just feeling, just expressing these feelings, and then usually getting over these feelings about as quickly as they came. I wonder how many kids might say, “I don’t want to live” when their parents refuse to buy them the ice cream cone they so dearly want. When my older daughter was five, we had shopped together for a few minutes and she wanted me to buy something for her. I didn’t, and she didn’t like it. On the way home in the car, she falteringly said, “I want a new daddy!” What a reasonable statement for a five-year old to say. It was the way she temporarily figured out the universe. And five minutes later when we were playing on the floor of the living room, she didn’t remember what she said. The beauty of the emotion that children express is that it is not expressed in thoughts or actions; emotion is expressed in actions or utterances, not all of which are words. We do well to teach our children. We could do well to learn from them as well.

Alive

“I will not let you die”.  This is what my inner voice said to me this morning, sweating like an ox in hot yoga.  I was holding the tree pose facing the mirrored wall noticing how curly my hair was in full body sweat when I heard the words.  It isn’t important for me to state why (or how) I was dying.  I knew and so immediately understood the significance of the declaration.  So real the personal battle I didn’t even try to divert my thoughts to alternate queries like “who of my clients need I be strong for today?”  I knew I was speaking with intention, directly to myself.  As I held the sweating pose I dared eye contact, trusting the instructor’s direction to breathe only my own pace, and found myself appreciative that I looked back and willed breath and life.

I stood beside myself this morning and am glad for it.

~DocBrock